Dishing out drugs and discipline at the Gimcrack isn’t the craziest job I’ve ever taken. Back last century I had a short lived career as a PA to the pampered pets of one very rich woman. Basia was so rich that she forked out cash for her palatial home, a mere $7 million back then, it would sell for twice that now. My charges were two miniature schnauzers named Mimi and Fifi.
They mostly dined on leftovers from the rich folk’s table. I fed those pampered pups lobster, sashimi and carpetbag steak….. when there were no leftovers I cooked them Osso Bucco simmered in chardonnay (but I drew the line at gremolta).
I chauffered them to doggie beauty parlour every week and walked them past Nicole Kidman’s house twice a day. Cushy job you say? Ah but there’s a catch. Basia also required a drinking partner for lunch. Do you know how hard it is to trim veal shanks when you’re half plastered on veuve cliquot?
I only lasted four months. Basia went skiing in Klosters and I had to live in her waterfront prison for 3 weeks so the dogs wouldn’t get lonely at night. They slept on either side of me with their heads on my pillow. I could live with the lobster breath but when you wake up with doggy drool pooling in your ear canal you know it’s time to pull the plug.
Basia, Mimi and Fifi have all departed for Rich Folks Heaven now. Gone but not forgotten. I still have the crystal studded step-in harness that Fifi refused to wear. If only one of the Gimcrack patients were schnauzer-sized……