screw the speculum

nursemyra is always on the lookout for instruments of torture medical instruments. whilst grateful to be living in an era of advanced technology, I have a deep appreciation for the fine craftsmanship of earlier tools such as those featured here

however this speculum does bear more than a passing resemblance to a corkscrew opener.

One of the most spectacular, if fearsome looking, Roman medical instruments is the vaginal dilator or speculum (dioptra). It comprises a priapiscus with 2 (or sometimes 3 or 4) dovetailing valves which are opened and closed by a handle with a screw mechanism. Soranus is the first author who makes mention of the speculum specially made for the vagina.

I’m tempted to speculate that the followers of Soranus may have mistakenly used it to dilate another orifice.

hero true colours

Huzhou Tulip Medical Equipment  has a product they would like me to stock at the Gimcrack. It contains cow penis, excessive sheep, caterpillar fungus and meaty cong jung. I’m not sure if the Australian Customs Department would allow me to import meaty cong, they can be pretty narrow minded about that sort of thing.

It’s a very tempting product as it promises to cure so many of the ailments our patients are prone to:

Premature ejaculation, Penis shoreness, Prostatitis, Long
marriage not educate, Male female could, Spermatorrhoea, Slip
canny, waist enough aching and limp, Loses eye forgetful, middle and old aged body weak impotence, Penis atropht, Sexual desire slows
down wit for manhoodmale

they are particularly prone to loses eye forgetful and old aged body weak impotence though I wasn’t so sure about spermatorrhoea so I decided to see what Dr. Cheena had to say:

Semen loss can exhaust each and every system. So, one must treat semen loss with care to avoid dangerous after-effects. Of course, the incidences of spermatorrhoea are increasing in youths in this fantasy world. The reason behind it may be a polluted mind, due to circumstances and media (books, TV, movies, Internet, etc.). This pollution has made many youths notice mucous discharges, even ejaculation, while watching erotic scenes, sometimes even while talking to glamorous girls.

nursemyra has always strived to bring glamour to the Gimcrack so I am horrified to learn that in so doing I may have been subjecting our patients to spermatorrhoea. so please, in the interests of better sexual health practices for geriatric psychiatry, if you know how I can get some Hero True Colours past our vigilant customs officers notify me immediately.

harnessing the chesticles

regular readers will know one of our patients is transgendered but so far she has not attempted to feminise her appearance by anything more than the wearing of a dress. she dislikes it intensely when other patients refer to her as a man so nursemyra is giving Duc L’Orange lessons in the art of being female.

yesterday we were tousling hair, manicuring fingernails and practising keeping our knees together when we sit. we also revamped the wardrobe a little and a decision was made to purchase suitable undergarments.

Duc has expressed a preference for a flesh toned brassiere despite nursemyra’s distaste for this unexciting shade. while trying to find something a little more exotic to fit this criteria I discovered the lace invisible bra.

I am particularly pleased that it is smellless, non toxic, innocuity, supper light and not subject to distortion as these are all qualities nursemyra looks for in a brassiere. but I’m a little disturbed by the claim that you will feel nothing bondage after wearing.

nursemyra believes a little light bondage is necessary for the mental health of her patients. sure we can use chemical restraint like all the other asylums but straitjackets are much more effective plus we like to save the S8 drugs for staff parties. and the whole point of the straitjacket is to remind the patient that (a) resistance is futile (b) nursemyra is always right and (c) it feels great when you take it off.

so where’s the fun in lacing a 6 foot 100 kilo shemale into a breastjacket that leaves the wearer feeling nothing? Hanzhiyang Apparel Accessories and their resident Hunk/Sales Manager  apparently didn’t consult the Gimcrack when they were doing their research.

I guess there’s not much of a market for breastjacketing transgendered hospital inmates.

public servant

nursemyra is concerned that today’s newlyweds are unaware of the dangers that may lie ahead.

so in the interest of public health she is offering free medical examinations to prospective grooms. prospective brides are advised to visit their own gynaecologist as nursemyra’s area of expertise is currently limited to the male reproductive system*

* nursemyra is also qualified in geriatric psychiatry but hopefully that would be irrelevant to this offer.

mining for soft jade

nursemyra seriously loves her job - it just gets crazier every day. yesterday morning nursemyra attended a case conference for two of our wackier patients. We started off with Mrs. E who has a strange inability to recognise her own reflection. since we covered all the mirrors in her room her behaviour has become relatively normal but we still had to listen to the registrar’s boring opinion and it was getting late when we moved on to Miss R. she suffers from rhinotillexomania, another condition I had been unaware of until reading about it in her case notes last january.

apart from walking around with her finger permanently lodged up her nose, she’s been a model patient. she’s quiet, well behaved, doesn’t eat much and prefers to dispose of her bodily wastes in a flush toilet as opposed to hoarding them in faux jewellery boxes or displaying them on the communal lounge room floor.

so it was a surprise to hear the sister on her ward suggest we do a medication review on Miss R.  apparently she’s not searching her cavities for crusted snot - she’s engaged in armed combat against hair planters. her current delusion is that someone is sneaking into her room when she’s asleep and inserting hair into her nasal passages.

nursemyra nearly choked on her chocolate when she heard this but the more boring members of our highly professional medical team looked ready to disseminate at length over this turn of events . “wait, there’s more” said the ward sister. “she thinks the nasal hair is being transplanted from her pubic region because the planters oversowed down there”

“oversowed?”

“yes, she doesn’t believe that pubic hair is normal and claims never to have had any before the planters started coming into her room at night”

there’s a moment of silence as we consider this. “has she been told that it’s normal for adults to have pubic hair?”

the ward sister affirms that she has. the registrar asks in all seriousness if Miss R has ever had the opportunity to see another adult’s pubic hair. and that’s when juniornurse pipes up with “yes, I showed her mine”

the registrar and the CNC’s heads whipped round so fast I swear I heard their necks crack. juniornurse is barely 19 with a bosom that is already the talk of the Gimcrack and now all 5 medical professionals in the room are staring at her imagining the scenario she’s just described. the registrar is blushing to the tips of his ears and the CNC begins clicking his pen obsessively and staring at the floor

someone has to break the silence so it may as well be me. “so shall I order a medication review?”

everyone agrees and the meeting is over. nursemyra, the ward sister and juniornurse head back to work. “so what did she say when you showed her your pubes?” I ask. juniornurse smirks knowingly. “oh I didn’t show her anything, I just said I did because the meeting was running over time and I didn’t want to miss my train.”

I think that girl will make a fine DON one day.

ultimate fun tool? I think not….

my chivalrous friend  bill blunt  was kind enough to warn me about pocket billiard players when he read my recent post about the game played by Mr Y and the chaplain.

whilst grateful for his concern, nursemyra is a medical professional with access to   weapons of mass destructions   instruments that will curb any unwanted advances.

luckily I have never needed to use this. sometimes the threat is enough….

Cock and Ball Crusher: This piece could not have been made heavier. Made from solid metal, this ball crusher is the ultimate fun tool for every man. As you turn the O shaped edge of the shaft, it moves to touch the end of the rectangle. Use it to hang on the balls or for whatever else, just make sure to add it to your collection of toys.

nursemyra’s instruments

another monday at the Gimcrack picking up the pieces after weekend shenanigans.

Mr. Y got a little excited while playing billiards with our chaplain on saturday afternoon. apparently he ate all the chalk and threw up on the good reverend’s shoes then tripped and fell against the side of the table, biting a chunk out of his tongue which required stitches. nursemyra wishes she’d been there for this episode as she keeps a pair of tongue forceps in her top drawer and has not yet had the opportunity to use them.

Mr Y gets a little feisty when he’s been chewing chalk though I don’t know if the two things are related. we may have to keep the billiard equipment locked away when not in use, or maybe I could order some of these fetching restraints to keep Mr. Y away from the chaplain’s footwear. 

nursemyra’s fishnets

last night my friend and I were watching sbs. I love this channel on a Friday night because it shows documentaries about sex and last night’s “A Perfect Fake” was riveting stuff.

for those of you who can’t be bothered reading the link, it depicts the creation of very realistic lifesize dolls and the customers who buy them for companionship and sex. some owners arrange their ‘girlfriends’ deshabille and in seductive poses so when they return from a hard day at the office, an upturned near naked bottom is ready and willing to ease the stress.

it appears for now you can only get them in japan though if they become available here I’m sure Gene would be first in line. meanwhile I found melancholy kitties for your amusement. while not lifesize, they are similar to the dolls in A Perfect Fake though they are more kitten-like with less emphasis on the pussy. I don’t want to get an R rating…..

I was trying to find one who best represented nursemyra and unfortunately there is no medical professional on this site. however, nursemyra does possess a large collection of exotic lingerie and stockings so Talullah is my chosen avatar.

Tallulah is a friendly girl. Sometimes a bit too friendly. She’s also very comfortable with herself and her tiny body. It’s difficult to get much conversation from her because she usually begins to undress if she senses she’s being watched for more than a minute or two. She brushes her hair a lot and has a massive collection of stockings. As a matter of fact, when she arrived on our doorstep, she had with her a tiny suitcase full of stockings and nothing else. That might very well be all you need to know about Tallulah.

cleanliness is next to godliness

thaumaturge thursday

nothing wildly exciting happened at the Gimcrack today though there were a few minor incidents. Harry M. was found running an electric shaver over his face in the front lounge just prior to morning tea. normally most patients, including Harry M.,  shave in the privacy of their own bathroom so this was slightly unusual.

so was the fact that Harry was sans underpants or any type of pants for that matter. he was wearing wrap around sunglasses, a white shirt, black socks and black lace up shoes. when asked about this, he said he was tired of waiting for the male nurse to shower him so he came downstairs to hurry things up.  19 year old juniornurse was immediately dispatched to shower duty. so Harry got the chance to splash water on her pert little bosoms in exchange for displaying his shortcomings. he probably thought it was a good deal.

then CK reported that someone had swapped her feather pillow for a foam one and someone else or possibly that same pillow-swapping someone had tarnished her antique cutlery with something sticky. I’m so over dealing with her persecution fantasies but as we have work experience slaves on the premises I send one of them up to CKs room with the Silvo and another pillow. the pillow is leaking feathers out of one seam and is an OH&S hazard for mouth breathers like CK but if she chokes on a feather in her sleep tonight I’ll be far from the scene of the crime and technically blameless.

just as we’re packing up for the day Gene P. calls the diversional therapist to one side. he whispers something and I see her look of consternation. “what’s he want?” asks the DON. the DT barely hesitates “porn” she says. we like to supply our patients with a wide range of diversions. most of them are happy with the current program which includes bingo, knitting, trivia, crosswords, cards, discussion groups, bus trips and that old favourite happy hour.

nursemyra has shown a porn video to the inmates before but that was inadvertently. we three medical professionals take a moment to ponder the implications of supplying porn to patients. “Is he gay or straight?” asks the DON looking at me. I know why she’s looking. we both have sons old enough to have an interest in the naked body. if Gene’s a bugger maybe I could ask my son to donate some of the literature he keeps in his bedside drawer but if Gene’s into the fairer sex then it’s the DON’s opportunity to spring clean under her son’s mattress to enhance the quality of life at the Gimcrack.

we decide he’s probably straight so it’ll be the DON’s job to expand our diversional therapy program with the inclusion of appropriate reading matter. hopefully with a little sleight of hand Gene will be able to rise to the occasion.

and so ends another shift at the Gimcrack. miraculously there were no errant piles of faeces or vomit stepped in and we managed not to lose any patients. our daily prayer to the patron of asylums, Saint Thaumaturge, must have been heeded. amen.