quizas quizas quizas

nursemyra was still on holidays today so my friend and I took ourselves off to the movies. we saw “The Singer” which was watchable because Cecile de France is so beautiful but I’m not really a Depardieu fan and his role as an ageing crooner made me cringe.

which is much the same reaction I have whenever Spud Maloney* comes to the Gimcrack to entertain the residents. Spud has been doing these gigs for a very long time and it’s all wearing a bit thin for nursemyra. he performs the same cheesey songs with the same cheesey beatbox backing accompanied by the same cheesey line of patter.

the only thing that changes is the suit. when Spud is booked in for a concert we each throw $5.00 in a hat and place bets on what shade it’ll be. he’s got 6 of these suits, identical in every way except colour. there’s deep purple, powder blue, mustard yellow, rose pink, aqua and kermit green. it’s hard to say which is the ghastliest but he does resemble a warty toad in the green ensemble.

most of the inmates love him, particularly the women. they simper and blush at corny jokes, join in choruses and stifle tears at his segue from Galway Bay to Danny Boy. but nursemyra is not the only one who is less than enamoured with our little leprechaun.

Spud was at the gimcrack last month for the St Patrick’s Day celebration which always draws a big crowd down to the front lounge. we supply guinness, lime cordial, green soda bread and bowls of green frogs and spearmint leaves. the night staff have to deal with the ensuing mess so we also stock up on imodium and put extra spill kits on every floor.

Spud was channelling Doris Day when a fracas broke out in the front row. Dr. Do-Able had endured enough and was making his way to the nearest toilet much to the chagrin of the ladies in the audience. progress was slow as he tried to skirt around a phalanx of walkers and he was obstructing their view. Mrs. C called him an old fart and demanded he sit down, then more voices joined in and Spud had the bright idea of making room by stepping backwards.

unfortunately he and his mic lead became tangled and he tipped into a chair. the exasperated Mrs. C  gave Dr. Do-Able a push which landed him on top of Spud. no one was hurt but before staff could help the two men to their feet, the doc’s bladder gave way and he doused the kermit suit in a stream of piss.

ever the trouper, Spud carried on and managed to finish the song, bravely ignoring the litre of urine that was soaking his leg. most of the audience hadn’t even noticed the incident and after the concert finished were affronted by the unseemly haste of his departure.

“did you enjoy the concert?” I asked as they were leaving. “it was a disgrace” said Lady R. ”that singer’s got a nerve coming here in such a state. he was so drunk he’d piddled his pants”

poor old Spud. might be a while before he lives that one down but then again most of the patients here have a short memory span so he probably doesn’t have to worry too much. wonder what colour suit will win the hat prize next month? I’m thinking the green one might be out of the picture as Spud’s a little on the superstitious side. I’m keen to win  the betting kitty coz it usually holds about $50.00 and that buys a lot of scrumpy. Maybe it’s time for the aqua?

In the words of Doris Day via Spud Maloney…. “perhaps perhaps perhaps”

*his real name is turnip head but I’ve changed it protect his innocent children from ridicule