thaumaturge thursday

nothing wildly exciting happened at the Gimcrack today though there were a few minor incidents. Harry M. was found running an electric shaver over his face in the front lounge just prior to morning tea. normally most patients, including Harry M.,  shave in the privacy of their own bathroom so this was slightly unusual.

so was the fact that Harry was sans underpants or any type of pants for that matter. he was wearing wrap around sunglasses, a white shirt, black socks and black lace up shoes. when asked about this, he said he was tired of waiting for the male nurse to shower him so he came downstairs to hurry things up.  19 year old juniornurse was immediately dispatched to shower duty. so Harry got the chance to splash water on her pert little bosoms in exchange for displaying his shortcomings. he probably thought it was a good deal.

then CK reported that someone had swapped her feather pillow for a foam one and someone else or possibly that same pillow-swapping someone had tarnished her antique cutlery with something sticky. I’m so over dealing with her persecution fantasies but as we have work experience slaves on the premises I send one of them up to CKs room with the Silvo and another pillow. the pillow is leaking feathers out of one seam and is an OH&S hazard for mouth breathers like CK but if she chokes on a feather in her sleep tonight I’ll be far from the scene of the crime and technically blameless.

just as we’re packing up for the day Gene P. calls the diversional therapist to one side. he whispers something and I see her look of consternation. “what’s he want?” asks the DON. the DT barely hesitates “porn” she says. we like to supply our patients with a wide range of diversions. most of them are happy with the current program which includes bingo, knitting, trivia, crosswords, cards, discussion groups, bus trips and that old favourite happy hour.

nursemyra has shown a porn video to the inmates before but that was inadvertently. we three medical professionals take a moment to ponder the implications of supplying porn to patients. “Is he gay or straight?” asks the DON looking at me. I know why she’s looking. we both have sons old enough to have an interest in the naked body. if Gene’s a bugger maybe I could ask my son to donate some of the literature he keeps in his bedside drawer but if Gene’s into the fairer sex then it’s the DON’s opportunity to spring clean under her son’s mattress to enhance the quality of life at the Gimcrack.

we decide he’s probably straight so it’ll be the DON’s job to expand our diversional therapy program with the inclusion of appropriate reading matter. hopefully with a little sleight of hand Gene will be able to rise to the occasion.

and so ends another shift at the Gimcrack. miraculously there were no errant piles of faeces or vomit stepped in and we managed not to lose any patients. our daily prayer to the patron of asylums, Saint Thaumaturge, must have been heeded. amen.