netsuke not nurses

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Published in: on May 30, 2007 at 7:47 am  Comments (16)  

peachy

like all good hospitals the gimcrack has a mission statement. I can’t remember what it is but I know it mentions a commitment to continuous improvement. to this end, nursemyra spends a significant amount of working hours researching ways to shorten improve the quality of patients’ lives.

we recommend the wearing of hip protectors for those who are prone to falling but the rate of compliance is not high. maybe if we sexed them up a bit they’d be an easier sell.

this Manufactory has a product which, with a little tweaking, could well fit that criteria.

Y-1702 silicone buttocks are made of high-quality silicone. It has nice feel and can enlarge and prop the hip up to shape the curve of a female sexy hip. It can enlarge 2 to 3 centimeters of the seat circumference and make the used-to-be-flat hip round and beautiful. And no matter whether you sit, stand or walk, it can fully incarnate the natural and round fashion figure. By cutting out in different directions to lead the right flowing direction of the fat according to the pressure on the fat growing directions, it achieves the aim of rectification and recovery.  

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nursemyra is already fully incarnate as evidenced by this reasonably close facsimile of her “hip”. but we have several patients requiring rectification so I’ll order a gross and let you know if this product lives up to its claims…..

Published in: on May 28, 2007 at 8:33 am  Comments (16)  

the organic way of planting out our wetlands

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Published in: on May 24, 2007 at 9:00 am  Comments (18)  

how to win an argument

Plooptionary has asked nursemyra to disclose her strategies for winning arguments. of course, as a medical professional I am always right therefore have no need to argue.

however, occasions do arise at the Gimcrack where nursemyra likes to provoke a passionate response so I do have a tip or two for persuading others to agree with your demands.

1.  argueing attire should hint at the delights awaiting those who bend to your wishes. a uniform that fastens up the front is ideal as a proven mathematical equation states that if you leave 4 out of 12 buttons undone your chances of success increase by 88%

2.  always wear a corset and fishnet stockings when issuing your orders presenting your case. obviously, we women are always in the right but our position is strengthened by appropriate attire

3. display the relevant instruments. nursemyra has a cache of these in her top drawer. sometimes it is necessary to leave the ball crusher, the speculum or the tongue forceps exposed on top of the desk but an experienced persuader never needs to actually utilise these tools

4. stockpile appropriate medication. ensure all drugs are adequately labelled. always remember the uppers red ones are for the winner  medical professional and the downers blue ones are for the vanquished patient.

5. the use of alcohol is permitted when emphasising a point. a good strategy is to let your patient think acquiesence will result in increased access to alcohol. when measured doses are mixed with the appropriate medication (see 3. above) your arguments will appear much stronger and more cohesive.

of course this procedure is mainly relevant to medical professionals but the female layperson is advised to introduce steps 1 and 2 whenever an argument needs bolstering.

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Published in: on May 22, 2007 at 8:16 am  Comments (12)  

food meme

nursemyra has been tagged by Lizza via Daddy Papersurfer as someone who knows about eating. indeed I do though the food served by the Gimcrack’s cafeteria staff is of an institutional variety and not intended for human consumption. it’s ok for patients though.

most of you know I have a liking for bananas and could happily subsist on such firm fruit and chocolate for long periods at a time. but for those days when you crave a little something extra these are places worth a visit…..

the nurse’s station: this is where they serve plump juicy melon hors d’oeuvres. these taste particularly scrumptious sandwiched around some spicy sausage 

the clinic: the raspberry nipple creams we keep in the clinic are very popular with the night staff

nursemyra’s office: the top item on this menu is peach cheeks with a squirt of King Island cream

the staff room: so much to choose from depending on when you visit. there’s usually quite a lot of tasty beefcake available on the morning shift. or some pretty tender meatballs if you come in the afternoon

the operating theatre: this is where deboning takes place. only the best bones are selected and must be marinated for several hours to achieve the best results. It is particularly important to massage the marinade in with a firm hand. after removing the meat from the oven, it needs to be rested. do not be alarmed at the resulting softness, rested meat retains its flavour and responds well to reheating.

of course if you’re not into hospital food you could always visit Strangers with Candy or Rise. nursemyra hangs out at both these joints.

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Published in: on May 21, 2007 at 7:42 am  Comments (20)  

an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of prophylactics

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Published in: on May 20, 2007 at 7:33 am  Comments (14)  

lickin’ stick

nursemyra loves testes tests. I like licking ticking things off and compiling lists too. my passion for research knows no bounds.

erectile dysfunction is a distressing malady that affects many men as they age. Penfold, you may consider yourself exempt, but in case DaddyP hasn’t forewarned you this is an all too common occurence after 60.

medical professionals like myself have devised a test to determine whether the problem is physical or psychological

“How is the test performed?
The test is done on three consecutive nights. One cent stamps are bought in a roll*. At bed time a string of several of these are wrapped around the mid shaft of the penis. They are moistened and allowed to form a continuous ring around this portion of the penis. In the morning, the man checks to see if the strip of stamps is broken. If so, this indicates that the shaft of the penis swelled and hardened over night. If the stamps remain unbroken, no nocturnal erection occurred.
What is involved in preparation for the test?
The man should request specific instructions on how to prepare for this test from his healthcare provider.”

as your health care provider, nursemyra advises you to (a) travel everywhere with a roll of stamps. rather than licking the stamps (which can cause an unpleasant taste in the mouth), I suggest (b) your chosen facilitator moistens the shaft directly. do not be in too much of a hurry to (c) apply the roll as a pleasing result may be obtained by following steps (a) and (b) rendering (c) unneccessary.

* nursemyra suggests buying the most expensive roll of stamps you can afford. some facilitators are reluctant to assist in tests such as these if they suspect the patient is not sufficiently motivated.

the following stamp has been successfully utilised in past trials and is available from the gimcrack’s Q store

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Published in: on May 17, 2007 at 9:32 am  Comments (15)  

the bowel chart

there’s a lot of paperwork at the gimcrack. we chart everything: medications, weights, skin integrity, fluid intake, disobedience…. and of course the workings of the bowel.

the progress of food through the digestive system has often slowed down considerably in some of our older patients. which is why we force feed offer them prunes every morning because if they go too many days with Bowels Not Opened written on their chart, sooner or later we have to resort to the enema.

nursemyra prefers to spend her day working on her phallomancy research project and usually delegates enema duty to traineenurse. it took her a while but I think she’s got it down pat now.

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Published in: on May 16, 2007 at 11:33 am  Comments (18)  

meet Dr. Felix, Phil Spector’s long lost cousin

we have a patient at the Gimcrack who has only one testicle. quite possibly he has a second one hiding somewhere but he’s remarkably sanguine about his singledom and often mentions it in passing as in “hello, my name is Rolf*, I only have one testicle”.

most people wouldn’t take this any further but nursemyra was a little bored today and thought she’d press Rolf for details. surprisingly there were none. he didn’t know why and he didn’t particularly care, he just liked to watch the reaction when he made his disclosure.

researching male anatomy is nursemyra’s passion so I’ve googled a few appropriate words and discovered…… the voluntary eunuch. It’s quite a long article and you may not have the stomach nor the time to read it all so here’s an excerpt that tells you all you need to know.

Tom paid $10,000 to have his testicles removed  because: “They spoiled the line of his swimsuit.”

Dr. Spector charges $1,600 for a two-hour testicle-removal surgery. For an additional $1,200, Spector will slice away the eunuch’s scrotum.Dr. Spector is willing to perform controversial elective surgeries, but there are some lines even he isn’t willing to cross—namely, penectomies (removal of the penis). “I’m a little conservative in my attitude,” Spector admits.

well, we’re a little conservative here at the gimcrack too Phil Felix. we’re not going to mess with Rolf’s half empty scrotum, even if it does spoil the line of his swimsuit a little.

we could always pad it out with one of our inflatables….

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* name changed on a whim only

Published in: on May 15, 2007 at 8:27 am  Comments (20)  

no objectionable features

my ongoing research into modern medical instruments has led me once again to those fun loving freemasons. strictly speaking this is not a medical appliance, nonetheless I would like to purchase one for the gimcrack as it comes with alcohol and costumes, two items I can never have enough of.

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Published in: on May 14, 2007 at 10:57 am  Comments (8)  
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