the ingenious hair catching feature

the Gimcrack is home to some serious phobias. we have the patient who thinks aliens are transplanting her pubic hair up her nostrils and the patient who thinks her reflection is stealing her clothes but the crowning glory in this trifecta is Lady L who saves every hair that falls from her head, every nail clipping, every blob of ear wax and assorted other bodily waste products that I hesitate to mention for fear of alienating my female readers (that’s you Lizza).

it’s a constant battle to retrieve these unsavoury items as Lady L is alert to the intentions of triple gloved nursing staff hovering in her vicinity. the podiatrist is allowed to do her job as she collects all the trimmings in a bag and hands them straight over but the hairdresser has been barred from Lady L’s locks as he won’t cooperate.

but once again, a perusal of my trusty catalogues may provide us with the solution to the problem of the coiffure.  

netsuke not nurses

we don’t give a rat’s arse about the bowel charts

my previous post on bowel charts was well received. it seems my readers are avid for information about what to expect should they grow old and infirm and end up in an asylum aged care / psychiatric facility like the gimcrack. presumably the picture of traineenurse practising her enema skills had nothing to do with the record number of visits this blog received that day.

medical professionals can become obsessed with the workings of the bowel and are known to divine all sorts of things by sifting through bodily wastes and practising the dark arts of scatomancy. of course as with any obsession, some people can take this too far which was the case today when I discovered the kitchen manager keeping a bowel chart on the rats that have been helping themselves to our daily bread delivery.

since this problem started a week or so ago, we have had the pest control people in to lay bait as visitors of this ilk will not be tolerated. whatever nasty concoction it is they laid, it has the effect of turning their droppings red after ingestion. once there is enough in their system they will fall into a deep painless sleep and not wake up again. at least this is what the brochure assured me.

while the droppings have gone through several colour changes from blush, pink, salmon, berry, fuschia, pillarbox and purple the bread is still being nibbled. keeping a bowel chart on our bread biting friends is not proactive enough for nursemyra. today I engaged a different pest controller who laid out some tasty glue traps.  the theory behind this method is the rat’s feet adhere to the glue the instant they step on it. next day the controller comes back, collects the lot and releases his catch into a beautiful green field in the country.

at least that’s what the brochure says…..

peachy

like all good hospitals the gimcrack has a mission statement. I can’t remember what it is but I know it mentions a commitment to continuous improvement. to this end, nursemyra spends a significant amount of working hours researching ways to shorten improve the quality of patients’ lives.

we recommend the wearing of hip protectors for those who are prone to falling but the rate of compliance is not high. maybe if we sexed them up a bit they’d be an easier sell.

this Manufactory has a product which, with a little tweaking, could well fit that criteria.

Y-1702 silicone buttocks are made of high-quality silicone. It has nice feel and can enlarge and prop the hip up to shape the curve of a female sexy hip. It can enlarge 2 to 3 centimeters of the seat circumference and make the used-to-be-flat hip round and beautiful. And no matter whether you sit, stand or walk, it can fully incarnate the natural and round fashion figure. By cutting out in different directions to lead the right flowing direction of the fat according to the pressure on the fat growing directions, it achieves the aim of rectification and recovery.  

nursemyra is already fully incarnate as evidenced by this reasonably close facsimile of her “hip”. but we have several patients requiring rectification so I’ll order a gross and let you know if this product lives up to its claims…..

black widow r.i.p.

female patients outnumber males by about 5 to 1 at the gimcrack. so when a new man arrives on the scene there’s a lot of jostling for his attention. things can get very ugly.

babyjane was one of the worst. she’d been married three times, had countless affairs and was very reliant on male admiration. for those of you who can’t be bothered clicking the link: she went to bed at night with her hair bound in rags to form ringlets and painted false spidery lashes beneath her eyes in the morning. her preferred mode of dress was tight capri pants and a top cut low to display plenty of cleavage.

traineenurse rang me yesterday to say babyjane had passed away. of course at 80 something she was no spring chicken and leading a louche life had taken its toll. there had long been rumours that she’d helped her last husband depart this mortal coil. the russian prince who’d abandoned her after the funeral had hinted as much the one and only time he visited.

nursemyra would never allow unsubstantiated rumour or gossip to influence the standard of care provided at the Gimcrack.  and I am careful to disguise the names and descriptions of patients if I blog about them. hopefully, none of my readers are able to sift through the red herrings and pinpoint who I’m talking about but babyjane’s surname really was Lloyd…..

 

gene genie

the news from the hospital up the road isn’t good. Gene not only has a broken neck of femur, he also has two cracked ribs and suspected pneumonia. hopefully he won’t contract this as well. anyway, it looks like he’s going to be out of action for quite some time but whether or not it teaches him to keep his pants on is another story

he may require a little more help when he returns to us so yesterday I flicked through my catalogues looking for the latest developments in support underwear and I think I’ve found just the thing…..

is it my imagination or does that model on the right look like Prince Phillip?

happy hour rolls around

well it’s the last Friday of the month and regular readers know what that means – Happy Hour.

as HHs go, it was amazingly quiet. perhaps because that little minx BabyJane is having another sojourn at the bigger hospital up the road. Dr. Do-Able and The Actor apparently bonded over their beers, sometimes a failing memory can be a wonderful thing.

There were the usual cranky remarks, spilt drinks and mishaps with continence but nothing we nursing professionals hadn’t seen before.

in fact it was so orderly I appointed traineenurse as the Friday Lift Monitor and I took an early mark. I think I’ll wear my “don’t mess with me” stockings to happy hour every month

the organic way of planting out our wetlands

 

more proof that sex is dangerous

Renal Failure agrees with me that sex is a dangerous activity but neither he nor I anticipated the catastrophic events that befell two of our patients last night.

regular readers will know by now that geriatric sex at the gimcrack is commonplace. and of course injuries sometimes result when osteoporotic bones collide. night staff had to call two ambulances at 11:55 pm when Gene and the previously-unblogged-about Mrs. Bee took a tumble from the couch in a third patient’s room.

they were discovered after a fourth patient heard moaning and noticed a tangle of legs and walking frames in a spot where they shouldn’t have been. miraculously, the patient in whose room intercourse was taking place continued to sleep through all of the ensuing drama.

Mrs. Bee sustained a broken pelvis and Gene has a fractured neck of femur. most unfortunately, neither of the lovers were wearing continence pads at the time of this incident.

they’ll be spending some quality time in that real hospital up the road and then a few weeks in rehab but should be able to return to the gimcrack once the breakages have mended. nursemyra will need to reiterate her tips on how to sustain an erection without removing the all important hip protectors but no doubt a libido like Gene’s will recuperate.

though he may have to forego this position from now on

how to win an argument

Plooptionary has asked nursemyra to disclose her strategies for winning arguments. of course, as a medical professional I am always right therefore have no need to argue.

however, occasions do arise at the Gimcrack where nursemyra likes to provoke a passionate response so I do have a tip or two for persuading others to agree with your demands.

1.  argueing attire should hint at the delights awaiting those who bend to your wishes. a uniform that fastens up the front is ideal as a proven mathematical equation states that if you leave 4 out of 12 buttons undone your chances of success increase by 88%

2.  always wear a corset and fishnet stockings when issuing your orders presenting your case. obviously, we women are always in the right but our position is strengthened by appropriate attire

3. display the relevant instruments. nursemyra has a cache of these in her top drawer. sometimes it is necessary to leave the ball crusher, the speculum or the tongue forceps exposed on top of the desk but an experienced persuader never needs to actually utilise these tools

4. stockpile appropriate medication. ensure all drugs are adequately labelled. always remember the uppers red ones are for the winner  medical professional and the downers blue ones are for the vanquished patient.

5. the use of alcohol is permitted when emphasising a point. a good strategy is to let your patient think acquiesence will result in increased access to alcohol. when measured doses are mixed with the appropriate medication (see 3. above) your arguments will appear much stronger and more cohesive.

of course this procedure is mainly relevant to medical professionals but the female layperson is advised to introduce steps 1 and 2 whenever an argument needs bolstering.