the Gimcrack is home to some serious phobias. we have the patient who thinks aliens are transplanting her pubic hair up her nostrils and the patient who thinks her reflection is stealing her clothes but the crowning glory in this trifecta is Lady L who saves every hair that falls from her head, every nail clipping, every blob of ear wax and assorted other bodily waste products that I hesitate to mention for fear of alienating my female readers (that’s you Lizza).
it’s a constant battle to retrieve these unsavoury items as Lady L is alert to the intentions of triple gloved nursing staff hovering in her vicinity. the podiatrist is allowed to do her job as she collects all the trimmings in a bag and hands them straight over but the hairdresser has been barred from Lady L’s locks as he won’t cooperate.
but once again, a perusal of my trusty catalogues may provide us with the solution to the problem of the coiffure. 
…then i don’t think it would be a good idea to tell here that most household dust is actually dead skin which has flaked off in miniscule chunks and floated gently to the ground…
I disagree with Letters– I think you should tell her about the dust and dismiss your janitorial staff. Hospitals are always looking to save a buck.
As far as the hair goes, if she saves enough, it can be considered a philanthropic intent if she is then convinced to donate it to Love Locks.
Or, perhaps the nails might serve as the contents of maracas.
Why does your staff think it’s necessary to dispose of these things. Feed her OCD, make it a positive experience!
Letters: can “chunks” really be “miniscule”? (sorry I’ve been over visiting the Tetherd Cow and have a bad attack of “quotes”)
Doctor Mom: well I don’t think we’ll get her to part with any of her “bits” though the maracas are a good idea….. hey your last sentence is really catchy… have you considered a career in medical advertising?
OMG, I was brought up with those hair clippers. My mother reckoned they were so much better than just a pair of scissors and a mixing bowl. And I agreed, even in those Brylcreme days. Although I cannot evision (Tetherd Cow long-wordism) her using them on her pubic area!
you shouldn’t be envisioning anything to do with your mother’s pubic area Archie!
“…it’s a constant battle to retrieve these unsavoury item…”
Unsavory?
Nurse Myra, I have a life-size model of Australian P.M. John Howard, lovingly and entirely created from my own detritus (the pubes came in very handy for his wiggly eyebrows), to which I offer prostrations every morning.
If you can’t think of anything creative to do with the poor Lady’s waste, for God’s sake, put them on eBay- collectors will pay a pretty penny for an old chook’s feathers.
ADG
Life size? wow that’s some detritus you’re able to produce
I really want a copy of that free booklet, “Keeping the Smart Bob Smart.” I might even change my name to Bob. Doing so would come with at least two added benefits: (1) all the people who misremember my (real) name as Bob will be less embarrassed, and (2) when my siblings tell their children “and Bob’s your uncle,” they’ll be talking about me.
Oh no, I also remember these clippers. When at the barbers, if I moved, the man used to clip me round the ears, really quite hard – never did me any harm though – prepared me for life with the terrible Goddess.
Not all that icky, nursie. I’m the proud mom of a soon-to-be seven-year-old. I’ve been shit/puked/pee’d/spat/pinched/punched/bit/bled on. Very little grosses me out these days…
Your consideration is much appreciated. Though I do wonder which looks and works better when it comes to hair-trimming down under: wax or Browne & Sharpe clippers?
I remember when I applied to be a Brown & Sharpe barbershop investigator. I didn’t get the job because of my unkempt neckline hair. And because I was visibly aroused during the interview. Once again, I was the victim of an interviewer having a hot picture of his wife on his desk.
Hey! I think Archie Archive is having a dig at my sesquipedalia.
He risks bovine wrath.
I am terrified of the working classes. And work in general, now I think about it.
Nope, don’t need a job in medical advertising
Just speaking from the heart…
(sort of)
RaJ: ok Bob, I gotcha
DaddyP: are you still afraid to walk in front of her?
nmm: I know what you mean but the bodily fluids of seven year olds somehow seem less icky. especially if they’re your seven year old
Lizza: laser. definitely laser.
Renal Failure: I think you and Lord Likely have a lot in common
Anaglyph: Archie should be very scared. bovine wrath is not something I care to contemplate
Lord Likely: I think you and Renal Failure have a lot in common
Doctor Mom: as I thought….
Lord Likely: I think nursemyra thinks you and I have a lot in common.
you think right