the treat cabinet

nursemyra received a new catalogue in the post today. it was unusual in that it came from Shanghai, most of the catalogues we receive by mail originate in australia.

I glanced through it  and discovered on page 16 a picture of a 2 drawer metal contraption on wheels that looked remarkably like a dressings trolley. confusingly, it was called a Treat Cabinet. the trolley we nurses wheel around the gimcrack contains needles, preinjection swabs, kidney dishes, sterile dressings, gloves, antiseptic solution etc but nothing that remotely fits in to the category of ‘treats’.

the shanghai congyun trade development company would appear to be a compassionate bunch of people. they wish to be

Taking care of your elder gentles and ladies by the products as following

perhaps in shanghai the elder gentles and ladies might consider dressings to be a treat but our patients are rather more demanding and expect items that fall into this category to be either intoxicating, fattening or stimulating which is why our treat trolley (if we had one) would look more like this

 

whip it, whip it good

the gimcrack takes a liberal stance when it comes to addictions. as most of our patients are nearer to the end of their life than the beginning we see no point in making them hang out for their fix. to this end, a non smoker like nursemyra can be persuaded to make a trip up the road to the tobacconist so Fred and Bernie can suck on a cigarette while catching a few rays of vitamin d on the smoker’s verandah. for the ethanol addicted, the local bottle shop delivers alcohol and we host a Happy Hour once  a month. hell, for sex addicts we even provide free hand jobs though not all staff were aware of this.

so despite irrefutable evidence from our Russian colleagues, we probably won’t be initiating whipping therapy as a treatment for addictions.

Russian scientists recommend the following course of the whipping therapy: 30 sessions of 60 whips on the buttocks in every procedure. A group of drug addicts volunteered to test the new method of treatment: the results can be described as good and excellent.

Doctor of Biological Sciences, Sergei Speransky, is a very well known figure in Novosibirsk. The doctor became one of the authors of the shocking whipping therapy. The professor used the self-flagellation method to cure his own depression; he also recovered from two heart attacks with the help of physical tortures too.

”The whipping therapy becomes much more efficient when a patients receives the punishment from a person of the opposite sex. The effect is astounding: the patient starts seeing only bright colors in the surrounding world, the heartache disappears, although it will take a certain time for the buttocks to heal, of course,” Sergei Speransky told the Izvestia newspaper.

It’s interesting to note that Sergei recommends whipping as an antidote to depression. this is a common ailment afflicting dementing geriatrics and nursemyra is partial to wielding a whip though preferably not at ageing wrinkled buttocks. for the health of my patients I will have to try and overcome this aversion but it may take some time.

for the moment I’ll just practise on volunteers between the ages of 30 and 45

pet therapy

we offer lots of therapeutic activities at the gimcrack. we have weekly sessions of art therapy, music therapy, aromatherapy and once a month we have a visiting dog and its owner for the all important pet therapy

our usual visitor is a great dane who goes by the name of Bartholomew. he’s calm and stately and perfectly suited for visiting dementing geriatrics. only once was he unable to make it and a substitute spaniel was sent instead.

all the pet therapy dogs are trained to interact with patients and are used to being dribbled on and fondled excessively. but Spalding was unprepared for the vice like grip of Mrs. F. she was a ‘respite’ patient which means she was only with us temporarily until a more suitable prison establishment could be found.

once she had him in her lap she was most reluctant to give him up again and no amount of gentle persuading would make her let him go. with his haunches firmly enclosed between her thighs and her arms around his neck she squeezed his face into her breasts holding it there with her chins.

nursemyra was not a witness to this event but traineenurse was and she reported the fracas with relish. it required several staff to prise poor Spalding free and the resulting incident forms and various scratches and bites that needed attending to so infuriated the charge nurse that pet therapy was cancelled for two months while the DON reviewed safety procedures. nothing like extra paperwork to get a nurse’s back up.

Mrs F is no longer with us. when Spalding was extracted from her embrace he was missing a small patch of fur which was later found stuffed down her panties. the following day she attacked a male staff member ( not a male staff’s member) and tried the hair pulling routine on him so we sped up the transfer and she’s safely housed on the other side of town now.

we don’t know why she was so fascinated with collecting hair but she did write an awful lot of letters…………..

how to inject the unwary

now pay careful attention to nursemyra. she wants you to look deeply into the placido. wait until you feel pleasantly confused then move on to the next picture.

try the placido again while I get my tools ready

ok now look at this diagram of two nurses practising bandaging techniques

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there now. that didn’t hurt a bit did it?

*** many thanks to my friend Beach Bum who surfed over with this previously undiscovered picture of nursemyra and her bandage coach

casual spring friday

after enduring a few weeks of nasty winter weather nursemyra is anticipating the arrival of Spring

the importance of fibre

as the body ages, a lot of things slow down or don’t work so well. the gimcrack’s recent gastro outbreak loosened quite a few ageing backed up bowels in a most unpleasant manner but that’s all behind us now.

unfortunately, some patients have once again found themselves in a clogged up state despite our nagging to drink more fluids and eat more prunes and above all to stop straining as it aggravates those nasty haemorroids. I’ve even threatened them with using this:

of course, it will only help the milder cases. when there is no alternative left nursemyra books them in with Dr. Faustus who uses an ancient and effective instrument with 100% success. but please, take nursemyra’s advice, eating fibre is a lot less painful

oligophagous ollie

a few of our patients have weight problems. with those who are underweight we can supplement their food with protein shakes but the overweight are more difficult to treat as they’re usually sneaking food between meals.

one such secret gorger is ollie, who eats double helpings of meat at every meal which could mean bacon for breakfast, maybe steak and chips for lunch and a slab of shepherds pie for dinner. his fridge looks like a mini charcuterie and he set the fire alarms off once by using a george foreman grill balanced on the toilet cistern to whip up a brace of chops for a midnight snack.

he orders in ribs and burgers and “meat lovers pizza” when he needs a snack and being a good aussie bloke, washes it all down with a couple of schooners of beer. he probably couldn’t get away with this in a regular hospital but our patients are encouraged to view the gimcrack as a hotel with medical assistance and ollie wants to be master of his own destiny.

he’s already finding it hard to move around much and quite frankly, if he fell over I’m not sure our mechanical lifter is strong enough to get him back up so drastic measures may be called for. he needs to lose about 50 kilos in a hurry so I’m sending off for this authentic medical treatment first thing tomorrow…….

nosey on down

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as regular readers will know, the two things that get our patients into trouble are sexual activity and drinking. indulging in either of these pastimes often results in someone falling over. we have a “Falls Prevention” program and two full time physiotherapists who try to keep the patients upright and reasonably mobile but it’s a constant battle, especially when the local bottle shop delivers on a daily basis.

Mrs Ph. got tanked on the weekend and fell arse over tit onto her nose *ouch* and is now sporting a schnozz like W C Field’s. In varying shades of blue and red, and looking alarmingly squashed and swollen, it’s not broken and Mrs Ph. has refused to see a doctor. that’s her prerogative of course, and as it’s not a life threatening condition and she doesn’t appear concussed, we’re going to let nature take its course.

though by now most of you know I have a prediliction for instruments of torture fine craftsmanship and I would dearly love to assist the healing process with this French Nasal Rectificateur.

* nursemyra also really wants this uniform

at last! a use for faeces

some days it seems as though the gimcrack is awash with faeces. though nursemyra is in the fortunate position of not having to deal with any of the patients’ bodily waste products, there are still plenty of aural and olfactory clues to remind me that not all of it is initially deposited in a toilet.

luckily, on the other side of the world, some plucky Iranians ran a study that may have uncovered an acceptable use for the faeces that formicates in our hallways

Human faeces can contain significant B12. A study has shown that a group of Iranian vegans obtained adequate B12 from unwashed vegetables which had been fertilised with human manure. Faecal contamination of vegetables and other plant foods can make a significant contribution to dietary needs, particularly in areas where hygiene standards may be low. This may be responsible for the lack of aneamia due to B12 deficiency in vegan communities in developing countries.

Of course, one would need to consider those of our patients who find the thought of ingesting human faeces with their beetroot somewhat unpalatable. perhaps we could make savoury jello which is a popular item on the gimcrack’s menu. after all,  they’ve already shown willingness to eat cow’s hooves…..

floating action