the person nursemyra loves most has terminal cancer in his lungs. a decision was made today to discontinue treatment and just provide palliative care.
I am desperate for a miracle. if anyone has any advice at all, please help me.
there probably won’t be any gimcrack for a while
last week everyone was talking about that dwarf performer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival who got his penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner.
apparently there was some involvement with superglue. he should have taken nursemyra’s advice and greased up with some of her favourite marinade lubricant first
it makes the insertion of overly large objects in smaller than usual receptacles much easier
there was a stoush at the gimcrack a couple of days ago. two male patients, both in their 70s had a bit of a biff. so what do you think would lead to elderly gents squaring off at each other? a woman? alcohol? psychotropic drugs? walking frame rage?
actually it was mushroom soup. Jim helped himself instead of waiting to be served. Tim objected. bread rolls were thrown, glasses of milk were spilt. a cheek was tapped with an arthritic fist. no one was really hurt and after time out in the naughty corner, the two protaganists were persuaded to shake and make up. that should have been the end of it. but no.
Jim has an ex wife who visits every few days. she arrived yesterday morning with an Express Post envelope in her hand, requesting a meeting with the DON. the envelope contained the following message.
“If I am murdered soon, immediately notify the police. their prime suspect should be Tim, though he is not above paying **** to perform the actual deed. If both Tim and **** have an airtight alibi (and this must be thoroughly investigated) then they should turn their attention to the night duty nurse on my ward as she also has reason to wish me dead”
the nurse in question is a young blonde Italian with an easygoing disposition and a poor command of the english language. we checked the notes she’s been writing up in Jim’s file and it’s all rather tame “patient requested water during the night. patient slept well. patient requested bedpan.”
difficult to infer a murderous intent from that. but never let it be said that nursemyra does not take her job seriously. blondenurse has been rostered on to a different ward. *** was only here on respite anyway and is due for discharge on monday. we’re keeping a close eye on Tim and have put his chequebook in the safe as an added precaution.
we’re going to try adjusting Jim’s medication. if things don’t settle down, the geriatrician might transfer him to the locked ward for a little holiday in observation.
and mushroom soup? definitely off the menu.
when nursemyra came across this picture her first thought was come to mama ”there’s no way I’m gonna post this on the gimcrack’s blog”
but after a little gentle persuasion from Archie, Doctor Mom and Former Frontier Editor I have uncharacteristically succumbed to pressure.
so, for a glimpse at the aptly named ”gates of hell” follow the nurse by clicking on the link below her stethoscope
gates-of-hell-chastity-device-2.jpg
our good friends the mormons have this advice for those with determination.
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.This determination is the first step.
we’ve usually got a few vacancies at the gimcrack. there are currently 116 permanent patients which leaves 10 spare beds for respite seekers. suddenly there is a run on these spare beds, every social worker in town is buttering up nursemyra, begging me to take yet another of their unplaceable clients.
I’m a soft touch for a hard luck story. much to the DON’s despair, I’ve said yes ten times this week and the newbies have started rolling in. they’re the usual ratbag bunch with a variety of idiosyncrasies, but today’s entrant……
she’s an ex-beautician/showgirl fallen on hard times. physically fit but losing it upstairs. she made a grand entrance in high heeled red ankle boots, matching lipstick, a swirling leopard print coat and a very chic bob. two people asked if she were my mother. I really must stop wearing leopard print corsets to work.
the good thing about admitting a glamourous new patient is that she is keen to ply her trade and has come fully equipped with a pantechnicon of cosmetics. I skivved off for sacrificed an hour of my precious time helping Magda unpack and categorise various ungents and beautifiers. her collection spans decades and includes appliances nursemyra has never seen before.
forget eyelash curlers and brow stencils. Magda has a machine that takes measurements of your bone structure and shows you where to apply shapers, shaders and highlighters to downplay the defects and draw attention to the assets. I can’t find anything quite like it to show you here but it does have a lot in common with the Max Factor Beauty Micrometer
regular readers may know where I’m headed with this. we have a transgendered patient whose fledgeling attempts to appear female have stalled at dress wearing. a lesson or two in depilation and a couple of facials might prevent some of the shock visitors usually experience when they run into Duc L’Orange in the elevator or ladies’ toilets.
again, that damned confidentiality clause prevents me showing you a true likeness of Madame Duc but if you can imagine a taller, greyer, older, hairier “lady” than this, you’ll understand why we have our hopes pinned on Magda’s Magic Mezzotinter
