flesh worms

those scaremongers at Searchlights on Health are still at it. they would have us believe that the oh so common mite is actually a flesh worm which disguises itself as a blackhead.

 

This is a minute little creature, scientifically called Demodex folliculorum, hardly visible to the naked eye, with comparatively large fore body, a more slender hind body and eight little stumpy processes that do duty as legs. No specialized head is visible, although of course there is a mouth orifice. These creatures live on the sweat glands or pores of the human face, and owing to the appearance that they give to the infested pores, they are usually known as “black-heads.” It is not at all uncommon to see an otherwise pretty face disfigured by these ugly creatures, although the insects themselves are nearly transparent white. 

mites are as common as muck. they’ve been cohabiting with us for years and the older you are the more mites you’re likely to have so the gimcrack is probably crawling with them. they’re invisible to the naked eye so try not to think about them too much. here’s a great image by Ken Shaddock to take your mind off your mites…..

communing at happy hour

have I mentioned before that the gimcrack is a charitable institution owned by a certain church? we’ve got baptists, seventh day adventists, lutherans, methodists, buddhists, catholics, jews and even a shinto patient – you don’t have to be a ****** to qualify for our hand jobs tender loving care.

on fridays Mark the chaplain conducts a service in the main lounge and everyone is welcome to attend. he gets a reasonable turnout because there’s holy communion and it might be wafer thin but it’s still edible so our food obsessed crazies line up for the freebie. he almost lost some of his stalwarts a few weeks back when it was rosh hashanah and the rebbetzin was handing out apples and honey. we had so many converts to judaism that day we had to take pork off the menu. then someone mentioned yom kippur and fasting rituals so christianity triumphed yet again.

yesterday when communion was being distributed B.E. was in the lineup. Mark deposited the blessed bread on her outstretched tongue and moved on but the wafer got stuck on B.E’s dental plate and she panicked. choking sounds attracted Mark’s attention and he turned around just as B.E. ejected the denture and a surprising amount of spittle into his raised hand. the effort of ejecting at one end caused a sympathetic emptying at the other.

I don’t think they warn chaplains about this at divinity college. no wonder televangelism is so popular, the likelihood of a close encounter with your flock’s fluids is lessened somewhat if your sermon is beamed in from a remote location. but Mark is a trooper. he just wiped the surplus off his surplice and carried on down the aisle, doling out the eucharist to the rest of the faithful.

juniornurse mopped up B.E. and the cleaner came and sanitised the scene of the crime. he had to be extra quick as it was the last friday of the month and you know what happens then don’t you?

happy hour went off without a hitch. B.E. wasn’t invited so we donated her ration of dry red to jesus’ representative here on earth. it may not have been the blood of christ but we’re not asking for miracles at the gimcrack. just access to the S8 drug cupboard and enough alcohol to make the job palatable.

and maybe a better brand of denture adhesive.

casual floral friday 28 september

this kind of matches the stockings

casual legs friday 28 september

have I mentioned before that I have a collection of stockings to go with the corsets?

beauty advice from Searchlights on Health

nursemyra is still enamoured with this publication 

5. The Only Sensible and Safe Hair Oil.—The following is considered a most valuable preparation: Take of extract of yellow Peruvian bark, fifteen grains; extract of rhatany root, eight grains; extract of burdoch root and oil of nutmegs (fixed), of each two drachms; camphor (dissolve with spirits of wine), fifteen grains; beef marrow, two ounces; best olive oil, one ounce; citron juice, half a drachm; aromatic essential oil, as much as sufficient to render it fragrant; mix and make into an ointment. Two drachms of bergamot, and a few drops of attar of roses would suffice.

I think it would take more than a couple of drachms of bergamot to counteract the camphor and beef marrow so I’ll give that sensible and safe hair oil a miss.

because we have enough trouble with the various odours that leak from our patients as it is.

more netsuke

satisfied smiles……….

table manners from Searchlights on Health

Searchlights on Health, the Science of Eugenics is a guide to Purity and Physical Manhood with Advice to Maiden, Wife and Mother about Love, Courtship and Marriage.

there’s so much in this book that I hardly know where to begin.   nursemyra found the section on table manners particularly relevant to the gimcrack because food is a major preoccupation for most of our patients

15. Should you find a worm or insect in your food, say nothing about it.

well luckily most of our patients have pretty poor eyesight, so they probably wouldn’t notice if we garnished our meals with little critters.  of course our kitchen staff adhere to the Food Safety Act so worms and insects generally don’t make an appearance on the menu. sadly the same cannot be said for food that patients keep in their rooms. or things that patients keep in their rooms as food.

Lionel has been with us for a couple of years now. he’s fairly normal except for his habit of eating lizards. it’s a habit that nursemyra tries to discourage but we can’t keep him under surveillance all day long and now that the warmer weather is here Lionel’s been hovering around the garden at frequent intervals. he mostly eats them as he catches them but yesterday we found a couple hidden in a biscuit tin, awaiting their fate as a midnight snack

we released them back into the garden and tried to console Lionel with some snake lollies instead though I don’t think they provide the wriggly effect he so enjoys.

not sure that wriggly effect lasts seven years though……..

keep away from lewd women

nursemyra has discovered the 1917 teachings of Major Moss of the United States Army. he had a most curious way of referring to the clap as a plant.

A syphilitic person in always dangerous although apparent well. He often has a sore mouth and his spit is as dangerous as that of a mad dog. The bite of such a man will develop a chancre and any pipe, cup, or tooth pick which he uses, or his kiss, will give syphilis.

The clap plant likes to grow in the linings of the openings of the body where it is dark and warm and moist where it causes a catarrhal discharge called Clap, which is easily smeared on hands, towels, handkerchiefs or by actual contact.

It grows well in the eyelids, causing great damage and often blindness. Many babies get the clap plant into the eyes during birth, from the mother, and unless treated within a few minutes after birth, have sore eyes and go blind, a terrible calamity to the child

The clap plant also grows well in the cavities of the joints, causing rheumatism and crippling; it grows in the heart, sassing valvular heart disease, which is incurable, and also in the generative organs of men and women, causing self made eunuchs and childless wives.

When a young man is “sowing his wild oats” he is really planting in his own body the syphilis and clap plants, and the harm will be greater than any other crop. He will reap it in days of bed ridden misery, and possible sudden death. Ho will reap it in bitter hours by the bedside through the illness and death of his wife or in her long years of ill health. He will reap it in little white coffins, idiot babies. blind, deaf and dumb, sickly and stunted children.

The best way to avoid venereal diseases is to keep away from lewd women, and live a clean moral life. It is said by medical authorities that sexual intercourse is not necessary to preserve health and manly vigor, and that the natural sexual impulse can be kept under control by avoiding associations, conversations, and thoughts of a lewd character.

Seek good companions like your mother and sister. Keep away from John Barleycorn. He always wants to turn you over to a harlot.

nursemyra’s advice for today? beware of letting naked women bearing plants anywhere near your manhood…..

pussy footing around

I’m still getting lots of foot fetishists stumbling into the gimcrack. recently I had my best day ever, yet it’s only the loyal few who leave a comment. why is that? sure, nursemyra has lots of scary appliances, but most of them are just for show and some of them are just for the eeewwwww factor

The feature that makes the Pussy Foot even better than an actual foot is the pussy located on the sole of the foot. You can passionately fuck the foot in a way you’ve never been able to before.

this one was just for the eeeewwww factor

layer cake

nursemyra has had a couple of offline enquiries about Harry. if you had to interact with harry five days a week like I do, you probably wouldn’t be making empathic enquiries about his health. but, jaded as I am by the state of harry’s sphincter, I’m still in a more fortunate position than the visiting plumber.

we have a ‘pink slip’ system at the gimcrack. if a patient has a blown light globe or a blocked sink, they fill out a pink slip and leave it in the handyman’s pigeon hole. in theory, he checks his pigeon hole every couple of hours and completes necessary repairs the same day. in practice, he farms most of the work out to a licensed plumber or electrician and uses the pink slips to make paper aeroplanes.

harry writes out more pink slips than any other patient and they always seem to be for a blocked toilet. we’ve had the plumber out three times in the past ten days and it’s plain to see by his report sheet that he’s getting a little tired of harry too.

“contents of blocked toilet resembled a layer cake. three layers of shit separated by approximately two rolls worth of toilet paper stacked up to the seat. second callout this week. what are you feeding this guy?”

nursemyra was reluctant to concede that the gimcrack diet may be at fault so she produced a Bristol Stool Chart to help the plumber elaborate.

he settled on type 6 so we can rule out cholera and probably just cut back on the coloxyl and senna. it’d be nice if we could get harry’s stools to a type 4 but geriatric anuses are pretty contrary outlets. they’re either stoppered up completely or on full faucet.

so if you plan on living to a ripe old age like harry, start training your bowel now. eat lots of roughage, drink lots of water, cut back on the refined sugars, especially the kind that make a layer cake out of what should be a snake…..