ne touchez pas les testicules

now that the government has introduced mandatory reporting of the slightest inkling of “abuse” I’ve noticed a tendency amongst our patients to “work the system”.

recently a couple of the old boys mentioned that the male nurses have been washing their testicles with undue pressure. none of our staff want to be involved in a lengthy bureaucratic liaison with red tape so we have a situation where female nurses are doing more shower duties while the male nurses get to swan around handing out medications and tizzying up old ladies’ hair.

over the weekend I will be working on a solution to this problem which may or may not involve one of nursemyra’s instruments. of course I will try reasoning with the recalcitrants first by appealing to their abdominal brain………

The prostate gland warmer promised to “stimulate the abdominal brain!”  The device consists of a 4.25 inch probe and a blue light bulb in a socket on a nine foot cord.  When plugged in, the light bulb lit up.

if that doesn’t work, I can always go straight to the heart of the matter with this parachute ball stretcher

though rest assured, even nursemyra wouldn’t use the one with interior spikes

casual friday 21 september

I dunno. I’m really trying to keep this blogging thing together. I get up in the morning and I go to work and I look at all the crazy patients and I help them keep their shit together (and there’s a lot of shit in a hospital like ours) and I’m mostly managing but then the weekend comes around and I have a hole in my heart that’s a fucking mile wide.

casual friday is all about the fun side of geriatric care, notable because nursemyra wears a different corset under her uniform on fridays. if the patients have been bad it’s likely to be black latex and a whip or two could make its way out of the special cupboard. if they’ve been good, I might wear white or even resort to spring colours.

well today I wore the corset and I went to work. I drank red wine (maybe that was a mistake) and ate dinner with a friend, came home and took the usual friday photograph.

hope you like the pink and black. someone special liked it.

next friday there will be no red wine with dinner!

 

 

clitoris enhancement system

nursemyra’s never ending quest for ways to improve her patients’ sex lives led to……..

 This pump is the best invention ever created better than the wheel. I have noticed 100 percent clitoris growth from 2 inches to 4 inches. I can even use my clitoris for anal sex with my husband. I have the creamiest orgasms ever. One big downfall is that sometimes I passout from the massive amounts of blood that flow to my clitoris. But all of the injuries I have obtained from passing are worth every bone tinging orgasm

hey… don’t look at me. my job is just to educate…….

urolagnia

nursemyra has a new fascination with russian advice. I mean, those guys really know their stuff and tell it like it is

Urine therapy: Drinking urine requires great skills and caution

“It is possible to cure any disease by drawing the urine through the nostrils every morning. Digestion will improve and the whole body will grow stronger.”

“A person will live a long life if he massages his entire body with his own urine three times in daytime and three times at night.”

People are advised to use urine as eye and ear drops.

really?  nursemyra understands the whole golden shower thing…. but snorting the stuff? and urine eye drops? Lizza won’t be the only one with pink eye if this takes off.

we do a lot of urine collecting at the gimcrack. every time one of our geriatric crazies starts exhibiting even crazier behaviour we suspect they’ve come down with a urinary tract infection. getting a sample can be a bit tricky at times but through painstaking research I have uncovered the Tru-Catch

what I like most about the Tru-Catch is  “you can even handcuff an individual and still obtain a true sample. Simply place the handcuffs on the individual behind their back and tell them to sit down and pee”

nurses, handcuffs and golden showers…… do you think there’s a market for this stuff?

 

 

leech on to this part deux

it’s not only the perfumed garden who recommends the use of leeches. my russian friends  also think they’re a helluva good idea

Hemorrhoids unable to struggle against leeches and well-trained anus

Apply 2-3 leeches either around the sacrum or the coccyx or around the anus to provide relief during the early stages of a hemorrhoid flair-up.

It’s interesting that they think haemorrhoids have flair, because quite frankly, the glimpses I’ve seen in my nursing career have left me with a much less favourable impression. of course I’m definitely in favour of a well trained anus. as my favourite builder knows, a good retaining wall is essential so I hope you’re all doing those kegel exercises I recommended last month.

as you can see, nursemyra has been doing hers………

 

nil lost injury time

remember the list of almost incidents and near misses we receive each month? well it’s that time again. the good news is that the gimcrack doesn’t appear on the list at all so we must be doing something right. our sister hospitals didn’t fare so well…..

Hospital A: sitting all day at education, pain in buttocks

Hospital B: stream of loose bowel motion sprayed into employees face

Hospital B: slipped in vomit after witnessing previous incident

Hospital C: slapped, kicked and choked by patient

Hospital A: transferring patient with two person lift, conflict on amount of assistance given by partner

there’s a lot of reading between the lines with that last one but I’m sure you’ll agree that sitting all day at education is a right pain in the arse.

and we’re all deeply grateful we don’t work at Hospital B

 

hair today gone tomorrow

we have a hairdressing salon at the gimcrack because nothing is more important to ageing lotharios and faded belle de jours than keeping up appearances.  it’s an old school type of salon where ladies can get a blue rinse and gents can stock up on californian poppy and brylcream.  geraldo has been successfully plying his trade for years and his skill with a curling iron or a nasal hair trimmer is legendary.

but geraldo has been teasing and trimming for so long now that he’s a decade or two older and crazier than some of our patients and the time has come for him to hang up his shingle. recently there were a couple of close shaves with head lice due to an unfortunate lapse in infection control. no one actually complained about the mixup between the can of hairspray and air freshener but an incident with a blow torch took a little creative explaining to an irate family when their mother ended up with an unexpected radical new look.

so we hosted a little farewell party for geraldo on friday. there were tears and heartfelt speeches followed by hugs and handshakes as he toddled towards the door to begin his new life as a retiree in the suburbs.

but geraldo had one last surprise for us. previously a big time flirt, he’d cultivated a don juan reputation that had female patients simpering and vying for his attention. advancing years had taken their toll and even nursemyra thought geraldo had laid the trouser snake to rest. so I was as gobsmacked as everyone else when his ‘new girlfriend’ arrived to pick him up…………….

Mrs Poe’s daughter is out of rehab!

if the condition of your intertriginous area is ingravescent

One of our patients, PC, has particularly bad psoriasis. I had occasion to go to his room the other day and found myself walking through a layer of sloughed skin. that conjours up a gross image I know but hey… you guys don’t come here just for the casual friday visuals do you?

ok, so I’ve taken your sensibilities into consideration and not posted a pic of PC but Roza Kanina has an uncanny likeness for those of you with a strong stomach. she also has a plethora of scientific information and advice that I may be tempted to utilise after a visit to the S8 drug cupboard or following my current regime of red wine and anti depressants.

By shape , size, form, expansion, morphological appearance psoriasis can be :

- Psoriasis punctuate- the marks are small as a grain ?of wheat

- Psoriasis guttata- the marks are as big drops of water

- Psoriasis nummularis ? where the marks are big as coins

- Psoriasis geographic ? where lesions are like geographic cart

- Psoriasis eritrodermithis – is one of the wort difficult psoriasis

- Psoriasis inverse- located on intertriginal parts and flexor sides of the extremities and genitals whit red smooth and shiny surfaces frequently wet macerated with fissures and crusts

- Psoriasis capiliti ? atacts the scalp of the head with fat layers of losps; in this case the hair never falls of.

- -Ppsoriasis pustiloza ? a rearer form with visable and steril pustules

Medicine in treatment of psoriasis is power less. Alternative medicine offers a solution under one condition. Discipline of the pacient, of his behavior. Healing is almost guaranteed only in case of sub ordinance. Once (and for all your should come awake that psoriasis is not incurable for what on your first meeting with the doctor you will hear the opposite whit no guilt on his conscious he will gladly execute psychological murder, destroying every hope.

I am intrigued by the inclusion of sub ordinance as a prerequisite for healing. with this in mind nursemyra offers loyal readers a chance to participate in one of her clinical trials testing the efficacy of certain instruments in achieving compliance…….. leave your details in the comments section and I’ll be by with the whip medically endorsed apparatus shortly.

Stephen Birch 1961 – 2007

For Stephen

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.