sperm care

as a rule our crazy geriatrics don’t concern themselves with pregnancy though a high percentage of them still like to practise insemination especially after happy hour.

but one of our staff is currently attending a fertility clinic so we’re all about the sperm today. men tend to be pretty cavalier about this stuff, spraying it around at any opportunity, but there are different factors that can affect its quality. emotional stress for instance can result in impaired mobility and sperm with stunted heads. the jury is still out on the tight underwear factor but try to keep your testes from overheating, it’s not good for them. a current publication I consulted is advising you to avoid steam baths and hot showers also.

being overweight is undesirable. it not only diminishes your fertility, but also means you get laid less often. you don’t want that do you?

so there you have it guys. look after your baby gravy, take care of your gentleman’s relish. follow nursemyra’s advice. we don’t give any short head around here.

 

 

 

picture perfect puss

I don’t usually post videos but this one goes so perfectly with my fear of beaver fever

please don’t let it be beaver fever

it’s been less than three months since the gimcrack had a gastroenteritis outbreak. today two patients presented with explosive diarrhea. we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it’s not the dreaded beaver fever again because going into lockdown mode is no fun.

the thing that makes me most hopeful is that one of these patients is Lily and the other one is charles, a retired chicken farmer with very poor eyesight. you may recall that Lily has been on the lookout for a root sexual partner to while away the boredom of being a long term patient at the gimcrack. and we strongly suspect that charles has taken the bait

in which case, they’re probably both just sick from gorging on the stale chocolates that Lily hordes in her room. time will tell. we’ve sent stool samples off to pathology and confined the lovebirds to their separate rooms.

charles will have to keep his rooster in the cage for a little while, just until we get the all clear from pathology. though part of me hopes he’s not too compliant. I’d love an excuse to order one of these…..

A for ataxia (or the many uses of alcohol)

ataxia is a gait disorder that is sometimes seen in older patients admitted for ethanol abuse.  when BJ walks her legs form a straight A at all times. she’s been with us for a couple of years and we monitor her alcohol intake carefully. she calls it her “medicine” and we play along by serving it in a cute little medical measuring cup.

moderate intake of red wine supposedly helps prevent heart disease and also wards off macular degeneration, an age related eye disease that you don’t want to get. so I’m all in favour of washing down your B12 supplements with therapeutic doses of fermented grapes or distilled barley.

we have other uses for alcohol at the gimcrack. it’s a good antiseptic to clean skin tears, another common affliction in the elderly. skin integrity is compromised as we age, so a daily application of an emollient is a habit I’d recommend. or you could ask a friendly nurse like Blondie or Ruby to demonstrate if you’re not sure of the procedure.

go here for more Panzar illustrations

of course there will always be people who like to experiment but my professional opinion is that champagne is too acidic for older drier skins  so octogenarians should not attempt to use it in this way.

p.s. alcohol is also good for removing foot odour and vomit stains after happy hour but nursemyra prefers just to drink it.

fornicating with fibre

nursemyra likes her patients to be as happy as possible while living at the gimcrack. most of them would rather be somewhere else so it’s a difficult task but I like to think I’m up to the challenge. two things that can raise serotonin levels are food and sex so it’s not surprising to find that the good people at Homemade Sex Toys have put a lot of effort and creativity into developing this combination.

the instructions are quite detailed so I think even our not so bright kitchen staff should be able to follow the recipe if I print it out. the gimcrack’s halloween celebration is looking a lot more interesting now that I’ve found a new use for pumpkins.

pumpkins contain 1.5 grams of fibre per half cup which is not really all that much so nursemyra advises her patients (and readers) to also include plenty of fruit in their diet.

if you follow my recommendations of eating healthy food, drinking plenty of water and indulging in regular exercise (see above) then your bowels will reward you with a satisfying evacuation every day. unless of course you’d actually prefer one of these……

balls balls balls

as part of our falls prevention program, we’re trialling a new exercise ball at the gimcrack.

 

 you know those balls you sit on that are supposed to strengthen your core muscles? well it’s one of those but it comes with a bowl shaped support stand which makes it more stable and suitable for our crazy geriatrics.

the trouble is, not many of them are keen to try it so nursemyra has been looking for ways to make it more appealing. as luck would have it, my friend Mr. Jack of China Adult Novelties understands this very common problem and has devised a solution.

Our most affordable manual device. Very simple, but effective in creating a wild riding experience. It’s easy to use. Simply inflate the ball, attach the realistic 6 inch Vac-U-Lock dong and mount either anally or vaginally. Being penetrated by this device and forced to ride is a hot scenario for many.The E-Z Rider Rocker and any of our easy slip on VAC-U-LOCK products can now give you total control while you assume a dominant position for an unbelievable solo experience. Or at the same time the E-Z Rider Rocker makes oral stimulation with you partner

it certainly would help to anchor them in and provide that much needed reassurance that they won’t fall off in a hurry. because we’re all about patient safety and falls prevention at the gimcrack. with a dash of sexual satisfaction.

hmmm… maybe I should put that on our new brochures….

 

t-shirt friday

it’s the last friday of the month so it’s t-shirt friday not to be confused with corset friday which will be back next week

I believe DaddyP, 70s Teen and Surftwin are also going to post t-shirt pics today…..

those sex mad maharajahs

Mrs. L is becoming more difficult. she spends most of the morning lying in bed waiting for the cleaner to arrive.

Apu tries to concentrate on his vacuuming, and avoids eye contact with Mrs. L as much as possible but she still maintains he’s perving on her naked body and wants to “stick his thing into her because all those black bastards are sex mad”. she should be so lucky.

Apu is actually a bit of a hottie and a big improvement on guiseppe. he could probably ”clean” several of the gimcrack’s nurses without fear of a sexual harrassment suit curtailing future activities.

but I digress. we need to get Mrs. L covered up because way too many of our staff are having to take stress leave after an unexpected confrontation with her prolapse. I’ve placed an order for something like this which has lots of straps and tabs not unlike a straitjacket so she’ll find it much harder to flash once we get her chained in dressed.

now I know it’s a turn off for most readers to be reminded about what happens to those who don’t do their kegel exercises, but believe me I’m posting these little reminders for your own good. I hope you’re all clenching those muscles right now. you are? because there’s nothing quite so satisfying as a tight fit……

 

bittersweet (making light of a serious topic)

regular readers know nursemyra lost someone special recently. spending an evening blogging (about nursing, sex, medicine and appliances) is one of the strange rituals that helps me cope.

another weird ritual is taking his t-shirt to bed with me as it still retains an aromatic memory. over time I suppose this will completely fade away, but the even the act of laying my cheek and nose against the fabric invokes a ghostly presence that I find comforting.

so I love this sexy ad for men’s underwear I stumbled across this evening. nursemyra is not blonde but otherwise this is a fair representation of what I’ve been up to lately….

count to ten

nursemyra has advocated the use of a TENS machine before. the gimcrack’s physiotherapist hooked me up to one when my back was less than shipshape and it worked for me.

some people have taken this technology ten steps further

The medilike digi Pro 4000 is one of the best TENS-instrument. It has got 2 separate regulated chanals, which makes it possible to serve the penis and Anus in different ways and at the same time.

The electricity-TENS-instrument can get connected to the stimulation currentchamber. This makes it possibleto become an orgasmus with the chastitybelt closed, in a way you`ve never intensity. With the other programs, you will also give your penis acute punishment.