all trussed up and nowhere to go

patient BL has just come back from the real bigger hospital up the road after a hernia repair. BL was formerly a believer in the Cluthe Rupture Institute’s claims, he had been soldiering through life with a truss type appliance.

Because free from “harness,” there is nothing about the Cluthe Truss that can bulge the clothing. It can be worn under corsets; or worn under tights without showing. Many acrobats wear Cluthe Trusses under their tights when performing.

unfortunately his performing days were behind him, though that didn’t stop BL suggesting the Brooke’s method to one of our night nurses.

luckily, a hernia operation is a much less painful procedure than it was back in the unenlightened days of early medicine

according to medscape this was one method utilised before the Cluthe Institute set to work 

And the result of all this study and experimenting was the invention of the famous Cluthe Truss and Automatic Massager.

massage is classed as an extra service at the gimcrack. BL’s not going to be getting any extra services from our nurses. but don’t think we’re entirely heartless. if he’s finding it hard to sleep after the excursion up the road nursemyra is always happy to unlock the drug cupboard.

 

create your own capon

due to the rise in unacceptable behaviours at the gimcrack nursemyra has been researching new disciplinary instruments…..

(no cutting, tearing or twisting of delicate parts)

my male readers can stop crossing their legs and wincing. nursemyra is scrupulously fair and believes in rewarding good behaviour too

Johann Nepomuk Geiger

bum steer

we’ve got a new patient. Mrs L has vascular dementia and as a consequence has become very disinhibited. there’s probably a lot of guys out there who wish younger women suffered with this as Mrs. L thinks it’s ok to walk around wearing not very much in the way of clothing. in fact she’s generally nekkid.

as she’s in her late 70s it’s not a pretty sight. of course she’s not always nekkid. some days she steps out of the elevator wearing a singlet and a nappy or as we call it in the medical profession, a continence aid.

yesterday she was dressed normally but the walk from from the lift to the lounge seemed to be applying some internal pressure, causing the release of several farts as she made her way past my desk. farting is just background noise to nurses, we can easily ignore it. but apparently Mrs. L’s are of the contagious variety, because arse music started erupting from two of the other nearby geriatric posteriors at the same time.

one of those bums belonged to Duc. I don’t know if there’s yet been a study conducted on transgendered farting but I’m willing to bet the greenhouse gas she’s producing would rival that of a herd of cows and it’s lucky we’re a “No Smoking” facility or there could have been a very nasty spontaneous combustion incident.

I’ve heard of flatulence odour control pants but if they’re anything like the charcoal smell absorbers we already have they’re pretty useless. maybe Ken Shaddock’ has the right idea with this image of a tight seal

friday handcuffs

I saw four policemen and a handcuffed woman just milling about in the sunshine today when I left the gimcrack momentarily to get some lunch. I don’t know why she was handcuffed but she didn’t look as if she liked it one bit…..

maybe the police needed a few lessons from nursemyra

it’s quiplash for the aquaphiliacs

who would have thought trivial pursuit could be so dangerous? some weeks back we had a stoush over mushroom soup, today it was over something even more trifling.

the diversional therapist runs a trivia quiz twice a week to stimulate the dementing minds of our patients. usually it’s the same dozen or so inmates who turn up and lately it’s been getting a little competitive. Jim objected to something PJ said and staged a mock trip while passing a jug of water which conveniently upended itself over PJ’s head.

the behaviours that go on in a geriatric/psychiatric facility such as ours would rival  those at a drug and testosterone fuelled rock concert. PJ took a swing at Jim, missed completely, lost his balance and grabbed at the DT to break his fall. he caught her shirt on the way down causing its buttons to pop open. so we’ve got wet t-shirts, foul language and exposed breasts in a room where the average age is probably 82.

to be honest, I can’t quite work out the sex/age of the hosee in this picture, nor what that thing is that appears to be perched on “his?” head but I’m all in favour of nurses indulging in a little unconventional discipline when their patients need cooling off.

because if Jim doesn’t settle down soon nursemyra will have no alternative…..

rock bottom

the nursing staff at the gimcrack are used to giving enemas. if the coloxyl and senna tablets aren’t working we’re in there with the rubber hose and all its accroutments, unblocking old passages.it’s best to leave this procedure to an expert as the results can be disastrous in the hands of an amateur.

The patient had used an enema containing a concrete mix which became impacted and required surgical removal. Upon further questioning, the patient said that approximately 4 hrs earlier he and his boyfriend had been “fooling around.” After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care. Under general anesthesia, the anus was dilated and two Foley catheters were inserted alongside the rectal mass to relieve suction. A concrete case of the rectum was delivered without incident.

The patient was kept overnight and discharged uneventfully the following morning. The attending physician recommended a psychiatric consultation, but the patient declined.

ear candling

there are some people who swear by it but most audiologists disapprove of ear candling. the brown deposit that can be seen after candling is not ear wax that has been removed but a residue from the candle itself. in some rare cases the procedure has actually caused damage so nursemyra does not advocate this practice.

nor does she advise using candles for clearing out other orifices…….

ask a medical professional

In late summer several years ago, the county medical examiner was called by the police to view two bodies found in bed in a private home. The home belonged to a 39-year-old caucasian male whose body was one of those found in the bed. The other body was that of a 31-year-old caucasian female. The female body overlaid that of the male. It was obvious that the couple was engaged in sexual relations when they died. The deaths apparently were related to the use of an elaborate apparatus utilizing electrical current for stimulation. A heavy metal rod measuring 22 cm in length and 2.5 cm in diameter was inserted 18 cm into the male’s rectum. The rod was inserted 18 cm into the female’s rectum with a similar wire attached and leading to the voltage regulator.  On the bed table was also noted a 1-lb. jar of lubricating cream. The couple was last seen alive more than 24 hours before.

PMID: 7325139 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

this cautionary tale is an old story. nevertheless, there must still be a market for electric sex because the Haolaifu Science Co sells plenty of devices that utilise dangerous currents which

promote muscle activity, increase blood circulation, low sensitivity to the crowd a good role. Simulation create perfectly natural linen flaky and pleasure. 3, the nipple, the clitoris, the vagina, G, balanoposthitis unrested to create the impression that Ma flaky. There was a light rain like it, the murmur pipelining; Vibration can also surging, so you excited. Sometimes Bulletin Board and sometimes a very tough battle. So you do not know is in heaven or in hell.

Haolaifu Science Co are aware of the dangers so their Sex Electric Shock device comes with these warnings…

(5) Taboo issues:
1, do not let minors or unable to express their will to use.
2, the infirm banned.
3, the use of pacemakers and heart monitors patients banned.
4, hypertension patients (180mmHg) Prohibited.
5, pregnant women, disabled.
6, epilepsy, stroke, Parkinsons, such as encephalopathy in patients with Meniere banned.

I would go one step further. if you must insert electrically charged objects into the body, ensure a trained medical professional is at hand. gimcrack nurses are available for after hours consulations. sometimes bulletin board and sometimes very tough battle.

dr. brown’s confession

stolen from rivergirlssoap

Dr. Samuel Brown needs his head read.

nursemyra, honorary nurselizza and buff orderly penfold would be way more fun

make your own

regular readers know that we have some pretty horny inmates who sometimes indulge in dangerous sexual activities. the safety of patients is a high priority so nursemyra has been researching a less risky way of satisfying those libidinous urges.

the gimcrack’s budget doesn’t run to one of these life like ladies but I have discovered a cheaper version though there is some assemblage required

apparently you can even design one to fist you if that’s your thing though I would advise fistees to be very careful. never force anything too large inside the anus, it is a delicate organ and ruptures have very unpleasant consequences.

the penis used in the doll above doesn’t look very lifelike to me. grannienurse reportedly had access to a few in her youth. perhaps she has a mould we can borrow…..