a visit from the tooth fairy for the edentulous

nursemyra takes a couple of days off and all hell breaks loose. one of our patients used his pension cheque to buy street drugs as apparently ours weren’t providing the right sort of hallucinations. then he got some xmas spirit and shared it around resulting in the usual ambulance trip to the bigger hospital up the road for him and two of his mates.

our communications system malfunctioned leaving the gimcrack phoneless and without emergency buzzers for 18 hours. a patient on the 6th floor decided to call the fire brigade (patient’s rooms are not on our switchboard, they all have their own lines) and CK developed more teeth problems.

I thought the majority of CK’s troublesome teeth had been extracted several months ago but there must have been one lying dormant so yesterday he prised most of it out with a butter knife leaving a nasty mess on the dining room table. another callout for the mobile dentist.

you may remember the mobile dentist was accompanied by an attractive assistant last time he came. the assistant was back, this time with a female dentist. funny how our patients’ dental phobias seems to melt away with the appearance of two new bosoms.

CK had his botched extraction cleaned up and was measured for a new partial plate. lucky for him, it will be made of ceramic not from hippopotamus ivory (circa 1800s) or celluloid (circa 1890s) which could possibly melt if he had a hot cup of tea. they do like their tea hot at the gimcrack.

a word of warning if you’re travelling to vietnam like nursemyra sometimes does. take an emergency dental repair kit with you as these are the kind of teeth you could end up with if you eat too much of their delicious sticky coconut candy.

self fellatio is not for the elderly

continuing my recent research on preventing prostate cancer, nursemyra has further good news to impart to her male readers

Countering prostate cancer Over the past few years, several journals have published studies showing that the more ejaculations the better. ‘High ejaculation frequency is related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer.’ (The Journal of the American Medical Association).

female readers should not feel left out. nursemyra’s research will always include the fairer sex

Fighting aging One thing’s for sure: ‘Use it or lose it’ is literally true. For example, postmenopausal women often suffer from ‘vaginal atrophy,’ which is what it sounds like and can lead to all sorts of complications like urinary tract infections. What’s one way to prevent it? More intercourse.

and by now I’m sure you’ve all heard about the study that claims swallowing semen is good for depression. I’ll be sure to pass that information on to my patients at the next sex ed class I run. though I won’t be advocating they take up this position to do so, the O H & S committee would prefer me to hand out specimen jars rather than encourage dangerous activities.

image sourced here

another all too common ailment in my elderly patients is osteoporosis. diet, heredity and exercise all have a role to play in preventing its onset but did you know that breastfeeding also helps?

 lactation protects against premenopausal breast cancer and osteoporosis (ABA 2003)

I don’t think this lovely lass has breastfed any babies yet though no doubt there are a few of my male readers who would like to help her prepare for the event…

full nettle jacket

you probably already know that a high percentage of older men develop prostate problems. in the never ending quest to improve her patient’s sex lives quality of life, nursemyra has been investigating claims that the humble nettle can be of benefit.

In Germany today stinging nettle is sold as an herbal drug for prostate diseases. The root is recommended for relief of benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) and other prostate problems, and as a natural remedy to treat or prevent baldness.

you can read more of the scientific detail here. I got a little distracted by the recipe for nettle beer

but I digress. ‘Urtication,’ or flogging with Nettles, was an old remedy for chronic rheumatism and loss of muscular power. rather like rubbing on some deep heat but more painful. then again, perhaps pain was the point of the exercise. the kinky spankers over at this organic S & M site seem pretty enamoured with the effect

The nettle was used by Native Americans to keep awake on long canoe voyages, by English herbwives to “encourage” prize bulls during the mating season, and by English mistresses for much the same purpose. And stinging nettles were as common in Victorian era erotica as figging, birches, and caning.

all information that I find quite fascinating. I wonder what I would have to do to qualify as an ‘herbwife’? encouraging prize bulls sounds like fun. nursemyra also likes to encourage safe sex so here’s another little tip from those kinky organic spankers…..

Men who wear condoms have found that briefly applying nettles to the penis before putting on the condom can compensate for the sensation lost by the latex barrier.

blondie? t shirt friday

surftwin reminded me that this is the last friday of the month, so it’s t shirt friday, not corset friday. had to do a quick outfit change….

I think this is a screen print of blondie but not everyone agrees. here’s another pic without the distracting nipple jewellery. take a closer look and let me know

last time we hosted t-shirt friday, 70s and daddyp joined in the fun. if anyone else wants to be part of it let me know via the comments and I’ll add a link to your blog

breakup under the mistletoe

no update on maurice’s search for love but things are not looking good for our other patients’ love lives either. Arnold has been with us for nearly a year and his first few months were spent comparing and interviewing female inmates for the role of paramour. in july he selected Beatrice and they’ve been a couple ever since.

a problem staff have with these two is that Arnold, at 87, is much sprightlier than his 85 year old girlfriend who requires a walking frame to mobilise. whenever they would go out for coffee, arnold would coerce beatrice to leave the frame behind and use a walking stick instead. some of our patients are very prone to falls and beatrice is one of them, so we were forever chasing up the street after them with the frame.

it seems arnold has suffered the ignominy of having an ageing girlfriend long enough. after 5 months of courtship he declared today that ” an artist must be a free spirit and he can no longer confine himself to one woman, especially one whose problems are interfering with his lifestyle”. he told this to the DT and then asked that she break the news to Beatrice as he didn’t want to have to deal with copious tears.

marriage counselling is not in her job description so arnold was advised to tell beatrice himself. the lady in question was waiting in the corridor outside the DT’s office, just under the strategically placed plastic mistletoe nursemyra hung up before christmas.

which is where he told her. and then he actually started singing. he stood there and sang the first verse and chorus of “Don’t Fence Me In”.

at least he then had the grace to look a little embarrassed. they’re both short sighted so I don’t think either of them even noticed she was under mistletoe. strangely enough, Beatrice wasn’t in the least upset to discover she was single again and there were no tears whatsoever.

arnold was probably a bit miffed by this lack of emotion as I’m sure he thinks he’s the catch of the gimcrack. what would probably piss him off even more is if beatrice finds someone new before he does.

I wonder if maurice finds older women attractive…….

beauty demands sacrifices

This apparatus is for developing a nice and elastic breast in a simple and natural way to keep this delicate part of the body young and beautiful. It is not electric and its running is based on delicate and filiform water jets which accomplish a massage to your breast by their rotating motion.

 Beauty demands sacrifices!*

“This really helps and I can be a beautiful mother and confident Project Manager” Susan, USA

“In fact my breast is not ultra-flat, but as a woman, I wanted to have a fuller and firmer breast to be a confident and beautiful wife“. Gwendelyn, Korea

My wife is a young and pretty bank manager. After much comparison, I decided to let my wife to try Bosom Plus products. I bought Bosom Plus Package for my wife’s birthday present and I told her “if the result is good, I will continue to buy for her”. 2 months later, her breast really increased and she is prettier now. she is more charming too. Dickson, USA

“People look at me differently and I can tell its in a good way rather than laughing at my droopy breast. I really very appreciate to you for launching a amazing product which lift up my droopy breast.” Olivia, Singapore.

**

image sourced here

* the text below beauty demands sacrifices is from a site selling bosomplus not the breast jet apparatus

** I want what Mary’s been using

pink xmas

nursemyra would like to wish all her readers a merry xmas and a fabulous 2008. I’m just grateful for a couple of days away from the gimcrack. I had a slight altercation with a partially clad patient escaping exiting the hospital yesterday. you can see the scratch marks if you look closely - hey! not that close….

I could have just let her go but it wasn’t a pretty sight and I didn’t want to spoil christmas for any unfortunate onlookers. you’ll be relieved to know that she’s chained to a fire hydrant tucked up safely in bed so it won’t matter that we can only afford a skeleton staff on public holidays…..

double life

I’m not the only blogger who leads a double life. by day I’m a dedicated health employee, by night I’m nursemyra. blogging helps me shake off the professional personna and get into the rubber slip back into myself. working with crazy people all day takes its toll, but I’ve developed a few strategies to help me cope.

some of these strategies involve costumes and nursemyra has plenty of these. but as a dedicated nurse can never have too many costumes I’m always on the lookout for more corsets, boots and accessories.

this ad has given me a few ideas so I’m now looking for collars and cuffs. rest assured, no animals will be harmed in the expansion of  my collection, nursemyra would never wear ermine, mink or muskrat. through trawling the net I’ve been reminded I already have thigh high boots and a pleated skirt like this morey model*** 

***(definitely NSFW - this links directly to a porn site, so maybe my female readers might like to give this link a miss)

and I’ve even got the same Red Corvette streaks in my hair. now I’m wondering if someone’s been raiding my wardrobe for inspiration…..

shrink wrapped for your convenience

us young(er) folk don’t like to think about geriatric sex too often. it conjurs up some rather unlovely images. but as regular readers know, several gimcrack patients still risk life and limb to do the horizontal polka.

there is a myth that vaginas become loose with age, quite possibly perpetuated by schonky plastic surgeons or men who have problems maintaining a firm erection. while it’s true that elderly women are more prone to prolapses and incontinence, these conditions are not the result of having a ”flabby flower”

an absence of estrogen in post menopausal women may mean they take longer to lubricate which would actually make their temple of delight appear tighter. there would be no need to purchase any China Shrink Cream from discreetromance.com

Ive had trouble feeling my man due to my looseness and he had trouble as well. Yes, it does fell a little grainy, i noticed a mild acidic scent, but it definately worked for him and I. He was all into me.. However the next morning, i noticed little white clumps in my underwear. But overall its a good product.

nursemyra advises all her elderly patients to adhere to OH&S practices when participating in a hot beef injection. this position is definitely off limits for those with osteoporosis as the risk of broken bones is too high.

a special word of advice for my still fertile female readers. currently your average orgasm yields between 8 and 12 contractions. (nursemyra prefers 12). after menopause the average number of contractions shrinks to between 4 and 5. to maximise the orgasmic contractions you will experience over a lifetime, go have some sex now……….

getting the cane part deux

we use a lot of walking aids at the gimcrack. many of our patients amble around with a rollator frame and there are some days when I wouldn’t mind using one of the groovier models myself. they come with built in shopping baskets and seats with padded back support though I’d prefer to have mine decorated with skulls or naked excited men rather than plain old metallic maroon which seems to be all the rage with the over 80s set.

those who haven’t yet progressed to needing a walking frame or rollator often use a cane. nursemyra likes to play around with the cane too. it’s a pity they don’t still manufacture these 1940 ”maps in a cane”. they’d be a good accessory for our wanderers.

though the canes that I really covet are featured below. are you still wondering what to get nursemyra for christmas? here’s a couple of ideas