friday’s maid part 2

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the ring on my right hand was inherited from my grandmother.

the duster was stephen’s

Published in: on February 29, 2008 at 6:58 am  Comments (22)  

don’t pluck it, f*c* it

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this is probably too much of a “New South Wales, Australia” in-joke, but it had me on the floor laughing this afternoon. To explain, there is a city just an hour or so north of sydney called Gosford. it’s very close to an area called The Entrance.

remember those horrible short shorts that guys used to wear in the 80s? a visitor to the gimcrack was wearing a pair today. just the shorts, running shoes and a tight white singlet. he looked like he was training for a marathon and had just stopped by to visit his granny for a moment. in the parlance of today’s gayspeak, he was a bear.

as he jogged past my desk, leaving a trail of eau savage in his wake, one of our male nurses made an appreciative clucking sound. “I LOVE a man in Gosford shorts”

“why do you call them Gosford shorts?” I asked.

“because they’re so close to The Entrance”

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Published in: on February 28, 2008 at 10:43 am  Comments (18)  

cutting edge

nursemyra likes toys. I also like collecting things such as corsets, gloves, stockings and boots, lighters, toothpick holders and books on grammar. I don’t actively search these out, it’s more fun to just stumble across them while doing other stuff.

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a friend of mine collects toothbrushes, so I found one at discreet-romance.com, and was about to forward the link when I noticed the beer boob.

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Beer Boobs is manufactured by Pipe Dreams. Pipe Dreams 30 Years of Pleasure Always on the Cutting Edge!

this gave me a brainwave. wouldn’t it be a fabulous thing if the female breast could produce a sustaining fluid other than milk?

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Published in: on February 24, 2008 at 6:51 am  Comments (27)  

friday’s maid part 1

I’ve still got plenty of corsets for the ongoing corset shots but felt like doing something a bit different today. I used to wear this outfit when washing the dishes for stephen

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part 2 next friday

Published in: on February 22, 2008 at 9:17 am  Comments (23)  

size queen (dear nursemyra part 2)

nursemyra often receives emails from readers who think she is qualified to dispense medical advice. when “anonymous” asked me this question, I thought I’d throw it open to my readers. daisyfae, fracas and upsetwaitress probably have as much expertise in these matters as nursemyra.

“do women secretly think penises are ugly?” well “anonymous”, I can’t speak for these women but the answer from nursemyra is a definite “No!”

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in order to provide a balanced view I consulted another professional who has done extensive research in this area to see what he had to say. while most of Ed’s site is devoted to the question of size, he does touch on penis aesthetics:

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Women say the looks are determined by the looks of the whole package:

  • the proportions, i.e. the size of the testicles versus the penis
  • the way it hangs when flaccid and stands when erect
  • the curve of the penis
  • the penis shape
  • the color, texture and evenness of the skin
  • the penis’ muscularity (veins)
  • the way the testicles are attached to the penis
  • the way the whole thing is attached to your body

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but what I find even more interesting is the discussion of female sizing and the bias against women whose pussy lips are too small.

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in nursemyra’s opinion, the female fruit is always delicious, but no one likes a mushy banana

Published in: on February 19, 2008 at 6:50 am  Comments (26)  

a young lusty man cures everything

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many of our patients are on multiple medications, sometimes it feels like we spend all day popping pills down their gullets. this got nursemyra to thinking about “cure alls” and how much time could be saved if one medication took care of everything. as late as 1908 apothocaries recommended dried human bodies for aches and pains.

A mummy’s virtues were innumerable. It was thought to cure, among other things, epilepsy, abscesses, rashes, fractures, paralysis, migraine, throat diseases, coughs, palpitations, stomach ailments, nausea, ulcers, liver disorders, hæmorrhage, bruises, and poisoning – and it even protected against the plague.

A classic recipe, given by Oswald Croll’s Basilica chymica in the early 17th century, begins:
“Take the fresh corpse of a redhaired, uninjured, unblemished man, 24 years old and killed no more than one day before, preferably by hanging, breaking on the wheel or impaling… Leave it one day and one night in the light of the sun and the moon, then cut into strips. Sprinkle on a little powder of myrrh to prevent it from being too bitter.
Steep in spirit of wine for several days. As the foulness of it causes an intolerable humidity in the stomach, it is a good idea to macerate the mummy with oil.

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 Nicolas Le Fevre gave a recipe for “mumiall balsam,” also using oil. First you make your basic mummy by cutting up the muscles of a “young lusty man’s body,” dipping them in spirit of wine, and hanging them in a dry place.

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Paracelsus described techniques for creating both corporeal mummy (made from real flesh) and several types of “spiritual” mummy, derived from other sources

“spiritual” mummy was downright earthy and was derived from substances such as sweat and fæces. A lump of excrement was dried in the air away from sunlight, to draw forth spiritual “rays” which exerted a creative power equivalent to that of sperm

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In a Persian recipe, a man is drowned at the age of 30 in a mixture of honey, drugs and herbs, after a short lifetime of being generously fed and looked after. The vessel is sealed for 150 years, and then the contents are dispensed as a cure for any illness.

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now that 50 is the new 30 I can think of worse ways to go than drowning in honey and drugs after a lifetime of being generously fed and looked after

Published in: on February 18, 2008 at 6:49 am  Comments (15)  

a is for alphitomancy

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lots of our patients complain about indigestion though nursemyra often eats the gimcrack’s food and suffers no ill effects. perhaps that’s because I avoid prawn vol au vents, pickled tongue, fricassed tripe and a few other suspect dishes. there are three choices at every meal so there’s a good chance of selecting something reasonably tasty nontoxic, especially if you go for the vegetarian option.

a conducive dining experience plays a part in how well a meal is digested. modern mechanix hypothises that noise may be responsible for indigestion and if this is true, they may have stumbled upon the cause of so much discontent in the gimcrack’s dining room.

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“din, uproar and racket had a marked ill effect”

well lord knows there’s plenty of racket at the gimcrack. farting, burping, slurping, spitting, hoiking, gargling – and that’s just the waiters. you wouldn’t want to know about the sounds the patients make. so it’s little wonder that indigestion is a problem.

luckily we have access to pharmaceutical aids which alleviate the symptoms because a popular item on the menu is barley and vegetable soup. 

Alphitomancy is derived from the Greek alphitomantis (‘divination using barley’), this is an ancient method of determining the guilt or innocence of a suspect person by feeding him or her a specially prepared wheat or barley loaf or cake. If the person suffers from indigestion this is interpreted as a sign of guilt.

if this method were in use today there would be appear to be a lot guilty people at the gimcrack. just as well we’re stocked up with pepto-bismal

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Published in: on February 17, 2008 at 7:59 am  Comments (12)  

nix nax’s knackers

when you’re wasting time doing legitimate research on the web, you come across the darndest things. like my new friend Nax*

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his orange nipple doesn’t bother me as it’s more than made up for in other departments

nax has many friends, but his favourite is andy because she’s so talented

ANDY can observe her home in the sky. And found it in the ngc2070 region. Androids not need close the other eye. They can look different things with each eye and seperate this in the electronic brain.

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I think I’m going to have to order three of these for the gimcrack. why three? because Nax comes in hetero and homo versions.

* daddyp I hope you’re proud of me. I could have chosen more intimate photos of Nax and his star gazing companion but I resisted. for the sake of your dicky ticker x

Published in: on February 16, 2008 at 8:38 am  Comments (19)  

another latex friday

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Published in: on February 15, 2008 at 8:59 am  Comments (25)  

the girl with colitis goes by *

nursemyra’s nickname is Dr. Know. I earned it because I know every nook and cranny of the gimcrack and can name all 126 patients and their various ailments. that’s only the tip of the iceberg. my brain is full of shit interesting stuff and if I’m asked a work related question am rarely lost for an answer.

though I was momentarily speechless today when a colleague said “I always come to you when I need something done. you’re such a suppository of information.”

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want to play a little game? leave ONE example of either a mondegreen or a malapropism in the comments section and the best one gets a fridge magnet from the australian national continence helpline (I know you want one)

* mondegreen

Published in: on February 13, 2008 at 6:57 am  Comments (35)  
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