friday’s maid part 2

the ring on my right hand was inherited from my grandmother.

the duster was stephen’s

don’t pluck it, f*c* it

this is probably too much of a “New South Wales, Australia” in-joke, but it had me on the floor laughing this afternoon. To explain, there is a city just an hour or so north of sydney called Gosford. it’s very close to an area called The Entrance.

remember those horrible short shorts that guys used to wear in the 80s? a visitor to the gimcrack was wearing a pair today. just the shorts, running shoes and a tight white singlet. he looked like he was training for a marathon and had just stopped by to visit his granny for a moment. in the parlance of today’s gayspeak, he was a bear.

as he jogged past my desk, leaving a trail of eau savage in his wake, one of our male nurses made an appreciative clucking sound. “I LOVE a man in Gosford shorts”

“why do you call them Gosford shorts?” I asked.

“because they’re so close to The Entrance”

 

would you like breast with your cereal?

nursemyra sees many unsightly things during the course of her working day, but Mrs. L’s breasts would be two of the worst. I had occasion to enter her room this morning only to find her propped up in bed sound asleep. on her lap was a breakfast tray with fruit, tea, toast and a bowl of cereal. the bowl also contained one of her breasts, caught in the act of freefall.

I backed out of the room very quietly and returned to my office to evaluate the medicinal brandy. it took several swigs before I could soldier on so we may need to doctor it up a little for the next emergency. in the meantime, it’s imperative that we haul those errant breastages back in so I’ve been scouring the net for a solution.

I’m not sure how effective these chestsavers would be, as the site specifies “Your breasts are separated Individually, NOT as a pair!”

Mrs. L’s have already stretched so far from their original position that they’re practically divorced rather than just separated.

For all of those women who may feel helpless when wearing low cut tops, dresses, or bathing suits due to those pesky chest and lower neck wrinkles, there is a solution!

neither nursemyra nor Mrs. L qualify as ‘helpless’ so I may have to continue looking further afield. other patents utilise a “device for preventing wrinkles in the area of the breasts of a human female comprising: a contoured one-piece member constructed of a rigid material”

applicants for the position of preventing breast wrinkles from marring nursemyra’s chest may be made via the comments.

the expulsion

CK is one of our most paranoid patients and it can get rather tiresome listening to her complaints. she accuses staff of painting over her watercolours, recording over her cassettes, writing in her diary and rearranging her underwear drawer. today she was insisting that I was tapping her phone

“what makes you think I’m tapping your phone?”

“both my gentlemen callers have heard your heavy breathing so don’t try to deny it”

well I can’t vouch for when I’m asleep but during waking hours nursemyra breathes very quietly and I feel vaguely insulted that two gentlemen are implying otherwise. still, there’s very little satisfaction to be had in arguing with a paranoid patient so I told CK to go to her room where I would ring her and she could listen to my breathing

Ring ring….. “hello?”

“CK, it’s nursemyra, I’m breathing. can you hear me?”

“let me listen to you inhale” she said.

I carry on breathing normally as CK concentrates. the silence at both ends of the phone is suddenly broken by the loudest fart I’ve heard this week. it seems to come in stereo as I hear it in the phone and also from CK’s open door down the hall.

“I think I heard something” says nursemyra. “but it didn’t sound like breathing.”

“yes, that would be one of my gentlemen callers trying to get through. you’d better hang up now, I don’t want to keep them waiting”

Telstra works in strange ways but I didn’t know they could expel gas from an old lady’s rectum. 

 

diversional therapy

the gimcrack employs a full time diversional therapist as well as two part timers. providing social activities for 126 crazy old inmates is hard work and we’re always open to new and innovative ways of keeping them occupied. some days bingo and knitting just isn’t enough.

someone suggested pottery might be a good idea so nursemyra has been researching the possibility on the internet. I got a little waylaid by this 

These one-of-a-kind kits will create an “identical twin” of yours or your lovers penis and scrotum or outer vaginal lips, using the same patented replication technology employed by special effects houses in Hollywood!

Make your own dildo kits include even the smallest anatomical details like veins and ridges in your flesh.

Clone A Willy & Pussy kits provide an accurate replica and only require 60 seconds as opposed to imitation kits which can require up to six minutes (important for men trying to hold an erection).

I guess when you’re talking about the kind of erections to be found at the gimcrack, then the 60 seconds required is a definite plus. personally I’d be very worried if a future Mr nursemyra couldn’t sustain his delight at meeting me for a great deal longer than six minutes.

cutting edge

nursemyra likes toys. I also like collecting things such as corsets, gloves, stockings and boots, lighters, toothpick holders and books on grammar. I don’t actively search these out, it’s more fun to just stumble across them while doing other stuff.

a friend of mine collects toothbrushes, so I found one at discreet-romance.com, and was about to forward the link when I noticed the beer boob.

Beer Boobs is manufactured by Pipe Dreams. Pipe Dreams 30 Years of Pleasure Always on the Cutting Edge!

this gave me a brainwave. wouldn’t it be a fabulous thing if the female breast could produce a sustaining fluid other than milk?

even nursemyra won’t go there

I mentioned a month or so ago that I once discovered, in a patient’s room, a magazine showing pictures of men having sex with animals. at the time I decided I wouldn’t blog about it as I didn’t think I could cope with doing background research.

but then I found these interesting artworks by yuji moriguchi and decided to look at just one article about zoophilia so long as it wasn’t too stomach churning. I’d also like to make it quite clear that the images shown have nothing to do with the text quoted from the article (below images)

You beginners should go online cos the internet is the greatest forum for zoos. If you insist on protecting your identity from being discriminated, use a pseudonym instead of your civil name.

But all the theoretical stuff is nothing comparing with you lover. Unfortunately, some of you are not allowed to keep an animal. To get one, look thru the World Wide Web or ask your friends. Of course, there are certain zoos like me who will never share their partners, however, you can count on those without this ethos.

Nonetheless, you best buy your favorite animal and build up a steady relationship to it. Although this may sound strange to you, took it serious cos caring for a creature implies love, responsibility and trust. After fulfilling these essential conditions, you are able to begin training your fellow for copulating with you.

ok, that’s enough of the animal sex. here’s another lovely image involving a snail. this one is the work of Franz Von Bayros

and in case the article left a bad taste in your mouth here’s a recipe for chocolate snails

we’re going to be making these at the gimcrack next week. especially for Miss B.

friday’s maid part 1

I’ve still got plenty of corsets for the ongoing corset shots but felt like doing something a bit different today. I used to wear this outfit when washing the dishes for stephen

part 2 next friday

menage a trois

working at the gimcrack gives nursemyra plenty of opportunities to observe unusual relationships. it’s not just the staff and the patients, the friends and relatives who visit our inmates also fall under my watchful eye.

one such visitor is Lady Bountiful. she is in a unique situation in that she was married to not just one of our patients, but two. AB has been living at the gimcrack for a couple of years now and LadyB visits him on a daily basis. it’s not unusual for ex spouses to do this, there are at least four other patients who have codependent enablers loving former wives still pandering to their whims.

as regular readers know, most of the gimcrackers live here permanently, but we also offer “respite” accommodation for those in need. still, it was a huge surprise when LadyB requested a respite bed for a second ex husband who was recovering from a stroke.

I didn’t have a spare single room but the dynamics of the situation had me intrigued. when offered a double room that is usually reserved for married couples, LadyB accepted, so her two ex paramours are now housed together which probably saves her several hours of travelling time per week.

nursemyra isn’t the only one a little mystified by this arrangement. while escorting maurice to exercise class, we walked past the double room, now renamed the ”bridal suite”.

my companion and I both stole a glance through the half closed door. maurice shook his head. “Threesomes just ain’t what they used to be.”

 

maid! bring me my elegant pills

a large number of our patients have dementia. it’s often more painful for the family, who are no longer recognised, than it is for the person whose short term memory has faded away. but there’s a certain delight to be had when you enter the world of someone who still thinks she’s a ravishing 20 year old beauty in the 1940s and insists on addressing you as the chambermaid.

click/enlarge to read the instructions

the diversional therapist and nursemyra have been working on a “reminiscing program”, similar to some of archie’s posts about Perth’s past.  today we were talking about old medicines and Mrs. B mentioned Dr. Morse’s Indian Root Pills which apparently were very popular here in australia at the turn of the century.

we also talked about old fashioned diet pills and this is what I stumbled upon while doing research for reminiscing

I don’t think Dr Gordon or Kurnow were as successful here since no one mentioned these treatments at our therapy session today. perhaps appealing to elegance and the shunning of violent exercise was a marketing mistake. but Dr. Morse had the right idea. aussies never say no to a root*

* Root (verb and noun) : synonym for f*ck in nearly all senses: “I feel rooted”; “this washing machine is rooted”; “(s)he’s a good root”. A useful word in polite company.