size queen (dear nursemyra part 2)

nursemyra often receives emails from readers who think she is qualified to dispense medical advice. when “anonymous” asked me this question, I thought I’d throw it open to my readers. daisyfae, fracas and upsetwaitress probably have as much expertise in these matters as nursemyra.

“do women secretly think penises are ugly?” well “anonymous”, I can’t speak for these women but the answer from nursemyra is a definite “No!”

in order to provide a balanced view I consulted another professional who has done extensive research in this area to see what he had to say. while most of Ed’s site is devoted to the question of size, he does touch on penis aesthetics:

Women say the looks are determined by the looks of the whole package:

• the proportions, i.e. the size of the testicles versus the penis
• the way it hangs when flaccid and stands when erect
• the curve of the penis
• the penis shape
• the color, texture and evenness of the skin
• the penis’ muscularity (veins)
• the way the testicles are attached to the penis
• the way the whole thing is attached to your body

but what I find even more interesting is the discussion of female sizing and the bias against women whose pussy lips are too small.

in nursemyra’s opinion, the female fruit is always delicious, but no one likes a mushy banana

a young lusty man cures everything

many of our patients are on multiple medications, sometimes it feels like we spend all day popping pills down their gullets. this got nursemyra to thinking about “cure alls” and how much time could be saved if one medication took care of everything. as late as 1908 apothocaries recommended dried human bodies for aches and pains.

A mummy’s virtues were innumerable. It was thought to cure, among other things, epilepsy, abscesses, rashes, fractures, paralysis, migraine, throat diseases, coughs, palpitations, stomach ailments, nausea, ulcers, liver disorders, hæmorrhage, bruises, and poisoning – and it even protected against the plague.

A classic recipe, given by Oswald Croll’s Basilica chymica in the early 17th century, begins:
“Take the fresh corpse of a redhaired, uninjured, unblemished man, 24 years old and killed no more than one day before, preferably by hanging, breaking on the wheel or impaling… Leave it one day and one night in the light of the sun and the moon, then cut into strips. Sprinkle on a little powder of myrrh to prevent it from being too bitter. Steep in spirit of wine for several days. As the foulness of it causes an intolerable humidity in the stomach, it is a good idea to macerate the mummy with oil.

 Nicolas Le Fevre gave a recipe for “mumiall balsam,” also using oil. First you make your basic mummy by cutting up the muscles of a “young lusty man’s body,” dipping them in spirit of wine, and hanging them in a dry place.

Paracelsus described techniques for creating both corporeal mummy (made from real flesh) and several types of “spiritual” mummy, derived from other sources

“spiritual” mummy was downright earthy and was derived from substances such as sweat and fæces. A lump of excrement was dried in the air away from sunlight, to draw forth spiritual “rays” which exerted a creative power equivalent to that of sperm

In a Persian recipe, a man is drowned at the age of 30 in a mixture of honey, drugs and herbs, after a short lifetime of being generously fed and looked after. The vessel is sealed for 150 years, and then the contents are dispensed as a cure for any illness.

now that 50 is the new 30 I can think of worse ways to go than drowning in honey and drugs after a lifetime of being generously fed and looked after

a is for alphitomancy

lots of our patients complain about indigestion though nursemyra often eats the gimcrack’s food and suffers no ill effects. perhaps that’s because I avoid prawn vol au vents, pickled tongue, fricassed tripe and a few other suspect dishes. there are three choices at every meal so there’s a good chance of selecting something reasonably tasty nontoxic, especially if you go for the vegetarian option.

a conducive dining experience plays a part in how well a meal is digested. modern mechanix hypothises that noise may be responsible for indigestion and if this is true, they may have stumbled upon the cause of so much discontent in the gimcrack’s dining room.

“din, uproar and racket had a marked ill effect”

well lord knows there’s plenty of racket at the gimcrack. farting, burping, slurping, spitting, hoiking, gargling – and that’s just the waiters. you wouldn’t want to know about the sounds the patients make. so it’s little wonder that indigestion is a problem.

luckily we have access to pharmaceutical aids which alleviate the symptoms because a popular item on the menu is barley and vegetable soup. 

Alphitomancy is derived from the Greek alphitomantis (‘divination using barley’), this is an ancient method of determining the guilt or innocence of a suspect person by feeding him or her a specially prepared wheat or barley loaf or cake. If the person suffers from indigestion this is interpreted as a sign of guilt.

if this method were in use today there would be appear to be a lot guilty people at the gimcrack. just as well we’re stocked up with pepto-bismal

nix nax’s knackers

when you’re wasting time doing legitimate research on the web, you come across the darndest things. like my new friend Nax*

his orange nipple doesn’t bother me as it’s more than made up for in other departments

nax has many friends, but his favourite is andy because she’s so talented

ANDY can observe her home in the sky. And found it in the ngc2070 region. Androids not need close the other eye. They can look different things with each eye and seperate this in the electronic brain.

I think I’m going to have to order three of these for the gimcrack. why three? because Nax comes in hetero and homo versions.

* daddyp I hope you’re proud of me. I could have chosen more intimate photos of Nax and his star gazing companion but I resisted. for the sake of your dicky ticker x

another latex friday

chocolate moose or mundungus?

 click image to read about the flavours

some days the gimcrack seems like it’s drowning in shit. we’re home to a lot of incompetent sphincters that are just not doing their job. the aroma of faeces wafting past my desk was particularly bad today. Harry was nowhere in sight so I took a little walk around the front lounge and noticed not one but TWO of the chairs were sporting new ornaments.

luckily it’s not my job to clean it up but it got me thinking that since we have access to so much of the stuff, maybe there’s a way of turning it into money.  it appears I’m not the only one whose mind wanders down this track….

http://www.shitsenders.com/ 

you can send cow dung, elephant shit or the gorilla googlies which cost a whopping $23.95 a gallon. I’ve looked at the pictures and gorilla googlies have the closest resemblance to the human variety we stock at the gimcrack. I’d be prepared to onsell to shitsenders at a very reasonable price and with the added advantage of extremely prompt delivery, especially during gastroenteritis outbreaks.

or perhaps I could also look into some interesting smoking alternatives……..

there’s been a serious study done about the disgust response to chocolate disguised as faeces

Abstract

Faeces-shaped chocolate fudge has been shown to evoke a significant disgust reaction

and what a surprising answer that was! Im not sure if anyone’s done a study with a slightly different hypothosis but I’d like to participate in a clinical trial measuring reactions to chocolate disguised as penises.

the girl with colitis goes by *

nursemyra’s nickname is Dr. Know. I earned it because I know every nook and cranny of the gimcrack and can name all 126 patients and their various ailments. that’s only the tip of the iceberg. my brain is full of shit interesting stuff and if I’m asked a work related question am rarely lost for an answer.

though I was momentarily speechless today when a colleague said “I always come to you when I need something done. you’re such a suppository of information.”

want to play a little game? leave ONE example of either a mondegreen or a malapropism in the comments section and the best one gets a fridge magnet from the australian national continence helpline (I know you want one)

* mondegreen

thyroid thatch

nursemyra has an assistant whose job it is to direct visitors, field enquiries and keep smelly leaky patients from pissing me off interrupting my important work. lately she’s been experiencing some health problems of her own, resulting in a trip to the doctor and several tests.

her symptoms were hair loss, hoarse voice, feeling cold and lacking energy which could have been caused by many things but it turned out to be hypothyroidism. she’ll have to take meds on a daily basis but otherwise things will be fine.

if she’d presented with these symptoms 120 years ago she may have tried Dr. Scott’s electric treatment. for hair loss there was an electric brush, an electric belt for voice loss and insoles for cold feet

but all these treatments are quite benign when compared to electrified tooth care

“M. Francis (of Philadelphia) has announced that Faradization of teeth renders their extraction infinitely less painful, after assessing the results of a large number of trials of this method of anesthesia. A dentist of Geneva recommends attaching the dental key or forceps to the negative lead of a medical induction coil, while the patient holds the positive electrode in his hand. The tooth should be extracted immediately after the application of the electrified forceps.”

thankfully thyroxine will soon restore my assistant’s luscious locks. which is just as well because I’d hate to see her with cum in her hair wouldn’t you?

30 day trial offer

regular readers know I am always on the lookout for ways to improve the sexual health of my patients. jesus has helped in the past and now through the auspices of liberated christians incredible orgasms are just a click away

the Sybian was invented by David Lampert

David is a perfectionist and likes to solve problems – often awakening at 3AM with a solution to a problem.

The female will learn how to have better and bigger orgasms. She will literally explode.

hopefully they mean figuratively. we have enough mess to clean up at the gimcrack as it is

Liberated Christians believes everyone should have a Sybian available and experience the sexual euphoria that God designed women to enjoy. The regular retail price of Sybian is $1,395. Liberated Christians offers it for “only” $1,345.

You can try Sybian for a full 45 days and if not completely sold on its value, return it for only a $125 reconditioning fee.

yes it is expensive but you can just HIRE one for a trial period. I’ll need to write a convincing proposal before head office will hand over the funds but I think it’d be worth it. hell, they’re so good people even steal them

NOTICE OF STOLEN SYBIAN on 731/03  WITH A SERIAL NUMBER (on the bottom) 8477
If you buy a used Sybian check the serial number – It has been stolen and wants to come home. So sad we have such creeps around  – If found contact dave@davephx.com

the other thing we need at the moment is a projection screen because a lot of staff lectures we attend use powerpoint presentations. so what’s the verdict readers, projection equipment for the staff or a sybian for the patients?

 

 

rhett butler’s doppelganger is a granny

nursemyra would like to remind all her readers to ensure they are getting their daily dose of calcium rich foods. one of my favourite patients broke her hip on Friday, an all too common occurence in elderly people whose bones have become osteoporotic and brittle.

she had just stood up as the church service finished, then lost her balance and fell to the floor knocking both arms against her walker as she fell. a young person doing the same thing would probably not sustain an injury, but ageing skin tears easily so seconds later she was bruised, bloody and broken.

I usually don’t blog about the sad or serious stuff that happens at the gimcrack but some  patients are like family and Blythe is one of those.

still, there’s an element of lightness to this tale. the chaplain stayed by her side as Blythe’s skin tears were bandaged and she was made comfortable on the floor until the ambulance officers arrived with their party drugs analgesics and groovy transportation device.

it was he who witnessed and reported the following conversation when Mrs M stepped forward as Blythe’s hit instant pain annihilator took effect and whispered ”darling, your dress is pulled up, you’re showing a bit of leg” to which my favourite granny replied “frankly my dear I don’t give a damn”.

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*** what’s a nursemyra tutorial without a reference to sex? image sourced here