poxy competition
back in 1497 they had funny ideas about how to treat syphilis. one of the first signs that a person had caught this disease was the appearance of an ulcer on the genitals. Bishop Gaspare Torrella recommended that these pustules “be sucked by some person of low condition”. after the poison was drawn, the penis was washed and wrapped around with a live flayed chicken, pigeon or frog.
foul tasting and dangerous panaceas containing mercury were also popular. it came in many forms, often as an ointment and anti venereal underpants, coated with mercury, became available in 17th century Italy. condoms were in vogue, not to prevent pregnancy but to escape a dose of the pox. here’s a recipe from 1824 for a sheep gut condom
Soak a sheep’s intestine caeca in water for a number of hours, then turn inside out, and macerate them again in weak alkaline, changed every 12 hours. Scrape them carefully to remove the mucous membrane, leaving the peritoneal and muscular coats, and expose them to the vapour of burning brimstone. Then wash them in soap and water, inflate them, dry them and cut to a length of seven to eight inches. Finally, border the open end with a ribbon to tie round the base of the penis, and before use soak the condom in water to make it supple.
modern condoms are made of a much thinner material than sheep gut. advertising agencies go to great lengths to promote them as a pleasure and performance enhancing fashion accessory and nursemyra also advocates the use of condoms as an important part of healthy sexual practices. some time ago I ran a little competition for the best mondegreen or malapropism, now I think it’s time for another competition.
leave a limerick or a joke about condoms in the comments and the best three will get a prize. I can’t guarantee it will be as exciting as the “Continence Helpline Fridge Magnet” that kyknoord won last time but it will be hand picked by your very own nurse…..
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That is mean - there are very few rhymes for “Condom” so I used a “hanging” syllable aftger the “Con” part. Enough technicalities - - -
My sex life has soared like a condor
With girls lining up at my condos
There’s only one rule
Because I’m no fool
I tell them to bring their own condoms!
brilliant archie, you’re definitely in the running
My turn!!!!! *ahem* *cough*
If in the mood always use rubber
Good quality of course, not flubber
If you haven’t got one
To avoid that darned bun
In the oven, then better just rub ‘er
I see it’s going to be a fierce competition
I try to avoid anyone of “low condition” sucking on me. I also gave up my mercury bloomers in favor of cotton Calvin Klein boxer briefs… The mercury chafes me.
I try to avoid anyone of “low condition” sucking on me. I also gave up my mercury bloomers in favor of cotton Calvin Klein boxer briefs… The mercury chafes me.
What do you call a corduroy contraceptive? A groovy kinda love!
What do you call a Russian contraceptive? A little red riding hood.
And an orginal:
In rain, sun and all kinds of weather
Our dolce likes her men in black leather
Or nothing at all
(in the spring or the fall)
but a condom and a chrome studded teather
or
don’t think about showing your cock
to our lass in the red coloured frock
she’ll cut off your todger
you dirty old codger
for thinking about sex without sock
or
Our Dolce could warble all day
about the joys of wild and wet play
but only, of course
with a raincoat on source
a *must* for a roll in the hay
I could go on, but work beckons *sigh*
I’ll leave you with condom Naaiku (in SA, we call a shag a “naai”. And of course, the japanese artform of haiku is delicious)
mouth and finger tips
slowly roll down the latex
rubberized foreplay
I’m not worth of these competitors, but here goes:
If your man becomes a gloomy gus,
When given a condom does cuss,
He should not be a toad
When launching that load,
To prevent his dong squirting…
No. I can’t finish it… May try again later when I’m more awake…
I can’t limerick worth a damn, so i’ll ask a question instead.
Wasn’t one cure, like, late in the 19th century, to dip the affected penis into the vagina of a virgin? The belief was something to do with the belief that a clean, unaffected feminine pudendal grip would somehow cleanse the pox away.
There’s all these stories of young virgins being sold into prostitution, and the sinister suggestion that gentlemen would pay highly for the right to access them first. The assumption was that the breaking of the hymen had some sort of fetishist power. It turns out, though, that the high price was more for the medicinal value of the unvented vag.
Sadly, this meant that the young lass had the occupational distinction of carrying some dread venereal disease from day one.
It was probably best to be a non-virgin, when becoming a prostitute in Victorian London.
Let’s all remember that, next time there’s some sort of time accident in Engineering, ok?
Before a wise man humps
He securely covers his stump
With sheep goo or rubber
It’s good for his lover
If neither wants a case of the bumps
Gullybogan (not a Ferntree gully, by chance?)
sadly, in South Africa, a lot of superstitious shite still lurks about. Including a lot of terrifying stuff about sex with a virgin curing AIDS. Which has resulted in a lot of rape, particularly of young girls, even children and babies. The horror in the uneducated corners of the world still persists.
there’s some stiff competition for a nursemyra prize. unlike my previous competition you can enter as many times as you like - jokes as well as limericks…..
I expect to see a few more entries when I get home tonight so put on your thinking rubbers people
my sex life ain’t what it oughtta
it is the fact I have a teenage daughta
I know when I do
they will be random and few
But condoms are definitely on orda
boom boom
ha ha you’re definitely in the running!
lol
When your member is swollen and fir-m
A condom will help stop the ger-m
But since latex is thin
Before you begin
You’d be wise to ease off on the SPUR-M
The ladies are now crying “Hubba!”
When hubby now puts on his rubber.
Much better is sex
Since boring latex
Has been upgraded to flubber*
“You can’t put that in without wrapping”
She said as his member was tapping
But without tool shrink-wrap
His blue balls took a nap
Til he spanked while she thought he was …
oh, rats. can’t finish this one either. really need sleep.
df, the word you needed was “napping”!
Now hot daisyfae is asleep
I’ll just have a lewd little peep
I’ll lift up the covers
Like I’ve done with others -
But condomless I’ll only weep!
there’s some stiff competition for a nursemyra prize.
Hahahaha. Pun intended? (I’m sure ’twas.)
Bishop Gaspare Torrella recommended that these pustules “be sucked by some person of low condition”.
…and when the good Bishop farted, said “low person” muttered, “Please sir, don’t make my job disgusting!”
No limericks here - don’t have that creative bent for witty words.
My, but we are talented bunch of very twisted people. I don’t envy Nurse Myra having to judge this contest.
The fridge magnet was a wonderful prize. I honestly don’t know how you’re going to top that.
There are myriad forms of disease
You can catch with the greatest of ease
But rubberised socks
Will stave off the pox
And also prevent the baybeez
A clever inventor from Crewe
made a condom that varied its hue
It turned Green up a fanny,
went red up a trannie
and up a lad’s bottom went blue
A really mean fellow named stu
patched up an old condom with glue
While having a fuck
his willie got stuck
and he thought “Darn, I should have brought new”
Oh sweet mother of shiva. Why hasn’t someone told me about this blog sooner? I feel soooooo cheated.
I should be working on my business but I’m sitting here thinking up rhymes involving johnies instead. Curse you Nurse Myra!
jeepers creepers, annie is right, how the hell to pick a winner with all these great entries. at least the king of limericks, Ian from Letters Home, is away in Paris so I don’t have to contend with several from him as well.
Ist prize: Dolce
2nd prize: Xoggoth
3rd prize: Archie
so quick guys - before I change my mind and award the prizes to daddyp or anaglyph - send your snail mail addresses to me at the email below and I’ll post you something suitably gimcracked
thanks everyone for joining in the fun xx
ooops
rocky@geko.net.au
Oh man, the contest is over?
Had a good laugh with the entries. Congratulations to the winners.
sorry lizza, I had to put an end to it because I was getting too many fantastic entries. the choice was hard enough as it was…..
Dolce is a very deserving winner - hurrah
GREAT entries, and a difficult choice, but all clearly deserving winners!
archie - the word would have been “crapping”. and i’d be nice enough to let you touch, even without wrapping
Can I suggest that those who enjoy reading and composing limericks should look into the newsgroup alt.jokes.limericks where there are a number of evil-minded practitioners of the art.
*big grin*
hopwfully you’ll grin even more when your prize arrives
[...] post info By Dolce Categories: *grin* Tags: Alex Lloyd, dorks, DW, fuzzy bits, gorgeous, Nurse Myra, prizes, pussy Aaah. So how apt is it, that just as I’m preparing* for my first DW in a long, loooooooong time, I receive my prizes from Nurse Myra for her much fun limerick competition. [...]