women should be seeded not heard

Aristotle tells us that homosexuality was an effective population control device and quotes the ancient persian proverb “A boy for pleasure; a woman for children”. women were often viewed as merely “functional” though an old Athenian law gave a wife the legal right to expect her husband to perform at least three times a month. Jordanian law was slightly less civilised, enforcing intercourse only once every four months.

image by van maele

having children was rewarded in Sparta. a man there was exempt from military duty as soon as he had sired three sons, and ceased paying taxes if he produced a fourth. the egyptians were more interested in ways of having fewer children and to this end suggested “attaching a spider’s egg containing two worms” to the body to prevent conception. together with a deerskin. before sunrise. it might sound like a lot of trouble but perhaps it was worth it as this method was supposed to work for a year.

The Classic of the Immortals urged men to conserve their sperm. “when, during the sexual act, the man feels he is about to ejaculate, he must quickly and firmly press with fore and middle finger on the left hand the spot between scrotum and anus, simutaneously inhaling deeply and gnashing his teeth scores of times, without holding his breath. In spring, man can allow himself to emit semen once every three days, in summer and autumn twice a month and in winter not at all.”

and from the Classic of Obstetrics:

A child conceived during daytime will be given to vomiting. 

A child conceived at midnight will be either deaf, mute or blind

A child conceived during a solar eclipse will be burned or wounded

A child conceived during thunder and lightning will develop mental troubles

A child conceived during a lunar eclipse will be persecuted by an ill fate and so will its mother

A child conceived when there is a rainbow in the sky will be exposed to ill fortune

A child conceived during solstice will bring harm to its parents

A child conceived during intoxication will suffer from epilepsy, boils and ulcers

There are also warnings about how to recognise a woman unsuitable for sexual intercourse:

this image from sydney’s mardi gras is by dominic gili

“dishevelled hair and coarse face, elongated neck and a protruding adam’s apple, irregular teeth and manly voice, a large mouth and long nose, eyes which are bloodshot or yellowish, hair on upper lips or cheeks, large and protruding bones, long stiff pubic hair and women over 40 are all to be avoided”

Published in: on July 29, 2008 at 8:30 am  Comments (27)  

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27 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m surprised there isn’t a worldwide epidemic of epilepsy, boils and ulcers.

  2. there’s an epidemic of those things at the gimcrack

  3. There couldn’t have been many women over 40 with thighs like yours when that was written.

  4. what is it with the damn spiders all the sudden? what happens to a child conceived after the mother has just splattered a giant arachnid on the ceiling?

  5. I guess I should just be glad then that the warning hasn’t been circulated to mass media in more modern times, or I’d probably miss out altogether.

  6. wow, so many rules.

  7. large and protruding bones

    Um…

    Yeah. Gotta avoid those ones? Or GET THEM TO HOSPITAL.

    I’m suspecting too, that i would have failed as a spartan wife. In so many, many ways.

  8. Oh dear I think Pumpkin is a boy.

  9. Ah, those were the days – when a cat a might – but a pussy wouldn’t!

  10. A child conceived during a Jerry Springer show is destined to live in a trailer home.

  11. That boy for pleasure thing, I blame women. There would be far fewer gay blokes if women were not so mean with their botty parts. Botty sex is the cure for absolutely everything, why will the wife never believe me?

  12. Van Maële (of the blown-up phallus) was Belgian. His work is comic and a welcome refresher after the seriousness of that other Belgian maudit, Rops, in whose shadow Maële will always be.

    J

  13. women should be seeded not heard

    great title!

  14. I’m certainly happy I wasn’t growing up in ancient Persia.

    Isn’t a woman with a protuding adam’s apple a dude?

    Obviously those rules were written by some guy who has never had sex with a woman over 40. However, if men want to avoid women over 40, I volunteer to pick up the slack.

  15. Uncle Keith stop making me giggle ……..

  16. There was at one time a book called “Sex After Sixty.” But according to Elder News at Timegoesby.net, the new thing is sexuality classes for octogenarians. God, I hope so.

    I couldn’t get any sound with the video but i clicked through the link, it’s a very good site

  17. Phew I checked, thank god, I can now report that Pumpkin is a girl. Just over forty.

  18. WHAT?? NO MORE SEX??????? I am distraught …….phew just re read it is an ‘and’… 1 out of 13 ain’t bad ;-)

  19. Thanks ever so much for that second picture. Lovely nightmare fodder, that…

    And sex over 40 just gets better, youngsters. :-)

  20. Looking for a woman who enjoys Athenian rules when it comes to copulation… that would look good on a dating profile.

  21. Oh I’ve gnashed my teeth scores of time as well! Who knew it was a form of birth control?

  22. “Woman should be obscene and not heard.”

    So what happens when a child is conceived during the day at a solstice in a thunder storm while drunk with a rainbow hiding the solar eclipse?… wait… i think i married that one…

  23. Avoid the ladies over forty… not a fucking chance they are the best ones. Reminds me of that bloodhound gang lyric… though it might be as funny as I think it is.

  24. @alex – Bloodhound Gang? As in “the lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying” Bloodhound Gang? Brilliant!

  25. Daisyfae- yes that bloodhound bang but not that song, same album though. The lyric I was thinking of was,

    “Women are like dog doo, hear me through dont interupt,
    Its just the older that they are, the easier they get to pickup…”

    So yeah… I bet not many of you have been likened to white dog poo before.

  26. I watched a show recently that said there was a herb (think it was ancient Rome, but will have to check) that was so effective as a method of birth control that it is now extinct!

  27. yes, I’m pretty sure that was mentioned in “Immaculate Contraception” too, but I’ve already returned it to the library :-(


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