when I am an old lady I shall wear purple

ok it’s t-shirt friday – no word yet on who’s playing along. Stephen bought me this t-shirt in New York. it’s also what I was wearing while holding him when he died. my son’s then-boyfriend had packed a little bag for me while I was living in at the hospice and this was in it. first time I’ve worn it since and I’ll probably exchange it in a minute for something cooler as it’s 35 degrees in sydney today. so stephen this one’s for you. as you once wrote to me…. “love you, miss you, just want to kiss you”

I hope everyone I mentioned last week is posting their photographs soon and I’ve heard rumours that there will be at least one new entrant…… c’mon people the nurse is waiting :-)

first cab off the rank : Dolce

now Sylvie’s is up too plus Silverstar’s and Daisyfae’s

it’s saturday morning now for me but presumably still friday in other parts of the world. 70s has posted hers and so has Miss…..

Published in:  on October 31, 2008 at 7:28 am Comments (35)

hump this

we’re back to the perfumed garden for advice on a delicate matter

In the case of the man being obese and the woman being thin, the best course is to let the woman take the active part. To this end, the man lies down on his back with his thighs close together, and the woman lowers herself upon his member, If she knows how to move, she can rise and sink upon it; if she is not adroit enough, the man imparts a movement to her buttocks by the play of one of his thighs behind them. But if the man assumes this position, it may sometimes become prejudicial to him, inasmuch as some of the female sperm may penetrate into his urethra, and grave malady may ensue.

I will now speak to you of sex with those who are little, in consequence of being humpbacked.

First, there is the man who is crookbacked, but whose spine and neck are straight. For him it is most convenient to unite himself with a little woman. Placing himself behind her posterior, he thus introduces his member into her vulva. If the woman be afflicted with a hump and the man is straight, the same position is suitable. In the case of a man whose malformation affects only his neck, he can take any position he likes for doing the business. If the woman is lying on her back, he will appear in action as if he were butting at her like a ram. The most convenient position for them will be that the woman should stoop down, and he attack her from behind. If a little woman is lying on her back, with a humpbacked man upon her belly, he will look like the cover over a vase.

It is said that there are women of great experience who, lying with a man, elevate one of their feet vertically in the air, and upon that foot a lamp is set full of oil, and with the wick burning. While the man is ramming them, they keep the lamp steady and burning, and the oil is not spilled. Their coition is in no way impeded by this exhibition, but it must require great previous practice on the part of both.

Published in:  on October 30, 2008 at 6:58 am Comments (21)

hey shortarse

the people at demandby.com promise to make you taller without popping pills or worrying about side effects. all you have to do is slip one of their reflexology insoles inside your shoe

Kimi Height Increaser can enhance the thickening of the cartillage at the knee joint areas so that you may grow taller and have height increase. Thus the application of KIMI™ helps you lose fat, gain muscles, grow bigger, stronger, and taller all at the same time

these people make elevator shoes or “height enhancing footwear”. and they say that Kimi and her sister product Yoko are both scams. false claims in advertising are nothing new. but would you buy a product from someone called Dr Minges? or is it only in australia that minge means pussy?

some people still believe you can achieve more height by stretching exercises but there is no proof of this, no matter what method is used

for the vertically challenged, there are sites that give advice on sexual positions when one partner is short and the other tall.

Spoon position
Straight Version: While you’re lying behind her, you can slip your penis inside her and enjoy a soft, smooth motion of penetration while her back’s to you. Your body doesn’t have to be pressed up against hers; you can opt to form yourselves in a Y position instead.

Gay Version: Both partners lying on their sides means you can focus on the sensations of a gliding penetration without distraction. To avoid hot breath on the back if the top is significantly shorter, you can opt to form a Y position.

I’m impressed with the writer’s political correctness, especially as he says his 12 year marriage provided the inspiration for this article….. guess his wife’s hot breath on his back was not a problem……

 

Published in:  on October 29, 2008 at 8:14 am Comments (28)

put a frog on your frog

the cantharidin in the pretty green spanish fly has been used for medicinal and erotic purposes for centuries. fortunately, with the development of viagra, men are less inclined to experiment with these and other dangerous compounds.

back in 1861, a doctor making rounds in a field hospital “discovered several French Legionnaires with a most peculiar complaint: ‘Erections douloureuses et prolongues’ – known more technically as priapism. Vezien suspected the soldiers had been taking something they should not have – cantharidin, an insect toxin better known as the aphrodisiac Spanish fly .

the unfortunate soldiers had merely been eating the local frog’s legs, but these frogs had been dining on meloid beetles and the toxins passed on through the food chain. more recently a biologist at Cornell conducted experiments with beetle fed frogs to see if they retained their appeal as food to other animals.

“Eisner offered 16 cantharidin-fed frogs to 4 broad-banded water snakes. The snakes ate all but one ‘without undue delay, as is usually the case’, Eisner reports. How about leeches? Would they feed from an affected frog? To keep the frogs from eating the leeches that he briefly attached to their hind legs, Eisner designed a unique restraint. He cut off the receptacle end of a condom and slipped it over each frog’s front legs and torso. The leeches seemed no worse for wear after feeding on frogs’ legs.

in another example of humans being affected by food their food has eaten, Paul Devereux has this to say

The reindeer of these remote wastes have a hankering for Amanita muscaria (fly agaric or magic mushrooms). When they eat it they become stupefied and stagger around. If a reindeer is killed at this point, the meat will pass on the intoxicating effects devoured by the animal — but this is merely one part of a strange menage a trois involving human beings, reindeer and the mushroom itself. When they dine on certain mosses and lichen, reindeer also develop an insatiable passion for urine, their own and that of humans.

The Koryak, and doubtless other tribes, made use of this strange fact by carrying sealskin containers they called “the reindeer’s night-chamber,” in which they collected their urine. This was used to attract reindeer who were proving difficult to gather into the herd. But there was another value in human urine: the active constituents in Amanita muscaria remain intact even when passed through a person’s bladder. “The Koryaks know this by experience, and the urine of persons intoxicated with fly-agaric is not wasted. The drinker himself drinks it to prolong the state of hallucination, or offers it to others as a treat

Richard Rugley quotes from the encyclopaedia of psychoactive substances. the article is very interesting and quite long so I’ve reproduced a couple of sentences from it to whet your appetite to read more

“Holy men in India are reported to smoke cobra venom for its psychoactive effects. Both the king cobra and common cobra are used in this way; their dried venom glands or crystallized venom is often mixed with cannabis when smoked. In Russia it was apparently a custom that if a cat ate mukhomor (the fly-agaric mushroom) it was given the hemp or cannabis plant to sober it up”

Published in:  on October 28, 2008 at 7:10 am Comments (24)

corset comparison

regular readers know nursemyra has a large collection of corsets. recently I conducted a search to see what else is out there in the world of corsetry and I discovered the Little Tailor. the site has some great images but the translation leaves a lot to be desired

“Model statement: there is a wave pattern of tights which claims to have a massage effect of fat push in order to allow the meat to squeeze in more than a lap to the waist but the figure can see completely useless. the only normal waist, he did not have any so called magic to do it.

In the 16th century corsets were made of iron or brass. they were beautifully intricate but must have been hell to wear. both sexes wore them for orthopedic support as well as for body shape manipulation

Mary Rouncefield makes amazing corset art. here are two of her metal creations

the freakiest corset wearer is this 70 year old pensioner who is in the guinness book of records for having the smallest waist. my corset photography days will be put to rest long before I reach her age.

what I want most to add to my collection is the mario brothers corset or this particularly lovely one at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

for extreme corsets of a totally different kind, check out Paddy Hartley’s face corsets. they make for confronting viewing but it’s art for a good cause…..

Published in:  on October 27, 2008 at 8:06 am Comments (21)

no shitting in the bed

too many of my gimcrack posts are about piss and shit because we see a lot of that stuff pouring from our patients. at work we usually refer to such by-products as faeces and urine but yesterday we had a temp agency RN for whom english is a second language. it still took me aback to hear her ask 97 year old Mildred “did you do poo poo today?” though her answer of “yes, I shat the bed” was less unexpected.

regular readers know our patients like to throw their shit around and not always metaphorically. presumably none of them have brahmin heritage, or if they do, they’ll never reach nirvana because they don’t obey any of these rules

  • Before going for defecation it was prescribed that the sacred thread should be rolled to a smaller size and be put on the right ear.
  • The head was to be covered with a cloth. In the absence of cloth, the sacred thread was to be brought over the head and was to be hung on the left ear.
  • Then while observing silence and facing north in the day and south in the night one could defecate.
  • After defecation the “Linga” (generative organ) is to be washed once, “Guda” (anus) to be washed three times, the left hand to be washed ten times, and the right hand seven times, and both the feet to be cleaned with earth and water three times.
  • After defecation the water pot was to be held in the right hand and was to be used for cleaning.
  • The “Linga” was to be rubbed once with earth and the “Guda” rubbed three times with earth. Then both washed with water. This was to ensure that there is no odour left in the body.
  • After this one should pick up water with right hand. One was advised to pick-up fist full of earth. This was to be divided in three parts. With the first part it was laid down that the left hand be cleaned 10 times and the right was to be cleaned with the second part 7 times. The third part was to be used to clean three times the water utensil.
  • while looking for images to go with this post I found an advertisement in the personals that I am horribly afraid was written by one of our patients……

    though the two quadraplagic patients we have are both under 70. perhaps I should try leaving a couple of used continence pads in their bedside lockers. it’s a lot easier to attach a urodome to a patient when he has an erection. and they don’t tell you that in nursing school…..

    Published in:  on October 26, 2008 at 8:18 am Comments (22)

    friday babydoll, no corsetry

     don’t forget next friday is T-Shirt Friday. Past participants have been 70s, daisyfae, dolce, surftwin, silverstar and anniegirl…… lizza and sylvied could probably be persuaded to join in too. if I’ve missed any participants out please remind me and I’ll add the links.

    Published in:  on October 24, 2008 at 8:54 am Comments (31)

    psychic phenomena and passiona surprise

    our lovely diversional therapist runs tai chi classes at the gimcrack. they haven’t exactly been a runaway success given that the third class ended prematurely with several patients on the floor after carrying the tiger too enthusiastically up the mountain.

    it was suggested that Qi Gong might be easier to master but it seems there are possible side effects….

    Physiological effects include changes in skin potential and fingertip volume. Patients experience warmness, chilliness, itching sensation in the skin, numbness, soreness, bloatedness, relaxation, tenseness, floating, dropping, a sensation of rising to the sky, falling off, standing upside down, playing on the swing following respiration, electric shock and formication.

    initially I read that last word as fornication but sadly that is NOT one of the side effects, even if you suffer from Qi Gong Deviation Sydnrome 

    “many interesting psychic phenomena may be derived from: Qi being “stolen” – for instance, an elderly woman was furious when the instructor removed her Qi and gave it to another exerciser. She gave the exerciser a box on the ear and told him to return her Qi immediately.”

    well we can’t really afford to encourage more ear boxing at the gimcrack after the disaster with the Wii demostration last week followed by the fiasco when the DT took a busload of patients to the Head Office kitchens to see how our food is prepared every day. it’s usually looked upon as a treat, the patients get to glove up and dress in disposable food preparation smocks and a tour guide hands out free samples of cookies and finger food.

    the problem was that Duc was one of the tripees and she gets a little carried away when there’s free food and drink. remember the xmas picnic last year? so after chugging down 6 jugs of Passiona Surprise she needed a toilet and the DT pointed her in the direction of the nearest “Ladies”. unfortunately another tripee objected to Duc using the female toilets. an unseemly shouting match and scuffle ensued. it wasn’t pretty

    it’s such a pity that Duc doesn’t look remotely like a woman. the best we can do is help her choose clothes and remind her not to sit with her legs apart. I don’t think there’s a Vagina Vee String big enough to fit around her manly bits and I certainly don’t think she’d ever wear one of these

    Note: This mask does not include eyes or eyelashes. You have to use your own.

    Published in:  on October 23, 2008 at 7:47 am Comments (17)

    hand me my guessing tube* Mr Throckmorton

    every industry or workplace has its own language and slang terms. at the gimcrack we use acronyms like BMT** so as not to embarrass a female patient with faecal incontinence who is in need of a very thorough wash.

    then there are some affectionate terms like “house red” for blood or “bordeaux” for blood in the urine and one of my favourites, “chocolate hostage” for the constantly constipated. we also use DILF but only occasionally as there aren’t that many attractive doctors practising geriatric psychiatry.

    thanks to Archie for showing me this chocolate kamasutra page

    but my favourite piece of medical slang relates to the Throckmorton Sign which is the supposition that on an abdominal or hip xray, the penis will point to the site of the injury.

    * a guessing tube is, if you haven’t already guessed it, a stethoscope

    ** a BMT is a bowel movement taco. yes, I know it’s gross. that’s why we use the acronym

    Published in:  on October 22, 2008 at 8:06 am Comments (20)

    gee whizz

    we love unusual words at the gimcrack. gossypiboma is the word used to describe a surgical sponge accidently left behind in a patient’s body. yes, it happens so frequently there is a name for it. if you’re overweight your chances of ending up with a gossypiboma after an operation are significantly higher. talk about adding insult to injury.

    another favourite word beginning with “g” is gomphiasis which is the technical term for having loose teeth.

    nursemyra likes made up words too. like ‘grogambulate‘. this means to walk with special attention paid to your posture and carriage whilst very very drunk.

    I think it’s time for another gimcrack competition. First prize is an Australia-shaped stress ball (except it’s not a ball obviously) and a copy of “Sex in the Future” by my favourite science writer Robin Baker. Runners up will probably get cds again and maybe australia-shaped postit notes. the task this month is to submit an interesting word beginning with the letter “G”. It can be real or made up – just so long as it qualifies as a grandiloquism.

    Published in:  on October 21, 2008 at 7:08 am Comments (31)