everyone wants a slice of the pi

strongfortism

One of my favourite food groups is shiraz. But my body only allows me two glasses a day because I’m one of those people who get drunk on very little alcohol. Three glasses and I’d be falling off my walker and spraying urine round the room like the patients I lock in the cellar lovingly care for. 

so how come other people can down a couple of bottles and still be standing? Is it because they’re bigger than me or more experienced at grog swilling?

L0005221 The Life of John Hunter: male Persian dwarf.

Michael Deakin thinks it’s because our bodies contain two types of tissus – those that absorb alcohol and those that don’t. Neither fat nor bone will absorb alcohol so much depends on the total weight of the remaining tissue.  This “reduced weight” can be difficult to calculate but if you’re a 70 kilo man perhaps 48 of those kilos will absorb what you’re drinking. As a slim woman I might only have 25 kilos working for me. 

Have a look at the guide below to see what your healthy weight should be.

Metric Measurement
Height Without Shoes Healthy Weights (Min/Max)
142 cm 40-51 kg
145 cm 42-53 kg
147 cm 44-54 kg
150 cm 45-56 kg
152 cm 46-58 kg
155 cm 48-60 kg
157 cm 49-62 kg
160 cm 51-64 kg
163 cm 53-66 kg
165 cm 54-68 kg
168 cm 56-70 kg
170 cm 58-73 kg
173 cm 60-74 kg
175 cm 61-77 kg
178 cm 63-79 kg
180 cm 65-81 kg
183 cm 67-83 kg
185 cm 69-86 kg
188 cm 71-88 kg
191 cm 73-91 kg
193 cm 74-93 kg
196 cm 77-96 kg
198 cm 78-98 kg

Then the way to calculate approximately what your “reduced weight” will be is to weigh yourself and compare your actual weight with what you should weigh. Take the lower figure and multiply it 68% if you are a man and 55% if you are a woman

winerack_bra

wine rack bra found at Gizmodo

This is what Michael Deakin calls the Mathematics of Getting Drunk. I’ve already had my allotted two glasses tonight so the math is temporarily beyond my capabilities but I’m not about to start spraying urine any time soon. Speaking of the urge to piss, here’s a cute little tutorial on how to do it while sporting Morning Wood*** 

flying-wallenda

*** thanks Mark for sending me this. 

Published in: on March 24, 2009 at 7:11 am  Comments (39)  

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39 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Only being able to have two glasses is a small price to pay for your body, Nursie! I assume boobs don’t absorb much alcohol.

  2. Alcohol is not something that the people of Scotland are completely au fait with.

    We much prefer sipping a freshly brewed cup of tea, and maybe a nibble on the odd fondant fancy.

  3. My weight to height ratio is perfect!!!! Doesn’t look it though …… damn gravity and all it stands for ….. pass the bottle ………

  4. First of all, I love Shiraz. And the best of it seems to come from Austrailia, so you win.

    Second of all, I amd drunk..

    Third of all, you should send me or address or the equivalent of an address because I have a present for you, however small.

    Fourth of all, I can totally hold my liquor, other than the whole “omigod look at me blogging drunk and responding to comments while undr the influence of foreign substances” thing.

  5. I want what she’s having :-)

  6. By now I would imagine it’s sex..

  7. I hear that you get more drunk if you bend over while drinking (because you weigh less).

    I am also quite Evil.

  8. haha anaglyph – that is REALLY good

  9. Myra don’t you know the world revolves around the United States? As such can you please present any charts/figures in lbs and inches b/c we are too dumb to figure out your metric system.

  10. It shames me to admit that I am an easy drunk, as well. When I was dating, all my dates drank me under the table. All a guy wants to hear from his date is, “I’m drunk. Take me.” All I ever heard was, “Are you drunk already?” So embarrassing.

    Morning wood can make you miss your train. I hear.

  11. Mr. Morning Wood is a hoot! I like the Superman solution.

  12. So after two glasses, do you find yourself wearing “wine goggles”?

    It’s SO long since I’ve had more than two in one night that I can’t remember…..
    ;-)

  13. having too little tissue results in a good pickeling.
    and the ‘peeing with wood’ drawing further illustrates how some species can’t pee in the toilet without making a complete mess of it.

  14. “By now, I would imagine it’s sex.” Jimmy Bastard, you’re one clever dude.

  15. Now I know where you find this stuff! Let’s all blame Mark!

    Really, this stuff is great. Thanks for the laughs!

    Thomas :)

  16. I think the Trapeze Artist exceeded his limit for his body weight ratio thingy … and imagine the mess from him swinging back and forth in a drunken stupor. I’m a one or two wine gal too! Anymore simply puts me to sleep.

  17. Okay, I got some giggles out of the “Morning Wood” exercises. Enjoy it while you may boys, there will come a time when that woody in the am is more viney and you will no longer have the problem.

    And didn’t he miss the easiest pee ever? Turn on the shower get in there and let it go down the drain, problem solved, wife much happier than with pee all over the walls and floor.

  18. so many things affect my capacity for booze; how tired I am, how hormonal, how energized, what I’ve eaten. But I’m also a cheap date ;)

  19. PS You rule too xxx

  20. Except a person with more muscle mass by weight is going to have a higher metabolism than someone with more fat by weight and will likely process anything they imbibe faster than the other person.

    Just a thought.

  21. How’d you know I pee that way?

  22. Lionel Strongfort has got to be one of the earliest porn names ever invented.

    And my own personal strongfort can hold its own when it comes to drinking. It’s all about conditioning.

    Afternoon wood is a bit more problematic, mainly because you’re probably somewhere where there is no trapeze by the loo.

  23. renalfailure, come on down. We have a trapeze at the Gimcrack

  24. I don’t see how Senator Conroy can possibly complain about this blog. It is all about food and drink. Such harmless subjects – – – ;)

  25. So, you give wine to your inmates…I mean patients? That’s pretty nice.

  26. they get free wine and beer on the last Friday of each month at happy hour and there’s usually at least half a dozen other social gatherings throughout the year where we supply alcohol too. I make sure I’m not rostered on at the end of any of these events – there’s always lots of patients falling over and sodden continence pads galore…. not pretty….

  27. i don’t need a table to tell me how to get drunk… just need to be under one, then i know i’m there…

    i’ll take that 2 glass limit as a personal challenge next time we meet up… i’ll get you drunk and get you to do silly things – like post photos of your hot, corseted body on the internet… oh… wait…

  28. So you have to take it easy when it comes to your drink or is it just Shiraz? I hold myself pretty well but wine makes me very sleepy. even one glass.

  29. Even in the olden days when I drank, I was a cheap date. Nowadays, my limit is Diet Coke. However, one of my ex’s favorite tricks was to get me drunkish, and then take me to a porno movie, where I would annoy the rest of the audience by laughing my fool head off.

  30. doesn’t wine have absorbic acid in it? so it absorbs better?

  31. I have always assumed the more muscle thing is why, on occasion, I have put away six pints of IPA in an evening and not even felt it the next day. But there are enough variables that I try to stay at about the two-glass range myself. As long as you don’t drink with Germans you are pretty safe.

  32. I think the Vietnamese could give even the Germans a run for their money

  33. I need to be 2.5 cms taller for my weight then maybe I could handle more than 2 glasses of white…

  34. Your blog was recommended to me by a reader who thought I was as twisted as you are. I love your blogs and now I will go and read some more.
    gaye

  35. [...] to make an erectile sundial remember these instructions on how to pee with morning wood? Sexhax also tells you how to use your (or someone else’s) [...]

  36. Morning wood comes in handy when Im up at th buttcrack o Dawn.

  37. Can other people drink from the wine rack bra directly ?

  38. I believe so ;-)


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