squeeze and please rods

honking stage

All this talk about swine ‘flu has led nursemyra to investigate safe breeding techniques for delicious bacon. The Swine Artificial Insemination Guide for Beginners told me almost all I need to know

Make sure the sow or gilt is in standing heat. To confirm standing heat look for secondary signs such as ear popping, mucous and an engorged clitoris. Stimulate her by allowing nose to nose contact with a boar. Sit on the sow’s back and rub her flanks while artificially inseminating her.

 

 toothy pig

There’s also another technique which involves “squeeze and please” rods. Unfortunately for the sow, nose to nose contact, back-sitting and flank-rubbing are all deemed undesirable while using this method. For the farmer perhaps, but not for the unlucky sow. 

sexy_pig

The people at Secrepro have developed BoarBot for those who can’t manage just by using the Beginners Guide alone.

The boar is tied to the Boarbot with a rope that attaches to a leather harness that straps around the Boar’s shoulders.
 The rope is tied low, near the boar’s chest, so it is unable to get any lift and tip the Boarbot over.
 Since he is tethered behind the machine, the boar can come in direct physical contact with the sows. Possibility to inseminate alone with Boar Bot.

boar botNow if you want something to take your mind off swine insemination go check out what you can do with these cute little critters over at geekologie

smush-pig-toy

 

Published in: on May 31, 2009 at 7:46 am  Comments (26)  

t shirt friday 29.5.2009

skullish 001 skullish 005 skullish 008

It’s the last friday of the month so it’s t shirt day. I know 70s is playing along – anyone else? 

ok, I’ve just seen daddypapersurfer’s effort ;-)

Nobblysan seems to have his Fridays mixed up ;-)

Gnukid’s is up ;-)

Here’s silverstar

Can’t forget sledpress

ooops…. I forgot to check in with renalfailure

 

Published in: on May 29, 2009 at 8:32 am  Comments (38)  

very heavy rescue

I read this wonderful little snippet in Mary Roach‘s entertaining book Bonk.

In San Francisco, cock ring emergencies are so common that they have their own shorthand (“C-Ring”) on the Fire Department teletype. The department’s heavy rescue squad has a modified small circular drill especially for this purpose and occasionally stages practice drills. The latter prove challenging owing to the absence of manipulable genitilia on resuscitation dolls and the refusal of male staff to volunteer as mock victims.

 

 Oldpenispump

The latest cock rings do more than just enhance your erection. The sex counter will also keep a record of how many thrusts (or bonks per minute) you make per session. 

only 33

33 BPM is not very impressive. I’m pretty sure Sean Connery could do better. And he wouldn’t need any enhancing rings……..

sean connery as zardoz

 

Published in: on May 28, 2009 at 8:32 am  Comments (31)  

the dangers of coitus

wantedformurder

Many “sex experts” of the 19th century believed that frequent sexual intercourse was unhealthy.

“Even in animals this is sometimes the case. Young bulls and stallions have fallen into a faint after first congress; boars may be seriously affected in a similar way; mares have been known even to fall dead.

kittensteaparty

For more taxidermy delights, check out Walter Potter

In the human species, not only death itself, but innumerable disorders and accident have been known to follow immediately after coitus, these results being mainly due to the vascular and muscular excitement involved in the process of detumescence. Fainting, vomiting, urination, defecation have been noted as occurring in young men after the first coitus.

Nicolas_Tassaert_-_Die_Eifersüchtige_Katze

Epilepsy has been not infrequently recorded. Lesions of various organs, even rupture of the spleen, have sometimes taken place. In men of mature age, the arteries have at times been unable to resist the high blood-pressure and cerebral hemorrhage with paralysis has occurred. In elderly men the excitement of intercourse with strange women has sometimes caused death, and various cases are known of eminent persons who have thus died in the arms of young wives or prostitutes.”

 

Tryst3-baby

image found here

Robinson refers to the case of a judge who died shortly after connection with a girl in a brothel, and to the case of a man of seventy who died after intercourse with a prostitute. He also mentions the case of a man of 48 years of age who was found dying in a Chicago hotel after cohabiting with an accommodating widow.

friendly widowAlso the case of a young man who fainted away at the first coitus, and that of a man sixty years old who had connection with a strange woman and fell dead as he walked to the door immediately after the act.senorhand

and of course there’s always first hand proof to be found at the Gimcrack

Published in: on May 27, 2009 at 8:20 am  Comments (34)  

upsuck in action

Last year The Australian published an excerpt from Mary Roach’s excellent book Bonk.

“For centuries physicians put stock in an anatomical event called upsuck. They believed that a woman who had an orgasm during sex had a higher chance of conception because the contractions sucked the semen through the cervix and on up into the uterus. (“I am of the opinion that the vulva of Your Most Sacred Majesty should be titillated for some length of time before intercourse,” counselled the physician of the then childless Hapsburg empress Maria Theresa.)

HabsbergThe 19th-century gynaecologist Joseph Beck claimed to have witnessed upsuck in action, via a patient with a prolapsed uterus (meaning her cervix was parked in plain view inside the opening of her vagina). “At the height of excitement,” he wrote, the cervix made “five or six successive gasps, as it were“. (This was a woman of such “passionate nature” that simply stroking her cervix three times, Beck claimed, would bring on an orgasm. My gynaecologist didn’t buy it; she pointed out that the cervix has so few nerve endings that biopsies can be taken without anaesthesia.

 

gasp2Dickinson laid the hokum to rest by sliding test tubes up the vaginas of agreeable patients and peering through with a headlamp. Wielding his test-tube spyglass, Dickinson ascertained that head-on penis to cervix contact was rare and interlocking highly unlikely. A century later, magnetic resonance imaging put the notion to rest for certain. A pair of Dutch street acrobats named Jupp and Ida were scanned in the act inside an MRI tube at the University of Groningen, by Willibrord Weijmar Schultz and Pek van Andel, who claimed Leonardo’s coition figures as their inspiration.

 

Oral Sex Headlight-thumb

What else has mankind gained from Jupp and Ida? A tremendous fudge factor, should mankind wish to boast about the length of its organ. Before Schultz and van Andel’s MRI, anatomists hadn’t realised how much of the penis lies hidden below the body’s surface. The root is nearly two-thirds the length of the pendulous part. So if your erection is, say, 15cm long, go ahead and call it 25. I’ll back you up

untrtasound flaccid 01 ultrasound erect

images found here. click to enlarge 

 

Published in: on May 26, 2009 at 8:10 am  Comments (30)  

teleclitoridienne

The fabulously wealthy Princess Marie Bonaparte measured 243 women to determine the distance between their clitoris and their vagina.

clitoris pressure

“She concluded after analysing their sexual history that the distance between these two organs was critical for the ability to reach orgasm (“volupté”); she identified women with a short distance (the “paraclitoridiennes”) who reached orgasm easily during intercourse, and women with a distance of more than two and a half centimeters (the “téleclitoridiennes”) who had difficulties while the “mesoclitoriennes” were in between.

measurementsMarie considered herself a “téleclitorienne” and approached Josef Halban to surgically move her clitoris closer to the vagina. She underwent and published the procedure as the Halban-Narjani operation. When it proved unsuccessful in facilitating the sought-after outcome for Marie, the physician repeated the operation.” 

Kim Wallen believes that Princess Marie was onto something……

“In fact, there’s even an easy “rule of thumb,” Wallen says: Clitoris-vagina distances less than 2.5 cm — that’s roughly from the tip of your thumb to your first knuckle — tend to yield reliable orgasms during sex. More than a thumb’s length? Regular intercourse alone typically might not do the trick.”

Kama_Sutra_-_21

(I wonder how many of my female readers are now thinking about retreating behind a locked door with a measuring tape and a mirror?) 

“Women with a large C-V distance should not be discouraged, Wallen says. “Personally, I don’t think the inability to experience no-hands, penis-only intercourse with orgasm says anything about a happy sex life”

Gals, when you’ve finished fooling around with the ruler, you might like to visit this link and check out the amazing trousseau Princess Marie brought to her marriage

french glovestretcher

 

 

Published in: on May 25, 2009 at 8:09 am  Comments (43)  

corset friday 22.5.2009

brown bow 001 brown bow 008 brown bow 009

Published in: on May 22, 2009 at 9:49 am  Comments (38)  

thrill me Harvey

William Harvey took out a patent for a Therapeutic Apparatus for Relieving Sexual Frustrations in Women without Sex Partners.

birdhouses

It is the object of the present invention to provide a therapeutic apparatus which utilizes a continuously erect, yet resiliently pliable artificial penis for simulated sexual intercourse wherein the penis has both the look and feel of a real male’s penis.

dollman7

It is still a further object of the present invention to provide a therapeutic apparatus which provides a rapid cam-operated thrust at the end of each stroke.

george's golf practice apparatus

It is yet another object of this invention to provide a pad encircling the base of the penis to simulate the look and feel of male pubic hair.

Furthermore, any number of positions can be enjoyed with the apparatus of the present invention by using a little imagination and practice. 

improved physical therapy equipment

I’m more than a little disturbed at the thought of an encircling pad that simulates pubic hair but I suppose that woud be the least of my worries if I ever came across Willy’s invention.

Nowadays the TAforRSFinWWSP has been well and truly superseded by Allen Stein’s ingenious  Thrillhammer.

the drive“The latest in their luxury line of sex machines features accessories only found in high end recliners. It’s a fashionable 6 foot round sofa with a sex machine hidden covertly in its base. Users of the new machine can enjoy a Shiatsu Massage while being surrounded with music and supplied with instant lubrication though its custom “Wet Platinum Auto Lube-R”.

teterafalica  

Published in: on May 21, 2009 at 8:13 am  Comments (36)  

clamp down on this

Starting_Bottom

image by Elvgren

Remember when nursemyra investigated the popularity of tight dry sex? Here’s the other side of the coin. Vaginismus is a condition which causes the vagina to tighten up to such a degree that it’s almost impossible for sexual intercourse to take place. If a partner does manage to gain entry, it is often an extremely painful experience for the woman.

One way of treating it is by injecting botox into the muscles inside the vagina to stop them from going into spasm.

“A team from the Tehran University of Medical Science treated 25 women with botox injections in muscles inside the vagina, while the patients were either lightly sedated or under general anaesthetic.

injection 2All but two were able to have pain-free intercourse with their partners after one or two treatments.”Dr Shirin Ghazizadeh, who led the study, told BBC News Online: “Vaginismus is a vicious cycle of pain and spasm.

But once a patient can be engaged in satisfactory intercourse, the problem will be solved forever.”Achille_Devéria_-_11

Having a clamping vagina would be no fun at all. But clamps of a different kind are erotic for some.

collared nipple clamps

“When used properly electric sex clamps can stimulate shocking pleasure, literally. The design makes the clamps easy to use with or without  other toys.  One of the clamps is the negative pole and the other positive.”

sex-clamps-1

Then there’s the vibrating nipple clamps to consider. this is marilyn_monroe’s opinion… (no, not THAT Marilyn Monroe)

“I bought them, received them in an acceptable time period, and starting using them immediately. I love how they are wireless. Could you imagine all these wires hanging from my breasts?!! That would suck.

Wow, that’s all I can say. This pleasure put the everyday nipple clamps to shame. I will never use the average nipple clamp again. I am sold on this whole vibration thing.”

vibrating-nipple-clamps

 

Published in: on May 20, 2009 at 8:14 am  Comments (29)  

you put your right foot in, you put your right foot out

Several recent gimcrack posts have been about the strange mating habits of insects and animals. Today’s wacky sex ritual is brought to you by the Manakin bird.

chestnut_manakin 

Male manikins attract partners by a very specialised dance. Their  trademark movement is walking backwards along a twig while making it looks as if their feet are walking forwards. While doing this they flap their wings at 160 times per second, losing up to 10% of their body fat in the process.

Michael-Jackson--46543

But the female manikin would not be impressed by this performance if it was done solo. So a dominant male has to recruit an apprentice, teach him the exact same moves and put on the show as a pas de duex.

two men dancing

And here’s how the Twelve-Wired Bird of Paradise does it. “The Wire-Wipe Display is performed by the adult male to best present his flank plumes and his bare pigmented thighs to the female and to use his unique 12 flank plume ‘wires’ to brush across the female’s face and foreparts”

borrowed plume

Birds seem to have plenty of luck so perhaps the human male could learn some tips from them. the Amateur Scientist suggests adding a little colour to your life with a marker pen.

“Scientists from Arizona State University wanted to know if sexual attractiveness could increase a male animal’s testosterone levels. So they grabbed a few ugly, light-feathered barn swallows and scribbled on them with a black marker. The result? The newly darkened birds became sexual Adonises.

colouring in curly obama doll

Published in: on May 19, 2009 at 7:49 am  Comments (32)  
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