a travelling chinaman called bruce

nursemyra is lucky enough to have had two mothers. One is alive and well and living on the beautiful Mornington Peninsula. My other mother passed away some years ago. She did, however, hand down some strange maternal advice that I’ve never forgotten. But before I share it with my readers first let me tell you about the “Bruce Effect“

The Bruce effect is a form of pregnancy disruption in mammals in which exposure of a female to an unknown male results in pre or postimplantation failure.

Laboratory experiments show that when a recently inseminated female is exposed directly to an unfamiliar, nonsire male or to its urine or soiled bedding, this causes her to prevent implantation or to abort or reabsorb her embryos.

This response supposedly is adaptive for the male, in that termination of pregnancy results in the female coming into estrus, providing the male with a mating opportunity.

(Jayne Mansfield succumbs to temptation)

The advice my mother passed on was this: “Never marry a travelling salesman, a Chinaman or anyone called Bruce”

The rationale behind this strange piece of maternal ‘wisdom’ being her sister’s cheating husband, Bruce, was a travelling salesman who kept a mistress in every other town. The entire Chinese nation got a bad rap because of the greengrocer down the road who let his cat sleep on the fruit in the front window of his shop.

This could also have been the reason I wasn’t allowed to put a Bruce Lee poster on my wall when I was teenage Enter the Dragon fan………….

cock cutting coconuts

Tu-Jin Sheng is a master of penis qigong.

“Tu exalts this practice as a penile panacea. He claims it can prevent old age and diseases, increase energy and vitality, make muscles and bones stronger, reduce arterial blockage, cholesterol levels, diabetes, allergies and ear problems.

With just a half-hour to an hour of practice a day, Master Tu promises quick results. After only one week, your hips will loosen. In two weeks, you will not feel thirsty as easily. After the first month, your vision will become clearer. By two months, your complexion will improve and the bags under your eyes will disappear, and by three months, you will require less sleep and feel powerful all of the time. Eventually, you won’t feel the need to go the bathroom as often and any plaguing maladies will vanish. And what about sex? Master Tu says “Of course! This is really great for sex!” One of his students fathered a new baby at age 82. Another student fathered a son 20 years after the birth of his daughter. Master’s Tu’s most incredible claim is that the highest masters of penis qigong can use it to pull cars, break ice blocks and even cut coconuts.

Master Tu has another extraordinary stunt in the works. He is in the process of getting clearance from the Taiwanese government to borrow a 747 jet airplane. Tu figures 20 to 24 of his top students, by strapping their penises, 6 to 8 men per wheel, can generate combined penis pulling power to move the 18,000-kilogram (39,780 lbs!) 747. That’s over a ton and a half per penis.

“Combined penis pulling power”?

*swoon*…….

you can’t just jam it up

Alfred Kinsey is known for his encyclopaedic surveys of human sexuality. He wanted to set up a dedicated laboratory in which to observe the responses of the body to sexual stimulation. Unable to secure enough funding for this project, he instead filmed himself and others in his own attic in Indiana.

“Kinsey inserted a swizzle stick into his urethra, tied a rope around his scrotum and then simultaneously tugged hard on the rope while he manouevered the stick deeper. He paused just long enough to explain to his fellow staff member and camerman why the knob on the end of the swizzle stick posed a problem. “There’s a little flap as you go partly up the urethra that you have to bypass, so you can’t just jam the thing in.”

Somehow I doubt that Kinsey was using anything as classy as these Memento Mori sticks which can be found at the link belowD.L & Co.

He was also known to have used a toothbrush. Though there is no word on whether or not he cleaned his teeth with it afterwards.

t shirt friday 26.6.2009

Is anyone else joining in T-shirt Friday? I’ve been saying goodbye to a work colleague, toasting her health with ToffeeAppletinis….. I’m such a cheap drunk that just one is enough to make me feel quite pissed. About to pass out on the couch so will link back to anyone playing along in the morning….. Happy Friday

Here’s Azahar’s

and Sledpress’

and renalfailure’s

and Mudpuddle’s

where are we mother?

Helga is starting to piss me off. At first it was kind of funny having an 89 year old patient think you’re having it off with her propellor headed boyfriend but the joke’s wearing a bit thin now.

Today she sidled up to my desk, all blue eyeshadow and brillo pad perm, hearing aid shrieking feedback and upper denture clacking as she wheezed. Clapped out old people constantly make noises with every conceivable part of their body. Even the bits that we’ve amputated.

“I asked him how good a fuck you are” she said. “He told me it hadn’t gone that far yet…….” Then she batted her eyelashes and sidled back to the elevator farting in time to the squeak of her walker. Quite frankly I wanted to stick an enema bulb up her nose but she might have thought I was making a pass at her so I just wrote “patient to be woken and toileted 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.” on her chart. Then I drew a cartoon cock and balls on a post it note and stuck it on her back as I walked past.

In other Gimcrack news today, the pastor had his hands full with Llewellyn, one of the 3rd floor dementia patients. In the middle of the sermon, Llew stood up to announce  ”a month ago I had a wristwatch.” He got shushed and shouted at by his fellow inmates and sat briefly, only to rise again during communion with “I say, where are we mother?”

Nothing fazes our good reverend, I’m sure he could conduct a service underwater. He just stuck a host in Llew’s mouth and carried on dispensing wafers to the rest of his congregation. Llew pulled his back out of his mouth and looked at it for a moment.

“I say, mother. This is not my wristwatch.”

Tomorrow I’m going to buy him a cap with a propellor on top and take him for a walk round Helga’s ward. Let him forage around in her drawers to see if he can find that missing timepiece……

I’ll hold it for you darling

Remember Helga? The deaf and dotty 89 year old who imports a 60 year old lover from China every year? She suspects nursemyra of a heinous crime…. boyfriend snatching!

The Chinese doctor is not her only lover. She also has an unsavoury friend who turns up each week wearing a propeller hat

He’s been missing in action for the past few days which has fuelled the paranoia Helga is prone to. Another patient told her Mr Propeller Head was seen walking past the Gimcrack gates last Sunday, apparently in hot pursuit of a woman with red streaks in her hair. I suspect this story is fabricated…. most of our patients don’t notice odd hats or streaking of any kind, even when it’s on their underwear.

So the latest gossip according to Helga is not only am I seeing her hat-wearing hottie on the sly, I’m also giving out free hand jobs in the elevator. The next time the door to the lift starts to close on some hapless geriatric as he calls out “Hold the lift, I’m coming in a minute….”

….. I will NOT be replying “Take your time darling, I’m happy to hold it til you come”

apophallation

I love a new word and today I discovered a very sexy one indeed. Apophallation. From “apo” as in detach and “phallus” as in penis.  Or as it is known in the world of banana slugs – the art of chewing your partner’s meat off.

“So what is so interesting about banana slugs!? Well, these slugs are hermaphrodites, which means that they can act as both males and females. When they mate, they insert their penises into each other at the same time. The unusual thing (in case you don’t find that unusual enough!) is that sometimes, but not always, when they finish mating one slug will chew the penis completely off the other, a process called Apophallation. Sometimes it happens that both slugs engage in chewing so that at the end of the mating encounter, both slugs are penis-less.”

The castrated males become obligatory females and the eater gets to produce many offspring. Those that are very successful can amass a harem of castrated slugs.

Okay, I bet this has got my male readers crossing their legs. And I may have turned a few female readers off their chocolate for at least the next half hour. If reading about slug sex has made you feel queasy then DO NOT click the link at the bottom of this post. Just look at this pretty picture by Elvgren instead. You can read all about him and see more of his lovely work here

You have been warned………………………………………….. NSFW link

how to fly like a witch

In the 15th century, flying witches were believed to be everywhere. It was thought that they achieved this power by anointing themselves with a magical unguent.

The preparation of this ointment was guarded as a precious secret. It was made from the fat of unbaptised children, mixed with soot and the blood of bats.***

Five women charged with witchcraft in 1460 described how the devil gifted this unguent to them. They used it to anoint a small wooden rod, then put the rod between their legs and flew off upon it.

“A man who discovered his wife rubbing herself all over with ointment tied her to the bed with ropes. Still she managed to elude him by changing into a bat and flying off……”

*** you’re not really going to try this at home are you…?

androgynozoophilia

image by Manning

Androgynozoophilia is an uncomfortable subject and one that relates to fertility rituals in ancient Egypt.  Herodotus wrote about women having sex with trained goats in Mendesian temples. I think I’ll leave that alone as it’s making me queasy just thinking about it.

image from an anti smoking campaign

There is a famous story of geese that were trained for the erotic arousal of the Byzantine empress, Theodora. She supposedly tutored them in a stage performance where grains of barley were sprinkled on her genitals and the geese were then encouraged to feed upon them.

In more recent animal news the Courier Mail filed this report about a sexually aroused parrot who was caught attempting to seduce its owner’s feathered hat – while she was wearing it. The most my lesbian parrot does is nibble my earlobes. then again, I don’t wear elaborate concoctions on my head very often.

improve your sperm count the manly way

In 2005 www.abc.net.au reported on a study about the effects of pornography on sperm***

“Looking at pornographic images of men and women together can increase the quality of a man’s sperm, a new study suggests. The effect is based on an evolutionary process observed in animals known as sperm competition.

Males ejaculate more sperm, or sperm of better quality, when the risk of sperm competition [the probability that a female will mate with more than one male] is high.

Research now shows that just looking at an image of another man in action is enough to register as a case of sperm competition, causing a compensatory adjustment in the viewer’s semen

I don’t know about my male readers but looking at this early photograph of Yul Brynner certainly increases my desire to check out the quality of freshly produced sperm. You know the drill…. bring your specimen in its original container to nursemyra’s Thursday morning clinic for a free  personal evaluation……

lab technician on stand by

*** I first read about this research in How Sex Works by Dr Sharon Moalem