tongueing it

ever since I wrote about the travelling figure eight technique of oral sex, I’ve had “dear nursemyra” letters from strangers wanting to know more about correct tongue placement. I usually refer them to this excellent link but unfortunately it doesn’t have explanatory images with the text

While this scan of English Phonetics doesn’t tell you how to perform the travelling figure eight, it does show you via palatograms how to pronounce tricky sentences like “Didn’t I see you at the station the other day?“

An important part of all oral activities is holding the mouth correctly.

The proper embouchure allows the instrumentalist to play the instrument at its full range and without strain or damage to one’s muscles

At the gimcrack, the only exploratory bulbs we use are attached to an enema bag, but in the field of phonetics they are used for recording variations in the height of the tongue and the pressure of the lips.

I don’t think reading this book will help anyone perfect the art of oral sex but it may result in a more refined accent. If your technique leaves a little to be desired perhaps your partner may be prepared to overlook your shortcomings if you surprise him with an inflatable tongue

Then again, perhaps not……..

how to make an erectile sundial

remember these instructions on how to pee with morning wood? Sexhax also tells you how to use your (or someone else’s) erect penis as a sun dial.

Marianne Batlle doesn’t make sundials with the real thing but she does create interesting make believe penises

Marianne is not trying to pretend her pieces are anything but replicas. Unlike the people at encantoman.

As well as their deceptive underwear, they also advertise an extender for circumcised men.

“Is what he inserts in your vagina really all him?”

Never mind that it makes his penis look like a hot dog sausage. You can check it out for yourself here. I can’t decide which is worse, the fake foreskin or the padded underwear. Gimcrack readers are advised to stick to sun dialling…..

never trust a boy doctor

“Sammy Tubbs, Boy Doctor, and Sponsie, His Troublesome Monkey” was a children’s book written in 1874 by Edward Bliss Foote. Dr Foote lectured against wearing tight fitting clothes and promoted phrenology as well as manufacturing an early contraceptive (a type of Dutch cap) which he sold in his clinic and through mail order for $6.00

on page 130 of Sammy Tubbs there is an illustration of a “suggestive chart” showing which areas of the face relate to various body parts.

“Morbid, in the region of the cheekbone, is the place to look for the signs of an infirm constitution. Great breadth of neck below the jaws at the point marked Insane, indicates a tendency to insanity.”

image found here

but the most interesting thing about this book is that it was a used as a device to teach children about the human body.

“It’s a Victorian sex-ed manual. For children. Starring a monkey. There are thrilling showdowns between bigotry and the rights of women and minorities. And there are, courtesy of illustrator H.L. Stephens, hundreds of drawings of everything from shrub-like capillary diagrams to flying monkeys and animated kitchen appliances. Rather more down to earth—if not downright earthy—illustrations include those of genitalia. One set of these occurs on page 180 1/2—the publishing netherworld equivalent of Floor 7 1/2 in Being John Malkovich—so that mortified parents could razor out the drawings without Junior noticing a break in pagination. But even razored copies still contained a drawing of a vagina with a tiny musical note tooting out of it—a sly touch by Stephens removed from later printings.

object remix by Bob Turek

corset friday 12.6.2009

I have fond memories of this spiderwoman corset. I wore it when Stephen was working on a 2006 installation that featured a one armed spiderman. Click the link below to see his wild version

Accumulations/Accretions

PS: I don’t usually have offers to join in Corset Friday but tigereyesal has indeed done just this. go over here and tell her how great she looks

mismatch made in heaven

Ida Craddock is still dispensing wedding night advice

“These directions are of especial importance where the organs of the bride and bridegroom are so ill-matched as to make what is termed “a matrimonial misfit.” Sometimes the man’s organ, which in a state of activity should be about six inches in length, is much longer and proportionately large; and if the woman’s orifice and vagina chance to be unusually small, great suffering will result unless one party or the other has been cautioned and knows what to do

In a case where the organ had attained a phenomenal length, the man married a young woman of average proportions, and almost killed her upon the wedding night. Fortunately, the family physician, to whom the suffering bride referred her case, insisted that the husband should wear a pad, made as a ring, which prevented the entrance of the organ beyond a certain distance; and the couple are now living happily and have had several children.

Or the organ, while of average length, may be slender, and the woman’s orifice and vagina unusually large, so that his organ does not completely fill it, and this often fails to result in full satisfaction to the woman. In the latter case the male organ can sometimes be enlarged by electrical treatment. But I think that where the organs of either party depart very greatly from the average size, the party who is abnormal in size one way or the other is committing a great wrong upon the other party not to give due notification of his or her abnormality in advance.

advice for the groom

Ida Craddock wrote The Wedding Night in 1900

“There is a wrong way and there is a right way to pass the wedding night.

Do not, upon any account, use the hand for the purpose of sexual excitation at the bride’s genitals. There is but one lawful finger of love with which to approach her genitals, and this is the male organ. Even where there is a hymen whose orifice requires to be gradually enlarged in order to effect a painless entrance, the male organ, and not the finger, should be employed, lest a masturbative response be set up in the bride at the outset, which would be most unfortunate.

As to the clitoris, this should be simply saluted, at most, in passing, and afterwards ignored as far as possible.

A woman’s clitoris is sometimes hooded, which, of course, is an unnatural condition. Many a girl infant, it is now maintained by some physicians, is nervously deranged by the existence of such a hood, and would be restored to health by its circumcision.

image found here

Also, to the bride, I would say : Bear in mind that it is part of your wifely duty to perform pelvic movements during the embrace, riding your husband’s organ gently, and, at times, passionately, with various movements, up and down, sideways, and with a semi-rotary movement, resembling the movement of the thread of a screw upon a screw.

the dangers of bingo

Bingo is one of the most popular diversions offered to patients at the Gimcrack. The chance of winning fifty grams of chocolate is apparently worth getting out of bed for. Of course there’s also the likelihood of getting stabbed in the eye with a marker pen because it is a competition after all, and our patients are a feisty lot.

In Milwaukee, playing bingo can yield even more surprising results

“A 73 year old woman claimed she became sexually attracted to other women and started having spontaneous orgasms after an electric bingo scoreboard fell on her head. the woman asked for $90,000 from the church where the bingo game took place, but the judge threw out her case because she refused to undergo court-ordered psychological examination.”

Apparently, she’s not alone.  This problem even has a name – Persistant Genital Arousal Disorder

The condition of Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder was first named and properly medicalised in 2001 but obviously women have been suffering from this condition for millennia. The embarrassing nature of it means that very few women actually report it and instead live with their guilty secret. There is not much that can be done if you suffer from PGAD at present but some treatments involving electroconvulsive therapy, stretching exercises and the use of medications which have Female Sexual Dysfunction as a side effect have been effective.

I can prove it’s not a prosthesis

I’d never thought about a career in urology before, but the members of the Urology Association have hosted some pretty exciting conferences. The setting is the 1983 Las Vegas meeting of the American Urological Association…… 

Accounts of the details of Professor Brindley’s 1983 Las Vegas presentation vary, but almost all agree on certain points:

1. Dr. Brindley’s research focused on what is now commonly called erectile dysfunction and included injecting his own penis with 33 drugs prior to making the original discovery that phenoxybenzamine, an alpha-blocking smooth muscle relaxant that works as a non-specific vasodilator, would result in an erection.
2. Prior to his presentation, Dr. Brindley privately injected his own penis with phenoxybenzamine.
3. During his presentation, entitled something along the lines of ‘Vaso-active Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction,” Dr. Brindley revealed (a) the fact that he had injected himself with phenoxybenzamine and (b) the results of that action – his fully erect penis.
4. The audience – consisting primarily of physicians who spent much of their professional lives performing examinations of the sort that tend to jade ones response to male genitalia – gasped.
5. Brindley, a former athlete, then proved he was not using a silicone prosthesis, by descending from the stage to the audience, inviting them to inspect his erect penis.

As Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a Boston University urologist who was present for Dr. Brindley’s presentation, describes it, “He walked down the aisle and let us touch it. People couldn’t believe it wasn’t an implant.”

NOT Professor Brindley

How the Count of Dingleberry expelled a Centipede from his Rod

the following fragment from Landmarks in Gyneacology was written in the early 17th century.

“Count Percival of Dingleberry assures me that he ejected through his rod a live animal, not unlike a centipede in form but scab-red in color and smelling of fresh butter, which animal, after a great deal of lashing, leapt from the chamber pot and slithered under the bed, whereupon the Count’s cat, a fat old one-eyed mouser with shredded ears, devoured the worm and fell instantly dead. 

Because of the corruption of certain excrements that molder in their wombs, women have been known to expel from their wombs (sometimes with normal fetuses, other times as sole issue), insects, worms, oysters, frogs, toads, snakes, lizards, newts, horn-owls, monsters and harpies.

Star-Nosed Mole embryo

Monsieur Bourgeois, a learned French physician and distant cousin of mine, delivered the monstrous birth of a tripe-monger’s wife well past age of child-bearing: a bladder-dugged hag with oysters for eyes and a black tongue, a scab-pated witch in a greasy kerchief whose ankles hung over her shoes.  And the hag, insisting that she felt a child quick within her, begged Bourgeois to feel how the wee jester cut a caper in her belly. Not a drop of sap left in her, but this rancid old tripe-wife, this scrap of maggoty bacon, this roasted pig’s ear must spread her legs for the gentleman my cousin and scream like a sow in farrow. She showed him her privates, he gasped from the stench, and out popped a fat hairless cat, horned like the devil and mustachioed like a rake.

it’s electrifying

Kinsey spent some time studying the effects of sexual intercourse on men with cerebral palsy and multiple sclerosis. He noticed that the benefits obtained (relief of leg stiffness and muscle spasms) lingered on for some time afterward. Further research showed that a session with a rectal probe electroejaculator could ease spasticity for up to eight hours.  

Two of our patients at the Gimcrack have multiple sclerosis so perhaps it’s time to do a little research of my own……

“Electro sex equipment is usually expensive sophisticated electronic gear adapted to specific requirements, however it occurred to us that most people already have something in their own home that produces very similar electronic output. 

with a few simple connections you route the electrical signals normally sent to the speakers through your genitals.”

Nursemyra has not attempted sexual intercourse with her stereo system and doubts that she ever will. But who needs my endorsement when others say it so much better…..

“I saw this in HBO and must try it” C & J from New York

“I too, am an electronics engineer. This is ingenious” D from Georgia

“I hooked this up through the sound card in my computer and WOW with the MIDI I blow my own mind“ C from Washington, DC

“I am elderly and for years I have been so frustrated until you came along” V from Oklahoma

“I am a sound engineer and have a whole studio at my disposal. Some of the sound files I have created are beyond belief” J from Toronto

“I have tied a few different things but yours takes the cake” T from Nevada

” I saw this on HBO, and must try it”. C. & J. New