mixmaster blong jesus christ

In 1980, journalist Richard Shears flew to Espiritu Santo, the largest island in the nation of Vanuatu. Back then these Melanesian islands were known as the New Hebrides. The islands were administered by Britain and France in what was known as a condominium.

Vanuatu waters by Ben McDarmont found here

“Consequently, some people spoke French, other English. The original inhabitants adopted Bislama, a type of pidgin English. They also used a picture language that seemed to combine a bit of English and pidgin, resulting in a brassiere being described as “basket blong titty”.

image found here

A toothbrush was “broom blong tut” (brush belonging to tooth), a helicopter was “Mixmaster blong Jesus Christ”. 

image found here

At the time of Shears’ visit, the condominium had two police forces and two jails. Foreign visitors who fell foul of the law could elect to be tried either by the French or British system. Most preferred the French because the gendarmes served wine with meals. 

Gendarme by Owen Franken found here

A telex Shears received from the London Mail’s Foreign Desk read “CANST CONFIRM URGENTEST PRINCE PHILIP LAUDED AS GOD BY JUNGLE TRIBE STOP”. He showed this to anthropologist Kirk Huffman who agreed that it was true:

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The villagers’ belief seems to centre on a trip that the Queen and Prince Philip made in 1974 to Vanuatu aboard Britannia. Tannese legend has it that during a reception in the capital Port Vila, the Duke shook only the hands of men from Tanna. This news reached the residents of Yaohnanen, who were waiting for a gift in return for a pig they had given to a British officer some years before. The tribe sent a letter to Port Vila, asking where their gift was and inquiring about the Duke. In response the British delivered a framed portrait of the Duke, and the worship began.

image found here

All his correspondence, newspaper clippings about him and his portraits are kept in a hut that has become a shrine. Children are taught about a god who lives in England and will one day return.The chief of Yaohnanen, said: “We know he is a very old man, but when he comes here he is going to be young again, and so will everyone else on the island.”

image found here

Published in: on June 10, 2012 at 1:38 pm  Comments (47)  
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queer stories of a queer craze

In 1898, R J Stephen wrote this article –  TATTOOED ROYALTY: Queer Stories of a Queer Craze for The Harmsworth Monthly Pictorial Magazine.

image found here

“What wonder, then, that tattooing is now the most popular pastime of the leisured world? For one of the best-known men in high European circles, the Grand Duke Alexis of Russia, is most elaborately tattooed. And Prince and Princess Waldemar of Denmark, Queen Olga of Greece, King Oscar of Sweden, the Duke of York, the Grand Duke Constantine, Lady Randolph Churchill, with many others of royal and distinguished rank, have submitted themselves to the tickling, but painless and albeit pleasant, sensation afforded by the improved tattooing needle, aided by the galvanic current, the genius of the artist supplying the rest of the operation.

Lady Randolph Churchill found here

The Duke of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, like his cousin Alexis of Russia is another elaborately tattooed man; but even his decorations, and those of other profusely tattooed men, fall short in point of quantity when compared with those marks upon the body of that Greek gentleman who was exhibited not long ago at the Royal Aquarium, whose body was completely covered with fine tattoo work, every square inch of it.

world’s most tattooed man found here

Professor Riley’s work is pronounced to be the finest in the world. The present fancy for being tattooed, according to Professor Riley, mainly exists among men who have travelled much; while ladies have also taken a strong liking to this form of personal decoration, which, from a woman’s point of view, is about as expensive as a dress, but not so costly as good jewellery. In place of spending her spare time posing in front of the camera, or reclining her head in the dentist’s chair, or placing herself resignedly in the hands of her hairdresser, or for the purpose of passing her time in the “off” season, the lady about town now consents to be pricked by the tattoo artist’s needle, and to have her forearm or shoulder adorned with a mark such as this – a serpent holding its tail in its mouth – a symbol representing eternity.

image found here

Tattooing has its humorous side. A lover who once felt a passionate love, got the artist to imprint a single heart of charming and delicate outline, coloured in all the blushing tints, with the name of his loved one stamped thereon. Three years later he followed the artist to London, and, seeking him out, with face pallid, the light of his eye almost gone out, and looking utterly miserable and careworn, he requested that the tattooer imprint under that same symbol, in bold, big letters, the word “deceived”.

A well known army officer had tattooed over his heart the simple name of “Mary” with a lover’s knot, but six months afterwards the same gentleman had the uncanny word “traitress” tattooed underneath.

An English actress had a butterfly tattooed on her fair shoulder, the initials of her fiance, “F.V.” being placed underneath. Not long afterwards she also came back and had the “F” converted into “E” and the “V” into “W”, the letters reading “E.W.” She eventually married “E.W.” and to this day “E.W” thinks his initials were the first tattooed on her arm.

image found here

Professor Riley is at the present time engaged in etching on a man’s back Landseer’s famous picture “Dignity and Impudence”. He is also outlining on the chest of a Scotch baron a copy of Constable’s famous etching, “Mrs. Pelham,” after Sir Joshua Reynolds, the original of which fetched, at Christie’s, the record sum of 425 pounds.

Dignity and Impudence by Landseer found here

While most people are pleased to go through the performance of being tattooed just for the fun of it, many approach the tattooer with a serious object in view. Eschewing all fancy designs, they choose frequently their own name and address as an aid to identification in case of accident

Stargate address tattoo found here

Tattooing spread among the upper classes all over Europe in the nineteenth century, but particularly in Britain where it was estimated in Harmsworth Magazine in 1898 that as many as one in five members of the gentry were tattooed. There, it was not uncommon for members of the social elite to gather in the drawing rooms and libraries of the great country estate homes after dinner and partially disrobe in to show off their tattoos. As well as her consort Prince Albert, there are persistent rumours that Queen Victoria had a small tattoo in an undisclosed ‘intimate’ location. Winston Churchill’s mother, Lady Randolph Churchill, not only had a tattoo of a snake around her wrist, which she covered when the need arose with a specially crafted diamond bracelet, but had her nipples pierced as well.

Lady Churchill and Winston found here

Published in: on March 20, 2012 at 7:58 am  Comments (48)  
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squads of tailors on permanent standby

Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last German Emperor and King of Prussia, was a grandson of the British Queen Victoria, and related to many kings and princes around Europe. He also had a uniform fetish.

Wilhelm with his father found here

During the course of a levée he will change his uniform five or six times. For instance, if the son of a deceased general of artillery comes to announce the death of his father, the Emperor does not fail to put on his artillery uniform to do honor to the officer who has died in his service. He wears the uniform of a general of artillery, of cavalry, of infantry, or the naval uniform, according to the person he receives and the position that person occupies. If the Emperor receives representatives of military attachés of foreign powers, he wears the uniform of the army of the country which the visitor represents, or at least the orders belonging to that country.

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By one account he possessed exactly 295 different uniforms, thirty of which were in constant use. Fourteen valets, plus two head valets, were in charge of his uniform wardrobe. Three branches of service were put in motion every time the Kaiser wanted a costume — the garments department, that of the accessories, and that of the decorations.

image found here

Wilhelm made it a rule to always wear the uniform of the principal regiment garrisoned in the place visited ; the attendant unable to draw from among the baggage the military dress desired would quickly find himself dropped from the salary list. When one realises that a cavalry uniform, for instance, consists of fourteen distinct parts, it’s easy to see the amount of work involved in these sudden journeys, for one uniform would of course not do ; there must be three or four in reserve, and also civilian and hunting dress.

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Wilhelm had a strong preference for male company, especially with tall and handsome officers and even taking male partners at regimental dances. He often attended the all male “white stag” dining club, where very bizarre actitives took place…. it is said that Wilhelm took great delight in asking the fellow diners to kneel over a chair, whilst he smacked them on the behind.

man in uniform found here

During the period 1907 to 1909 Wilhelm’s cabinet and entourage was rocked by the Harden-Eulenburg affair, the controversy surrounding a series of courts-martial and five civil trials regarding accusations of homosexual conduct, and accompanying libel trials.

Harden as a young man found here

The affair centred on journalist Maximilian Harden’s accusations of homosexual conduct between Philipp, Prince of Eulenburg-Hertefeld, and General Kuno, Graf von Moltke. Accusations and counter-accusations quickly multiplied, and the phrase “Liebenberg Round Table” came to be used for the homosexual circle around the Kaiser.

Kuno von Moltke found here

The incident which provoked the affair followed on the heels of a public relations gaffe by Wilhelm while on vacation at an estate in the Black Forest. One evening after dinner, chief of the Military Secretariat Dietrich, Graf von Hülsen-Häseler, was performing a pas seul dressed in a woman’s ballet tutu when his heart failed and he died. Ottokar von Czernin, also in attendance, remarked, “In Wilhelm II, I saw a man who, for the first time in his life, with horror-stricken eyes, looked upon the world as it really was.” Despite the Emperor’s fears, the incident, with its implications of homosexuality at high levels, seemed successfully hushed up.

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Between 1906 and 1907, six military officers had committed suicide after blackmail, while in the preceding three years, around twenty officers were convicted by courts-martial, all for homosexual acts

Harden outed Eulenburg in 1907, confirming the identity he previously had parodied as “the Harpist” (Eulenburg), along with “Sweetie” General Kuno Graf von Moltke, in 1906.

“General Sweetie” by Jonathon Meese

Testifying against Moltke were his former wife of nine years, Lili von Elbe, and Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld. Elbe described the lack of conjugal relations, happening only on the first and second night of their marriage, Moltke’s overly close friendship with Eulenburg, and her ignorance of homosexuality. Hirschfeld, based on von Elbe’s comments and his courtroom observation of Moltke, testified that Moltke most certainly had a feminine side and was homosexual even if he had never committed sodomy. On October 29th, the court found Moltke homosexual and Harden innocent.

Hirschfeld co-wrote and acted in this film

Elbe, through a diagnosis of classical hysteria, and Hirschfeld, by retracting his earlier testimony, were discredited and Harden was convicted of libel and sentenced to four months imprisonment. Two weeks later Harden’s conviction was overturned and a second trial begun.

After the first of 41 witnesses, including ten witnesses who described watching Eulenburg through a keyhole in 1887, the trial was delayed because of Eulenburg’s ill health. As Eulenburg’s wife later commented, “They are striking at my husband, but their target is the kaiser.”

Peeping Tom – a seriously scary movie

There was never any evidence that Wilhelm’s and Eulenburg’s relationship went beyond friendship.

two of Boney’s babes

Louis-Napoléon Bonaparte (1808 – 1873), as Napoleon III, was the ruler of the Second French Empire. Dissolute and muddleheaded, he clashed constantly with his frigid wife, Empress Eugenie, who combined a vast ignorance of the world with decided opinions on every facet of foreign policy.

He has a historical reputation as a womanizer, yet he referred to his behaviour in the following manner: “It is usually the man who attacks. As for me, I defend myself, and I often capitulate.”

Among his numerous love affairs and mistresses were:

Mathilde Bonaparte found here

his cousin Mathilde Bonaparte, Maria Anna Schiess, Alexandrine Éléonore Vergeot, laundress at the prison at Ham, mother of two of his sonsElisa Rachel Felix, the “most famous actress in Europe“, Harriet Howard, wealthy and a major financial backer, Virginia Oldoini, Countess di Castiglione – spy, artist and famous beauty, sent by Camillo Cavour to influence the Emperor’s politics, Marie-Anne Waleska, Justine Marie Le Boeuf, also known as Marguerite Bellanger, actress and acrobatic dancer. Bellanger was falsely rumoured to be the illegitimate daughter of a hangman, and was the most universally loathed of the mistresses (though perhaps his favorite) and Countess Louise de Mercy-Argenteau, likely a platonic relationship, author of The Last Love of an Emperor, her reminiscences of her association with the emperor.

Marguerite Bellanger found here

Harriet Howard was his mistress and financial backer for many years. Born Elizabeth Ann Haryett, at the age of fifteen she ran off with Jem Mason, a well-known jockey, to live with him in London. As his red-headed mistress and an aspiring actress she renamed herself Harriet Howard.

Harriet Howard found here

Into Lady Blessington’s London salon one evening in 1846 marched “a little man, four and a half feet high . . . with huge moustaches and pigs’ eyes.” He was Prince Louis Napoleon, pretender to the French throne and newly escaped from the French fortress of Ham, where he had been dumped  for trying to nab the throne. Exiled Louis was in search of a treasure chest from which to subsidize a fresh coup. One of Lady Blessington’s guests, a beautiful “tenth rate” Shakespearean actress known as Miss Howard, had just the chest Louis was after.

Napoleon found here

The destined pair exchanged confidences. Blushing Miss Howard confessed that her life was not free from stain: an evil man had taken advantage of her sweet nature—with the result that, though only 23, she had an illegitimate son in the fashionable London district of St. John’s Wood and at least £1,000,000 in the kitty. His eyes sparkling, Prince Louis forgave Miss Howard. He himself, he confessed, was not without sin. While incarcerated at Ham, he had fathered two sons of the jailer’s daughter—”the fruits of captivity,” he murmured. Then he threw himself at Miss Howard’s feet and knocked her off her bank balance.

more money origami here

For two idyllic years Miss Howard sheltered Louis in her London house, financed his exile’s finaglings and plottings. When Louis Philippe was deposed and France became a republic again, Miss Howard followed her lover to Paris and backed his successful campaign to make himself President. In 1852 her Louis was proclaimed Emperor.

Miss Howard waited patiently for fulfillment of the imperial promises. Instead, one day the Emperor begged his “dear and faithful Harriet” to undertake a special embassy to England. She got as far as Le Havre where, stormbound overnight, she opened a newspaper and read an official announcement of Louis’ betrothal to Spain’s Eugénie de Montijo, Countess of Teba. Bounding furiously back to Paris, poor Miss Howard got a second blow. All the locks in her boudoir had been smashed, the contents of her wardrobe thrown on the floor, her desk’s drawers torn out. The secret police had done such a thorough job that she “no longer possessed a single letter from Emperor Napoleon III.”

Empress Eugenie found here

Virginia Oldoini, Countess of Castiglione (1837 – 1899), was an Italian courtesan who achieved notoriety as another of  Napoleon’s mistresses. She was also a significant figure in the early history of photography.

The Countess was known for her beauty and her flamboyant entrances in elaborate dress at the imperial court. One of her most infamous outfits was a “Queen of Hearts” costume. George Frederic Watts painted her portrait in 1857. She was described as having long, wavy blonde hair, pale skin, a delicate oval face, and eyes that constantly changed colour from green to an extraordinary blue-violet.

Virginia Oldoini found here

n 1856 she began sitting for Pierre-Louis Pierson who helped her create 700 different photographs in which she relived the signature moments of her life for the camera. Most of the photographs depict the Countess in her theatrical outfits though a number depict her in poses risqué for the era — notably, images that expose her bare legs and feet. In these photos, her head is cropped out.

Virginia’s legs found here

Virginia spent her declining years in an apartment in the Place Vendôme, where she had the rooms decorated in funereal black, the blinds kept drawn, and mirrors banished—apparently so she would not have to confront her advancing age and loss of beauty. The Countess’s life was depicted in a 1942 Italian film La contessa Castiglione and a 1954 Italian-French film La Contessa di Castiglione that starred Yvonne de Carlo.


those unhappy Habsburgs

Ferdinand I, (1793-1875) like many royals, was the son of first cousins. His father, Emperor Francis, had a prodigious sexual appetite and married four times. He was known as the “wife killer” as it was rumoured he rogered his first three wives to death with his awesome libido.

Ferdinand found here

Poor Ferdinand was born with a hydrocephalic head and suffered from epilepsy. His tongue was too large for his mouth, making it almost impossible for him to speak coherently though he was once recorded as saying “I am the Emperor and I want dumplings”.

Felt dumpling found here

The Emperor’s idea of a good time was to wedge his backside in a wastepaper basket and roll around the floor in it.

Charles (Carlos) II (1661-1700) of Spain was the product of a marriage between Empress Maria Anna and Emperor Ferdinand III. Maria Anna happened to be her husband’s niece as well as his wife so she was both Charles’ mother and first cousin. 

Maria Anna found here

He was born physically and mentally disabled, and disfigured. Possibly through affliction with mandibular prognathism, he was unable to chew. His tongue was so large that his speech could barely be understood, and he frequently drooled.

Charles II found here

A sickly four year old when he succeeded his father, he reigned for 35 years. When he came to the throne he was still being breastfed by relays of fourteen wet nurses. His first wife spoke of his premature ejaculation, while his second spouse complained about his impotency. The French ambassador even managed to get a pair of Charles’ drawers examined by surgeons for traces of sperm, but the doctors could not agree about their findings.

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Over the years Charles grew steadily worse. He was lame, epileptic and bald at the age of 35. His hair had fallen out, his teeth were nearly gone and his eyesight was failing. In 1698 he had three fits and became deaf. The doctors put freshly-killed pigeons on his head to prevent dizziness and applied the steaming entrails of mammals to his stomach to keep him warm, but he died nevertheless.

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Charles’ successor was Philip V who was unfeasibly oversexed even by the royal standards of the day. He was a religious maniac yet a complete slave to his libido. His minister even said of him “all he needs in life is a couch and a woman“. His first mental breakdown occurred in 1717. He refused to see anyone except his wife, and only saw her because he required sexual intercourse. Philip then kept Marie Louise at his side day and night to such an extent that their bodily functions were made to synchronise.

woman and couch found here

However, four pregnancies, sleepless nights and icy rooms proved too much for Marie Louise. Doctors filed past the dying Queen and examined her from a distance, because etiquette forbade them to touch her. Philip V was not a considerate husband; until the last minute he wanted to enjoy those delights, which he would not know again for a long time. He had to be torn from her deathbed.

Marie Louise found here

Philip’s day was well ordered. He imposed an eccentric timetable on the court, which remained unchanged for most of his reign. The King went to bed about 8 o’clock in the morning, rising at midday to have a light meal. At 1 o’clock he dressed and went to mass, then received visitors, and spent the evening looking out of the window, playing with his clocks, or being read to, until it was time for a musical or theatrical entertainment. Sometime after midnight he called in his ministers to transact business, until 5 o’clock in the morning, when supper was taken with the windows closed.

(world’s most expensive?) clock found here

By 1727 his mental state had deteriorated so badly that his second wife effectively took over the rule of Spain. He refused to change his clothes and wandered the palace in filthy stinking rags, biting his arms and hands while screaming and singing. He suffered from delusions, believing that he could not walk because his feet were of different size. For a while, he believed he had turned into a frog. He spent entire days lying in bed in his own excrement, refusing to have his hair or toenails cut or his beard shaved. Pen and paper were kept out of his reach, because an impulsive abdication was feared. This unhappy life was finally brought to an end by a stroke on July 9th, 1746.

read about the transparent frog here

patience please for the prince

Evangelist Glenn Wilbur Voliva was a disciple of John Alexander Dowie who, in the late 19th century, set up the township of Zion City on the shores of Lake Michigan. Dowie, who had denounced sex, oysters and life assurance, became the victim of a power struggle with Voliva who took over as Chief Administrator in 1905.

more erotic nature to be found here

He gained nationwide notoriety by his vigorous advocacy of flat earth doctrine. He offered a widely publicized $5000 challenge for anyone to disprove flat earth theory. Voliva also frequently predicted the end of the world: his predictions that the end would come in 1923, 1927, 1930, and 1935 were incorrect.

Still from Encounters at the End of the World found here

Lipstick, scanty clothes, high heels and swimming costumes were all strictly forbidden, as were cigarettes and alcohol. There were no theatres or cinemas and no butcher, chemist or doctor was allowed to practice within the city precincts. Nobody was allowed to whistle or sing or drive a vehicle in excess of 5 mph.

Angie Dickinson in scanty clothes and high heels found here

Transgressors were subject to arrest by Voliva’s Praetorian Guard, a regime whose helmets were inscribed with the word ‘Patience’ and who carried miniature bibles instead of truncheons. Punishment included a one hour lecture on sin.

World’s smallest Bible found here

Here in Australia we have our own independent sovereign state ruled by His Majesty Prince Leonard of Hutt.

The Principality of Hutt River was created in 1969 as a province in response to a dispute with the government over what the Casley family considered draconian wheat production quotas.

Prince Leonard found here

In correspondence with the governor-general’s office, Casley was inadvertently addressed as the “Administrator of the Hutt River Province” which, under the application of Royal Prerogative, makes this recognition binding on all courts. After the government threatened him with prosecution, Casley styled himself His Majesty Prince Leonard I of Hutt to take advantage of a law that a monarch could not only not be charged, but that anyone who interfered with his duties could be charged with treason.

image found here

n 1976, Australia Post refused to handle Hutt River mail, forcing mail to be redirected via Canada. Following repeated demands by the Australian Taxation Office for the payment of taxes, on 2 December 1977 the province officially declared war on Australia. Prince Leonard notified authorities of the cessation of hostilities several days later. The mail service was restored and tax requests ceased.

Canada Mail found here

The Principality of Hutt River is situated 517 km north of Perth. Exports include wildflowers, agricultural produce, stamps and coins. Tourism is also important to its economy with 40,000 tourists visiting the principality every year.

Order your Hutt River stamps here

Although actual residents are very few, the principality claims a world-wide citizenry of 13,000. The Principality has no standing army, but a number of its citizens have been awarded military commissions. Honorary guardsmen attend the prince on formal occasions, and despite being completely landlocked, naval commissions have been conferred on supporters of the principality.

Prince Leonard and Princess Shirley found here

Prince Leonard is married to Her Royal Highness Princess Shirley, by whom he has seven adult children. His son, Crown Prince Ian, who is the Prime Minister of the Principality, has been designated as Prince Leonard’s eventual successor as “heir presumptive”.

mad monarchy

The Madness of King George has been well documented but he wasn’t the craziest monarch by any means…

Georgie found here

King Charles VI of France believed he was made of glass and hated travelling by coach as he thought the vibrations would shatter him to pieces.

Maserati covered in shattered glass found here

Queen Juana of Spain so loved her husband Philip she had his body embalmed and took it travelling with her wherever she went.

Queen Juana found here

Princess Alexandra of Bavaria was convinced as a child that she had swallowed a grand piano. Her nephew King Otto once burst into a crowded church wearing a shooting jacket and a deerstalkers hat. He hurled himself face down at the altar, confessing to a long list of sexual misdemeanours involving pageboys. He also thought the best way to preserve sanity was to shoot a peasant a day. His servants would load his pistol with blanks and disguise themselves as peasants who, when fired upon, dutifully dropped to the ground and pretended to be dead.

image found here

Peter the Great of Russia established a Museum of Curiosities to display what he called freaks of nature. The museum’s caretaker was a dwarf with only two fingers on each hand and two toes on each foot. He knew only too well that when he died his own body would be stuffed and put on display with the bizarre collection. Peter was obsessed with dwarfs and held a lavish funeral ceremony with a tiny hearse and coffin drawn by miniature horses when one of his favourites died. For contrast the funeral procession of little people was flanked by 50 extra tall grenadiers. He also employed a French giant who was over 7’6″ tall, and dressed him up like a baby to participate in another dwarf parade. When the giant died, he too was stuffed and added to the museum.

Peter’s collection of teeth found here

did primrose have dandruff?

About 21 years ago, Sydney was rocked by scandal when Qantas steward Lorenzo Montesini (a.k.a. Prince Giustiniani, Count of the Phanaar, Knight of St Sophia, Baron Alexandroff) jilted Miss Primrose (Pitty Pat) Dunlop on the eve of their society wedding in Venice.

Primrose found here

“The fiasco made world headlines. The front page of London’s Daily Mail carried the headline “Heiress jilted as bridegroom runs off with the best man“. And in Italy the Sunday paper Il Gazzettino also carried a front- page story headlined “VIP wedding goes up in smoke – bridegroom disappears with best man”.

Prince Lorenzo found here

Primrose later married a Polish count and Lorenzo, who lived on and off with best man Robert Straub for many years until his death from cancer, is now happily ensconced in a relationship with a fellow Egyptian.

What reminded me of our Pitty Pat and her ill fated wedding was a story I read about Catherine the Great of Russia. Gazing from her window one spring morning, she spotted the year’s first primrose, and to deter anyone from picking it, she posted a sentry to guard it day and night. Sentries continued to patrol the lawn long after the death of both Catherine and the flower, simply because no one rescinded the order. It was some 50 years before Count Bismarck realised that the manpower could be more gainfully employed elsewhere.

Catherine found here

Catherine was also notable for mistreating her hairdresser. When she discovered she had dandruff, she imprisoned the poor man in an iron cage for three years to stop the news spreading around the royal court. Here’s another hairdressing tale that didn’t end well….

A hairdresser from the small Russian town of Meshchovsk subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, then imprisoned and raped him over a period of three days. The incident occurred as the working day was coming to an end, when a man armed with a gun rushed in and demanded the takings.

read about this other Russian hairdresser here

The frightened employees and customers agreed to fulfill his demand, but the shop’s owner, 28-year-old Olga, knocked him down on the floor and then tied him up with a hairdryer cord. The 32-year-old Viktor couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate.

Olga locked the unlucky robber in the utility room and told her colleagues that she was going to call the police – but didn’t do so. When everybody left, she ordered him to ‘take of his underpants’ threatening to hand him over to the police if he refused to cooperate.

patent for these underpants found here

After that Olga raped her hostage for three long days. She chained Viktor to the radiator with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra.  When she eventually let the man go on Monday, he went straight to hospital as his genitals were injured, and then to the police.

Viagra ad found here

What a bastard,” the woman said about Viktor. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1.000 roubles (around $ 30) when he left.”

tiptoe through the teeth

There are several Luna Parks in different parts of the world as well as one here in Sydney.  Ours has had an interesting history since it opened in 1935.

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Through the years there have been quite a few famous visitors, including a certain Prince Philip of Greece, now the Duke of Edinburgh, who disgraced himself in 1945, while on shore leave, when he was escorted out of the River Caves ride after breaking the rules by getting out of his boat.

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The famous entrance face was designed by Rupert Browne. Luna Park has had several artists-in-residence since Rupert’s reign including Arthur Barton, S. John Ross and the infamous Martin Sharp. During Sharp’s residency, several teeth were stolen from the giant laughing face, the thief was never found.

image: Martin Sharp

In 1979 the tragic fire in the Luna Park Ghost Train claimed seven lives. Martin’s work on the Luna Park Face was ruined, and the park’s theme “Just for Fun” lost its meaning. Like many others, Martin firmly believes the fire was a deliberate act of terrorism aimed at destroying the park and establishing alternative interests. The reason for the arson attack is not hard to discern — Luna Park’s unique location on the northern foreshore of the harbour, adjacent to the north-western tower of the Harbour Bridge, made it a prize of inestimable value to property developers.

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Martin Sharp was also responsible for bringing Tiny Tim to Luna Park where he set a new world record for non-stop professional singing – two hours and fifteen minutes. Tiny was best known for his hit song Tiptoe Through the Tulips which he sung in a falsetto voice whilst accompanying himself on the ukulele.  He was also well known for having married his first wife on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show; they named their daughter Tulip.

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Tiny may have had a touch of OCD, he certainly liked rubbing lotion on his skin. He used Eterna 27, Jergen’s body shampoo, Vaseline Intensive Care (yellow bottle) for his upper torso and Vaseline Intensive Care (green bottle) for the lower half. He applied Oil of Olay 8 times a day.

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when busts were déclassé

Norman Hartnell, the Queen’s dressmaker once summed up the shape of the 1920s by saying “If Sabrina (also known as Juliet with a built-in balcony) had lived in those days she would have been obliged to stay indoors.”

Sabrina

The dresses of the twenties involved designers in an arduous struggle against nature. It was the battle of the brassiere in reverse and half the dressmaker’s time was spent in making intricate contraptions of canvas and elastic to be fitted over any busts that showed signs of intransigence.

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Yet according to Beverley Nichols there was one great woman and one great bust whose figure looms large over that period.

“Norman was busy and allowed me to wander around his pleasantly regal establishment in Burton Street. I found myself in a deserted room filled with busts labelled “Countess of X”, “Madame de P” and The Hon Mrs Q”. I realised I was in the most rarified atmosphere of la haute couture. The great ladies of town were all far too busy to come and be fitted in person; when they wanted a new dress the copies of their bust got all the boredom and pin pricks while they roared off to Ascot instead.

Garbo 1920

My eyes lit upon a bust standing all by itself in a corner. It was reverently wrapped in a lot of brown paper, even so, there was something about this object that seemed vaguely familiar. It looked the sort of bust that would stand no nonsense. It had an aura of majesty.

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Then Norman came into the room and I suddenly realised who the bust was. “I say, isn’t that Queen M…..” The name froze on my lips. It was of course, but Norman never discussed his royal clients. To own a bust was considered extremely déclassé; it was worse than a mirror or a mantlepiece and nearly as bad as a lounge.

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Published in: on November 8, 2010 at 7:03 am  Comments (36)  
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