ultimate necessity

It’s mardi gras time here in sin city so I’m leafing through all the associated literature and I find an ad for the Ultimate Health and Hygiene Necessity for Your Lifestyle – the Hyundai Bidet!

“douche yourself in seconds with the Enema Wash feature, Auto Dry ready for action any day any time and end those embarrassing moments during and after sex. the Hyundai Bidet is the ultimate in Health and Hygiene and will improve your Love Life. Be among the thousands of Australians who have experienced the Life Changing Benefits of this fine bidet.”

just what are those embarrassing moments during and after sex that the Hyundai Bidet ends? and Auto Dry ready for action? that sounds kinda unjuicy. but mostly I want to know what the Life Changing Benefits would be so I visited their website…….

My husband used to spend a lot of time on the throne, now I can’t get him out of the bathroom.
“Name Withheld” sent in this testimonial. I’m more confused than ever. Was the “throne” he used to sit on not already in the bathroom? Is “Name Withheld” grateful for this change in habits or is this actually a complaint?

so I checked out the FAQ:

HOW CAN A BIDET IMPROVE MY SEX LIFE?

1/ When cleanliness is an issue, both men and women who want better hygiene before or after sexual activities can utilize our bidet for the cleansing and pulsating massage functions.

Pulsating massage functions….. now you’re talking. Let’s investigate the Health Issues section:

In more than a few ads for bidets, doctors claim the device may even prevent colon cancer, but we have found no study so far that substantiates that.Despite the lack of hard data, it seems reasonable that just the thought of a device that might prevent surgeons from one day removing a substantial portion of your rectum would create a frenzied run on bidets.

Well if the lure of pulsating massage functions doesn’t get you in then the (unsubstantiated) threat of losing a substantial portion of your rectum might.

Putting in the gimcrack’s order now…..

lifestyles of the rich and rabid

Dishing out drugs and discipline at the Gimcrack isn’t the craziest job I’ve ever taken. Back last century I had a short lived career as a PA to the pampered pets of one very rich woman. Basia was so rich that she forked out cash for her palatial home, a mere $7 million back then, it would sell for twice that now. My charges were two miniature schnauzers named Mimi and Fifi.

They mostly dined on leftovers from the rich folk’s table. I fed those pampered pups lobster, sashimi and carpetbag steak….. when there were no leftovers I cooked them Osso Bucco simmered in chardonnay (but I drew the line at gremolta).

I chauffered them to doggie beauty parlour every week and walked them past Nicole Kidman’s house twice a day. Cushy job you say? Ah but there’s a catch. Basia also required a drinking partner for lunch. Do you know how hard it is to trim veal shanks when you’re half plastered on veuve cliquot?

I only lasted four months. Basia went skiing in Klosters and I had to live in her waterfront prison for 3 weeks so the dogs wouldn’t get lonely at night. They slept on either side of me with their heads on my pillow. I could live with the lobster breath but when you wake up with doggy drool pooling in your ear canal you know it’s time to pull the plug.

Basia, Mimi and Fifi have all departed for Rich Folks Heaven now. Gone but not forgotten. I still have the crystal studded step-in harness that Fifi refused to wear. If only one of the  Gimcrack patients were schnauzer-sized……