screw the speculum

nursemyra is always on the lookout for instruments of torture medical instruments. whilst grateful to be living in an era of advanced technology, I have a deep appreciation for the fine craftsmanship of earlier tools such as those featured here

however this speculum does bear more than a passing resemblance to a corkscrew opener.

One of the most spectacular, if fearsome looking, Roman medical instruments is the vaginal dilator or speculum (dioptra). It comprises a priapiscus with 2 (or sometimes 3 or 4) dovetailing valves which are opened and closed by a handle with a screw mechanism. Soranus is the first author who makes mention of the speculum specially made for the vagina.

I’m tempted to speculate that the followers of Soranus may have mistakenly used it to dilate another orifice.

hero true colours

Huzhou Tulip Medical Equipment  has a product they would like me to stock at the Gimcrack. It contains cow penis, excessive sheep, caterpillar fungus and meaty cong jung. I’m not sure if the Australian Customs Department would allow me to import meaty cong, they can be pretty narrow minded about that sort of thing.

It’s a very tempting product as it promises to cure so many of the ailments our patients are prone to:

Premature ejaculation, Penis shoreness, Prostatitis, Long
marriage not educate, Male female could, Spermatorrhoea, Slip
canny, waist enough aching and limp, Loses eye forgetful, middle and old aged body weak impotence, Penis atropht, Sexual desire slows
down wit for manhoodmale

they are particularly prone to loses eye forgetful and old aged body weak impotence though I wasn’t so sure about spermatorrhoea so I decided to see what Dr. Cheena had to say:

Semen loss can exhaust each and every system. So, one must treat semen loss with care to avoid dangerous after-effects. Of course, the incidences of spermatorrhoea are increasing in youths in this fantasy world. The reason behind it may be a polluted mind, due to circumstances and media (books, TV, movies, Internet, etc.). This pollution has made many youths notice mucous discharges, even ejaculation, while watching erotic scenes, sometimes even while talking to glamorous girls.

nursemyra has always strived to bring glamour to the Gimcrack so I am horrified to learn that in so doing I may have been subjecting our patients to spermatorrhoea. so please, in the interests of better sexual health practices for geriatric psychiatry, if you know how I can get some Hero True Colours past our vigilant customs officers notify me immediately.

public servant

nursemyra is concerned that today’s newlyweds are unaware of the dangers that may lie ahead.

so in the interest of public health she is offering free medical examinations to prospective grooms. prospective brides are advised to visit their own gynaecologist as nursemyra’s area of expertise is currently limited to the male reproductive system*

* nursemyra is also qualified in geriatric psychiatry but hopefully that would be irrelevant to this offer.

ultimate fun tool? I think not….

my chivalrous friend  bill blunt  was kind enough to warn me about pocket billiard players when he read my recent post about the game played by Mr Y and the chaplain.

whilst grateful for his concern, nursemyra is a medical professional with access to   weapons of mass destructions   instruments that will curb any unwanted advances.

luckily I have never needed to use this. sometimes the threat is enough….

Cock and Ball Crusher: This piece could not have been made heavier. Made from solid metal, this ball crusher is the ultimate fun tool for every man. As you turn the O shaped edge of the shaft, it moves to touch the end of the rectangle. Use it to hang on the balls or for whatever else, just make sure to add it to your collection of toys.

nursemyra’s fishnets

last night my friend and I were watching sbs. I love this channel on a Friday night because it shows documentaries about sex and last night’s “A Perfect Fake” was riveting stuff.

for those of you who can’t be bothered reading the link, it depicts the creation of very realistic lifesize dolls and the customers who buy them for companionship and sex. some owners arrange their ‘girlfriends’ deshabille and in seductive poses so when they return from a hard day at the office, an upturned near naked bottom is ready and willing to ease the stress.

it appears for now you can only get them in japan though if they become available here I’m sure Gene would be first in line. meanwhile I found melancholy kitties for your amusement. while not lifesize, they are similar to the dolls in A Perfect Fake though they are more kitten-like with less emphasis on the pussy. I don’t want to get an R rating…..

I was trying to find one who best represented nursemyra and unfortunately there is no medical professional on this site. however, nursemyra does possess a large collection of exotic lingerie and stockings so Talullah is my chosen avatar.

Tallulah is a friendly girl. Sometimes a bit too friendly. She’s also very comfortable with herself and her tiny body. It’s difficult to get much conversation from her because she usually begins to undress if she senses she’s being watched for more than a minute or two. She brushes her hair a lot and has a massive collection of stockings. As a matter of fact, when she arrived on our doorstep, she had with her a tiny suitcase full of stockings and nothing else. That might very well be all you need to know about Tallulah.

cleanliness is next to godliness

passing round the collection plate

nursemyra had to place an order for urine bags and enemas today and I’m thinking about changing medical suppliers. a flick through the catalogue revealed a very dismal selection. UBs are pretty dull as a rule, usually made of clear plastic with a tube and an outlet valve. not terribly sexy.

but enema bulbs are considered a fetish item by some. so maybe there’s a manufacturer out there who understands the style dilemma that faces the bladder-challenged and bowel-blocked patients at the Gimcrack

then I came upon these:

and the Gimcrack’s world of continence management just became a little more colourful.

p.s. I love it when I learn something new. until today I was unaware of the existence of inflatable butt plugs. but I guess the inventor saw an opening…..

xenotransplantation

one of nursemyra’s guily secrets is that she is attracted to simian men. if they’re strong, silent, hairy chested, single minded, testosterone fuelled and stinking of pheromones I’m a good chance to be shedding my uniform and peeling their bananas before the day is out.

though I prefer it if Dr. Voronoff hasn’t tampered with them first:

The first successful implant of monkey testicles in a man dates from 1920. A French doctor of Russian descent, Serge Voronoff, performed the operation. By 1930, some 500 men could be found in France with simian testicles. Only the wealthy could afford this operation. It was thought to have a rejuvenating and sexually enhancing effect. The experiment generated ethical objections of all kinds, but most of all people feared that a new kind of half ape would arise. Apart from this, The Anti-Vivisection and Humanitarian Review in February 1930 is very angry about the fact that the doctor was breeding chimps and baboons in a palazzo on the French Riviera.

I know there’s a spank the monkey pun in there somewhere but I haven’t got the balls to tell it…..

making a spectacle of oneself

our patients are always losing things. several times a day they will drop by my desk to ask about missing keys, glasses, mobile phones, wallets and false teeth. we do our best to help find these misplaced items even when they’ve been left in awkward places. It still irks me that we weren’t able to locate the battery from Duc L’Orange’s transistor radio but at least no one can say we didn’t thoroughly search all possible nooks and crannies.

the majority of lost property is found in obvious spots around the Gimcrack. keys and phones are left in the cafeteria. watches and false teeth often turn up in bathrooms. glasses and books tend to accumulate in the library. only once did we have to search a rectum and even then it turned out to be a false alarm.

when trawling the net this morning I came upon a medical journal article about this very problem. it’s another case of someone accidently sitting on a carelessly discarded appliance and ending up at a hopital not dissimilar to ours. don’t click on this link if you’re at all squeamish as the pictures are pretty graphic.

but I would like to bring this excerpt from the report to your attention:

Foreign bodies in the rectum and colon are a well-described phenomenon most commonly seen in association with anal eroticism. Busch and Starling [ ¹² ] reviewed the literature and revealed a plethora of foreign bodies, which have been removed from the rectum. These included a whisky bottle, a light bulb and a magazine. Marks [ ⁶ ] reported a pair of spectacles in the rectum of a 38-year-old man.

I’m trying to picture the scenario. myopic whisky drinker attempts to read a magazine in poor light……..

it’s not the coffin they carry you off in

no gimcrack stories today as it’s the weekend and nursemyra doesn’t want to think about work. yesterday I dropped in at one of my favourite haunts, the local auction house. regettably, there was no sign of the non electric machine but I did see a coffin for sale.

someone had begun to personalise it by painting and decorating but the job had not been finished. perhaps they’d died mid stroke…..

it got me thinking about coffins in general (I’d like a Hello Kitty coffin, thanks for asking) so I did a little search and found a reputable company that creates lovely work like this decorative headstone. they also include pictures on their website of their crafts people hard at work……..

Born in 1965, the company deals with the construction of sarcophagus, cinerary urns and handycraft-items of funeral art with cooperation of experienced art masters. The agenzy boast a particular experience for wath concerns the realization of funeral object.
The choice of hard wood the refines carving and the originaly of decorations are the demostration of it.

Its owners, simple men of good will and talent have given, throught the years, the opportunity to reach the fame of great prestige that new has become the symbol of the company.

coffin making must be hot work but I’m sure she’s doing a splendid job. I wonder if she doubles as a pall bearer in the busy season.