spurred on to the glory hole

some of our patients have the strangest things in their rooms. Mr. J, now deceased, had a puppet which bore more than a passing resemblance to Mr. J himself. the puppet also wore Mr. J’s usual mode of dress – an old fashioned, filthy urine stained union suit or longjohns as they’re now called.

when in the comfort of their room both puppet and master preferred their todger on the outside of the suit so we’d all seen Mr. J’s manhood during periods of rest and recreation and for an old bloke he recreated rather often. when he passed away, we sent the puppet to the crematorium too.

what reminded me of all this was the discovery yesterday of a pair of beautiful ornate spurs in Mr. P’s room.  Mr. P is a retired accountant so I’m presuming they’re not work related though I have met some strange accountants in my time.

like many of our inmates, Mr. P is demented so questions about their origin went unanswered unless his mumbling a few words from “Fiddlers Green” was relevant. so nursemyra decided to abandon her research into elvis costello lyrics and investigate the history of spurs instead.

and that’s how I discovered the Spur Ceremonial dinner conducted in a Mess Hall after a Spur Ride which involves the finer things in life such as bugle calling,  smoking lamps, toasting and points of order:

  1. Following is a list of violations that may be brought forth as a Point of Order:

A.      Anything determined by the head table. 

B.     Improperly worn Spurs. 

C.     Improperly worn Stetson. 

D.     Calling the Stetson a “hat”. 

E.     Out of proper uniform. 

F.      Smoking prior to the lamp being lit. 

G.     Moving from seat without permission. 

H.     Uncharged glass during toasts. 

I.         Making false charges. 

J.       Quibbling. 

K.     Chewing tobacco before the smoking lamp is lit. 

L.      Improper toasting procedure. 

M.     Foul language. 

N.     Harming a Shave Tail.

O.    Spilling of drinks or breakage of glass. 

P.     Inability to respond to being coined. 

Q.    “Tossing your cookies” in the mess.

nursemyra is not one to quibble about rules and regulations. I like to wear full uniform and have access to a charged glass at all times. I won’t be chewing tobacco before or after the lighting of any lamps and have never harmed a shaved tail in my life unless you consider the time I spent searching a rectum for a missing size D battery harmful. I did have nightmares for a week or two after assisting in that surgery so maybe it qualifies.

I may never find out why Mr. P has a pair of spurs in his bedside cabinet but at least I’ve learned to keep the Gimcrack’s batteries in the safe.

Published in: on April 14, 2007 at 4:14 am  Comments (6)  

naughty nurse

shunga_uniman_nurse_biting_hankie_small1.jpg something else I found while continuing my research into elvis costello lyrics. it’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it.

Published in: on April 13, 2007 at 7:50 am  Comments (18)  

illuminati

specula_rectal_vaginal_urethral_illuminated_1899_patent_small.jpg there’s one for every orifice. 165.  A set of electric illuminated rectal, vaginal, and urethral specula that were patented in 1899.

Published in: on April 10, 2007 at 11:29 am  Comments (8)  

my cup runneth over

urology_penis_cupping_crank_model_rb_small2.jpg c. 1900 penis cupping apparatus made of glass and metal. A vacuum is created in the glass tube by turning a crank. The instrument is listed in medical catalogues of the time as a penis congestor and as a penis enhancer ,

Published in: on April 6, 2007 at 1:05 am  Comments (9)  

aural examination

so nursemyra’s been tagged by Harry McFry who thinks her choice of music might reveal what goes on in her evil mind. he’s restricted me to seven choices so you won’t find out too much….

when assisting with an orchidectomy I like Sonic Youth’s Dirty

disinfecting instruments is a job I like to take my time with. Flaming Lips’ Flight Test is about the right tempo

crushing a ganglion with the hospital bible suits Nick Cave’s Red Right Hand

handing out continence pads works well with Beck’s Sea Change

phoning the plumber to come unblock the toilets yet again – Twice the Man by Schvendez

background music during art therapy – Houdini by Perpetual Ocean

Happy Hour – Closed on Account of Rabies – The Poems and Tales of Edgar Allan Poe

make of it what you will. I’m just waiting on the meds to kick in….

Published in: on April 5, 2007 at 9:38 am  Comments (8)  

I saw, I came, I chancred

I couldn’t resist stealing the title of this post from that modern day Caesar himself Final Frontier Editor.

 clean-2.gif

and of course it was the continuing search for Elvis Costello lyrics that led me to this. she looks vaguely familiar as well as squeaky clean but appearances can be deceiving. thank you to the US Army’s public relations machine for this sage advice.

Published in: on April 1, 2007 at 8:41 am  Comments (11)