all your cows are belong to me*

Lizza has asked me to share my extensive knowledge of the male reproductive system with readers of Gimcrack Hospital.

Phallomancy is at best an inaccurate science and those with an interest in it must be prepared to run many blind trials. nursmyra has dedicated much of her precious free time to this pursuit as she believes her experiments will provide a valuable contribution to population control research.

Traditional knowledge of phallomancy has been around for thousands of years in India and Tibet.

The following is an extract from Stars of India: Travels in Search of Astrologers and Fortune Tellers, by Peter Holt, Mainstream Publishing Company, Edinburgh, 1998.
From Chapter 5: “Attacked by a Tibetan Oracle”.

Beginning of Extract:
The Tibetans believe it is unlucky for a man to be over-endowed. He will be a rich and good husband if his penis is no more than six finger widths’ long. But if while squatting, the penis reaches to the bottom of his heels, his life will be full of sorrow.

The Hindus have similar beliefs. According to the Brihat Samhita, a big penis can only mean trouble — the man will be poor and will have no sons. If his member is straight, small and sinewy he will be rich. A penis inclining towards the left indicates poverty. If a man has perfect, matching testicles of the same size he will be a king and if they’re not matching, he’ll be fond of sex. If the glans penis be depressed in the middle, the person will father daughters and be poor; if it is raised in the middle, he will have many cows; if it’s not very large, he will be rich.

Semen is also important. If it smells like honey, the man will be rich; like salt he will be poor; like fish, he will have many children. If it is thin he will have daughters and live in great comfort. Finally, forget the superstud routine if you want a long life. A person whose sexual intercourse lasts  no more than a minute or so will live long, but prolonged bouts of rumpy-pumpy will lead to an early death.

for women wishing to bear and raise children without the irritation support of a husband, I would recommend locating a small, straight, sinewy penis attached to a man who cums quickly with lots of fishy smelling semen.

in the interests of medical science nursemyra wishes to offer comfort and succour to sad men who find squatting uncomfortable. I have no objection to uneven testicles and adore the taste of honey.

only those with raised glans will be considered for my upcoming clinical trial. financial conditions apply, but these can be settled by transferring ownership of your cows to me. participants will be expected to engage in prolonged bouts of rumpy pumpy. there are risks attached so you will need to sign a disclaimer exonerating nursemyra from juducial proceedings if early death results.

* except those belonging to Violet Towne

Published in: on May 13, 2007 at 6:51 am  Comments (21)  

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21 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. if it is raised in the middle, he will have many cows;

    …it would very much be necessary if one hopes to procure such progeny to be first equipped with membership scraping the very ground one walks upon in order to undertake the difficult process of bovine insemination…

  2. I’ve done your test and I’m depressed
    My future seems quite bleak
    The shape is wrong, it’s far too long
    I’ll have to do some sheep.

  3. If the glans penis be… not very large, he will be rich.

    Damn my small glans and salty smelling semen!

  4. This is definitely a Print Out and Keep article, heading for Mrs Blunt’s bedside cabinet tonight. At last, proof positive in our running debate about whether size really matters.
    Thank you once again for your public service, nursemyra.
    If only Mrs B’s fingers weren’t the size of bananas…

  5. Letters: actually I have a story about bovine insemination but it will have to wait for another post

    DaddyP: far too long? is that an inheritable condition?

    Anaglyph: speed reading will get you into trouble (not very large = rich)

    BB: public service is my passion 🙂

  6. This article will make many men very, very happy. And quite a few men very, very sad. Suicidal even.

    Poor, poor men.

    Very enlightening post, Nurse!

  7. a HA! (not the Norwegian 80’s pop group either) I’ve wondered why this unexplainable reluctance on my part to eat asparagus and hollandaise sauce over the past decade.

    My time has come, so to speak.

  8. Damn, and I forogt to make the obligatory remark about the general thrust of this post . . .

  9. As the old deodorant commercial would say: “Raise your glans if you’re Sure!”

  10. Oooh – can I borrow a chair and a pen?

  11. Oh, it’s not speed reading – that’s my usual level of comprehension…


  12. Lizza: well, it was your remark that prompted this post so you must share the credit/blame 🙂

    FFF: asparagus? oh now I get it….

    Renal Failure: Is yours raised now?

    Penfold: come to mama

    Anaglyph: Yes I thought you were being overly modest about the glans 🙂

  13. I seem to have caught the nurse short this time, no pun intended . . . .

  14. FFF: you’ve often caught me short….

  15. Ouch . . . touche’

  16. “If his member is straight, small and sinewy he will be rich.”

    Hmmm… not sure that sounds like an appealing trade-off. Although I guess you can have that fixed these days with those extra dollars!

    What does a sinewy member look like btw anyone?

  17. hmmm…. skinny and tough or strong and vigourous. take your pick 🙂

  18. […] has uncovered this bias against the flat headed penis before while conducting her ongoing phallomancy research. it pains me to think that those so afflicted may miss out on the joys of matrimony so […]

  19. […] patients what attributes they should look for in a man. I usually direct them to this previous lecture but Aristotle has something to […]

  20. […] at the gimcrack gives me lots of opportunity to observe human behaviour. being an expert at phallomancy, breast deciphering and hand reading, I use these tools to supplement my findings. I also use face […]

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