the treat cabinet

nursemyra received a new catalogue in the post today. it was unusual in that it came from Shanghai, most of the catalogues we receive by mail originate in australia.

I glanced through it  and discovered on page 16 a picture of a 2 drawer metal contraption on wheels that looked remarkably like a dressings trolley. confusingly, it was called a Treat Cabinet. the trolley we nurses wheel around the gimcrack contains needles, preinjection swabs, kidney dishes, sterile dressings, gloves, antiseptic solution etc but nothing that remotely fits in to the category of ‘treats’.

the shanghai congyun trade development company would appear to be a compassionate bunch of people. they wish to be

Taking care of your elder gentles and ladies by the products as following

perhaps in shanghai the elder gentles and ladies might consider dressings to be a treat but our patients are rather more demanding and expect items that fall into this category to be either intoxicating, fattening or stimulating which is why our treat trolley (if we had one) would look more like this

 

whip it, whip it good

the gimcrack takes a liberal stance when it comes to addictions. as most of our patients are nearer to the end of their life than the beginning we see no point in making them hang out for their fix. to this end, a non smoker like nursemyra can be persuaded to make a trip up the road to the tobacconist so Fred and Bernie can suck on a cigarette while catching a few rays of vitamin d on the smoker’s verandah. for the ethanol addicted, the local bottle shop delivers alcohol and we host a Happy Hour once  a month. hell, for sex addicts we even provide free hand jobs though not all staff were aware of this.

so despite irrefutable evidence from our Russian colleagues, we probably won’t be initiating whipping therapy as a treatment for addictions.

Russian scientists recommend the following course of the whipping therapy: 30 sessions of 60 whips on the buttocks in every procedure. A group of drug addicts volunteered to test the new method of treatment: the results can be described as good and excellent.

Doctor of Biological Sciences, Sergei Speransky, is a very well known figure in Novosibirsk. The doctor became one of the authors of the shocking whipping therapy. The professor used the self-flagellation method to cure his own depression; he also recovered from two heart attacks with the help of physical tortures too.

”The whipping therapy becomes much more efficient when a patients receives the punishment from a person of the opposite sex. The effect is astounding: the patient starts seeing only bright colors in the surrounding world, the heartache disappears, although it will take a certain time for the buttocks to heal, of course,” Sergei Speransky told the Izvestia newspaper.

It’s interesting to note that Sergei recommends whipping as an antidote to depression. this is a common ailment afflicting dementing geriatrics and nursemyra is partial to wielding a whip though preferably not at ageing wrinkled buttocks. for the health of my patients I will have to try and overcome this aversion but it may take some time.

for the moment I’ll just practise on volunteers between the ages of 30 and 45

how to inject the unwary

now pay careful attention to nursemyra. she wants you to look deeply into the placido. wait until you feel pleasantly confused then move on to the next picture.

try the placido again while I get my tools ready

ok now look at this diagram of two nurses practising bandaging techniques

***

there now. that didn’t hurt a bit did it?

*** many thanks to my friend Beach Bum who surfed over with this previously undiscovered picture of nursemyra and her bandage coach

casual spring friday

after enduring a few weeks of nasty winter weather nursemyra is anticipating the arrival of Spring

the importance of fibre

as the body ages, a lot of things slow down or don’t work so well. the gimcrack’s recent gastro outbreak loosened quite a few ageing backed up bowels in a most unpleasant manner but that’s all behind us now.

unfortunately, some patients have once again found themselves in a clogged up state despite our nagging to drink more fluids and eat more prunes and above all to stop straining as it aggravates those nasty haemorroids. I’ve even threatened them with using this:

of course, it will only help the milder cases. when there is no alternative left nursemyra books them in with Dr. Faustus who uses an ancient and effective instrument with 100% success. but please, take nursemyra’s advice, eating fibre is a lot less painful

oligophagous ollie

a few of our patients have weight problems. with those who are underweight we can supplement their food with protein shakes but the overweight are more difficult to treat as they’re usually sneaking food between meals.

one such secret gorger is ollie, who eats double helpings of meat at every meal which could mean bacon for breakfast, maybe steak and chips for lunch and a slab of shepherds pie for dinner. his fridge looks like a mini charcuterie and he set the fire alarms off once by using a george foreman grill balanced on the toilet cistern to whip up a brace of chops for a midnight snack.

he orders in ribs and burgers and “meat lovers pizza” when he needs a snack and being a good aussie bloke, washes it all down with a couple of schooners of beer. he probably couldn’t get away with this in a regular hospital but our patients are encouraged to view the gimcrack as a hotel with medical assistance and ollie wants to be master of his own destiny.

he’s already finding it hard to move around much and quite frankly, if he fell over I’m not sure our mechanical lifter is strong enough to get him back up so drastic measures may be called for. he needs to lose about 50 kilos in a hurry so I’m sending off for this authentic medical treatment first thing tomorrow…….

at last! a use for faeces

some days it seems as though the gimcrack is awash with faeces. though nursemyra is in the fortunate position of not having to deal with any of the patients’ bodily waste products, there are still plenty of aural and olfactory clues to remind me that not all of it is initially deposited in a toilet.

luckily, on the other side of the world, some plucky Iranians ran a study that may have uncovered an acceptable use for the faeces that formicates in our hallways

Human faeces can contain significant B12. A study has shown that a group of Iranian vegans obtained adequate B12 from unwashed vegetables which had been fertilised with human manure. Faecal contamination of vegetables and other plant foods can make a significant contribution to dietary needs, particularly in areas where hygiene standards may be low. This may be responsible for the lack of aneamia due to B12 deficiency in vegan communities in developing countries.

Of course, one would need to consider those of our patients who find the thought of ingesting human faeces with their beetroot somewhat unpalatable. perhaps we could make savoury jello which is a popular item on the gimcrack’s menu. after all,  they’ve already shown willingness to eat cow’s hooves…..

floating action

bloomers are the answer

nursemyra’s employer has been toying with the idea of new uniforms. as a supervisor, nursemyra can wear whatever she damn well wants  but for the health of the patients the competition staff must dress modestly. Lydia of Purple creates fetching feminine attire that looks perfect for the gimcrack:

 For some of you new to modesty, bloomers are the answer. little girls quickly became young ladies and bloomers are the answer to climbing ladders, doing farm chores and horseback riding.

 

 A modestly dressed lady will turn fewer men’s heads. For this reason we DO NOT sew: sleeveless, slit skirts, mid-rifts, low cut neck lines, or low backs. We apologize if this offends anyone but our goal is to help both ladies and men keep from inciting lasciviousness (wrong lusts). We view this as a sewing ministry and only want to plant good seeds.

nursemyra is very impressed with Lydia’s line of thinking as there’s a lot of ladder climbing and horseback riding to be done in our hospital though not so many farm chores.

however the main reason she is drawn to Lydia’s site is her laudable goal of keeping others from inciting lasciviousness as past readers know what effect this can have on the patients.

tomorrow I will submit my recommendations to the uniform committee. in the meantime, nursemyra and her fellow supervisors will continue to adhere to the dress code you all know and love so well

netsuke not nurse #2