thyroid thatch

nursemyra has an assistant whose job it is to direct visitors, field enquiries and keep smelly leaky patients from pissing me off interrupting my important work. lately she’s been experiencing some health problems of her own, resulting in a trip to the doctor and several tests.

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her symptoms were hair loss, hoarse voice, feeling cold and lacking energy which could have been caused by many things but it turned out to be hypothyroidism. she’ll have to take meds on a daily basis but otherwise things will be fine.

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if she’d presented with these symptoms 120 years ago she may have tried Dr. Scott’s electric treatment. for hair loss there was an electric brush, an electric belt for voice loss and insoles for cold feet

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but all these treatments are quite benign when compared to electrified tooth care

“M. Francis (of Philadelphia) has announced that Faradization of teeth renders their extraction infinitely less painful, after assessing the results of a large number of trials of this method of anesthesia. A dentist of Geneva recommends attaching the dental key or forceps to the negative lead of a medical induction coil, while the patient holds the positive electrode in his hand. The tooth should be extracted immediately after the application of the electrified forceps.”

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thankfully thyroxine will soon restore my assistant’s luscious locks. which is just as well because I’d hate to see her with cum in her hair wouldn’t you?

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Published in: on February 12, 2008 at 7:36 am  Comments (21)  

30 day trial offer

regular readers know I am always on the lookout for ways to improve the sexual health of my patients. jesus has helped in the past and now through the auspices of liberated christians incredible orgasms are just a click away

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the Sybian was invented by David Lampert

David is a perfectionist and likes to solve problems – often awakening at 3AM with a solution to a problem.

The female will learn how to have better and bigger orgasms. She will literally explode.

hopefully they mean figuratively. we have enough mess to clean up at the gimcrack as it is

Liberated Christians believes everyone should have a Sybian available and experience the sexual euphoria that God designed women to enjoy. The regular retail price of Sybian is $1,395. Liberated Christians offers it for “only” $1,345.

You can try Sybian for a full 45 days and if not completely sold on its value, return it for only a $125 reconditioning fee.

yes it is expensive but you can just HIRE one for a trial period. I’ll need to write a convincing proposal before head office will hand over the funds but I think it’d be worth it. hell, they’re so good people even steal them

NOTICE OF STOLEN SYBIAN on 731/03  WITH A SERIAL NUMBER (on the bottom) 8477
If you buy a used Sybian check the serial number – It has been stolen and wants to come home. So sad we have such creeps around  – If found contact
dave@davephx.com

the other thing we need at the moment is a projection screen because a lot of staff lectures we attend use powerpoint presentations. so what’s the verdict readers, projection equipment for the staff or a sybian for the patients?

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Published in: on February 11, 2008 at 7:00 am  Comments (24)  

mount a footstool

nursemyra is still reading the household physician which has some interesting advice about exercise.

First. The first lesson, and most important, is walking correctly. Put the body in the correct position, walk slowly with head erect, shoulders back, lungs full of air, chin high and far back, abdomen in, and hands at sides. In this position bend the body forward at the belt line; take long steps and turn the feet outward. This will give you the fashionable carriage which is both feminine and pretty. This exercise should be practiced for at least ten minutes daily.

Second. With a wand in your hand, mount a footstool. This exercise consists in balancing, first on one foot, then upon the other, at the same time raising and lowering the wand high above the head.

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Third. The bending exercises must be taken up cautiously. Women who are delicate should not bend more than two or three times at a lesson. The exercises consist of walking or running around the room on all fours and bending backward until the hands almost touch the floor if possible, if not, as far as you can; of bending forward until the palms of the hands lay flat upon the carpet, and of swaying far to one side, then to the other.

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my suspicions about the evils of exercise have just been confirmed

Published in: on February 9, 2008 at 8:12 am  Comments (19)  

ripped red friday

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this is a really old corset which has started to rip in places but it still does a sterling job of cinching, lifting and bolstering.
I always tell my female patients who complain about their less than perfect bodies – get yourself to a corsetiere.  Gallery Serpentine in Sydney has some fabulous styles if you’re looking for inspiration (and no this isn’t a paid plug, I just love their handiwork)
Published in: on February 8, 2008 at 9:09 am  Comments (26)  

flagitious feet

when I was researching Ezekiel I found a few more superstitions that were new to me. one of these was a treatment for fainting: let the patient smell his left shoe while rubbing his right hand. I’m ok with the hand rubbing but there’s no way I’m touching the shoes of any of our inmates.

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(none of our patient’s feet look like these art works by Franco Saudelli)

while looking for appropriate images I found this site that offers a magic formula that may cure athlete’s foot

Athlete’s Foot or smelly feet, can be cured quite easily. We have a magic formula and an easy to follow regime.  All we ask, is that you click on 5 [ FIVE] of the Ads on this page and then email us.

We will check our weblogs, to see if you have clicked on the Ads and had a look at the Ad-Pages, at around the same  time with your ISP, and then we will send you details of the regimen which is reasonably harsh and we accept no liability. 

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a cure that will be revealed after clicking on internet ads? magicians aren’t what they used to be are they?

there are lots of remedies on the market for smelly toes and other body parts such as an anti odour yarn manufacturer who claims “seven metres of his cloth can kill the odour of one armpit”. that’s a helluva big straitjacket.

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I think we’ll just use the old tried and tested methods for reviving a fainter. lie them down and elevate their feet. and try to avoid inhaling because not everyone has access to a magic formula

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image sourced here (along with magic spells for experienced or adventurous practitioners 🙂 ……….

 

Published in: on February 7, 2008 at 7:19 am  Comments (20)  

your mother’s tongue

I don’t generally do memes though I succumbed once* before so that proves I can be persuaded every six months. the woeful librarian has tagged me to open a book at page 123 and post the 6th, 7th and 8th sentences. the book I have chosen is Your Mother’s Tongue – a Book of European  Invective (we love our invectives at the Gimcrack)

“In Portugal, one way of saying ‘a likely story’ is to recite the little rhyme

Bonito, bonito, sao os colhones a bater no pito (Beautiful, beautiful, the balls banging against a cunt).

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These expressions manifest an awareness, arrived at with some reluctance, that although the most important thing in the whole world is what a man has between his legs, it helps if he has something else between his ears. Even if it’s just a little one.”

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I’m supposed to tag five people but I can’t bring myself to do so. if you’d like to participate in this meme, consider yourself tagged.

* well whaddya know, apparently I’ve done two memes in the past.

Published in: on February 5, 2008 at 7:22 am  Comments (9)  

beware the chance acquaintance

nursemyra’s job description includes overseeing the maintenance of the gimcrack. this means I have a bevy of tradesmen at my beck and call as every time a patient dies or moves to a nursing home we renovate the room completely. sometimes we tender out work so we get a bunch of testosterone fuelled tradesmen dropping by to evaluate the hot nurses job.

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a representative from a plumbing firm came in today to do a quote. he seemed to be under the impression that he was irresistible to the opposite sex. stepping into the lift, he  did a blatant eyeball of nursemyra’s uniform and the witty banter began.

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I won’t bore you with the double entendres about pipes, cracks and plungers. what really lost him the job was “you look like the kind of girl who’d appreciate a ride in a fast car. can I take you for a spin in my porsche?”

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Published in: on February 4, 2008 at 8:52 am  Comments (22)  

food for thought

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the household’s physician splits old age into stages (declining, incipient, ripe and decrepit) and advises readers as they pass through all four stages to keep up the habits of a lifetime

It is seldom that any change of habit, long indulged, is well borne by the aged. So true is this, that the attempt to correct some habits of evil tendency is sometimes dangerous to the old. The discontinuance of the habitual use of spirit, or tobacco, or opium, by an old person, though their use is of acknowledged evil tendency, will frequently prove fatal.

Wine, etc: If any persons in the world may indulge in a little wine for their stomach’s sake, it is the old. When the feeble vitality of the aged seems to require it they should be encouraged to use it.

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On going to bed they should be warm; and on very cold nights should have a hot water bag at their feet. The communication of animal heat, particularly from the young, is better even than this to support the vital energies of age; and some writers have recommended that the vital warmth of the old should be kept up by letting the young of our own species sleep with them***

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you can see more of Will Cotton’s gorgeous cloudy beds here

*** it didn’t work for J. Howard Marshall did it? my advice is stick with the hot water bottles. and don’t give granny an electric blanket. there could be a nasty accident if her continence pad overflowed.

Published in: on February 3, 2008 at 6:40 am  Comments (13)  

blue velvet friday

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nursemyra had a small accident today. I was doing the gimcrack’s banking at the local shopping centre when I slipped on a wet floor. as my legs went from under me (yes reverend anaglyph, I’ve fallen yet again) all I could think was “uh oh, this could be REALLY embarrassing, being corset friday and all…………

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luckily, the skirt I wore to work was not as short as this one so the dozens of people who witnessed my ungainly crash to the floor were spared the knowledge that nursemyra was not wearing any underwear. I am, however, now sporting a remarkably drab flesh toned pressure bandage to support my bruised and swollen arm

Published in: on February 1, 2008 at 10:30 am  Comments (26)