poxy competition

back in 1497 they had funny ideas about how to treat syphilis. one of the first signs that a person had caught this disease was the appearance of an ulcer on the genitals. Bishop Gaspare Torrella recommended that these pustules “be sucked by some person of low condition”. after the poison was drawn, the penis was washed and wrapped around with a live flayed chicken, pigeon or frog.

foul tasting and dangerous panaceas containing mercury were also popular. it came in many forms, often as an ointment and anti venereal underpants, coated with mercury, became available in 17th century Italy. condoms were in vogue, not to prevent pregnancy but to escape a dose of the pox. here’s a recipe from 1824 for a sheep gut condom

Soak a sheep’s intestine caeca in water for a number of hours, then turn inside out, and macerate them again in weak alkaline, changed every 12 hours. Scrape them carefully to remove the mucous membrane, leaving the peritoneal and muscular coats, and expose them to the vapour of burning brimstone. Then wash them in soap and water, inflate them, dry them and cut to a length of seven to eight inches. Finally, border the open end with a ribbon to tie round the base of the penis, and before use soak the condom in water to make it supple.

modern condoms are made of a much thinner material than sheep gut. advertising agencies go to great lengths to promote them as a pleasure and performance enhancing fashion accessory and nursemyra also advocates the use of condoms as an important part of healthy sexual practices. some time ago I ran a little competition for the best mondegreen or malapropism, now I think it’s time for another competition.

leave a limerick or a joke about condoms in the comments and the best three will get a prize. I can’t guarantee it will be as exciting as the “Continence Helpline Fridge Magnet” that kyknoord won last time but it will be hand picked by your very own nurse…..

Published in: on May 12, 2008 at 8:41 am  Comments (37)  

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  1. That is mean – there are very few rhymes for “Condom” so I used a “hanging” syllable aftger the “Con” part. Enough technicalities – – –

    My sex life has soared like a condor
    With girls lining up at my condos
    There’s only one rule
    Because I’m no fool
    I tell them to bring their own condoms!

  2. brilliant archie, you’re definitely in the running

  3. My turn!!!!! *ahem* *cough*

    If in the mood always use rubber
    Good quality of course, not flubber
    If you haven’t got one
    To avoid that darned bun
    In the oven, then better just rub ‘er

  4. I see it’s going to be a fierce competition 🙂

  5. I try to avoid anyone of “low condition” sucking on me. I also gave up my mercury bloomers in favor of cotton Calvin Klein boxer briefs… The mercury chafes me.

  6. I try to avoid anyone of “low condition” sucking on me. I also gave up my mercury bloomers in favor of cotton Calvin Klein boxer briefs… The mercury chafes me.

  7. What do you call a corduroy contraceptive? A groovy kinda love!

    What do you call a Russian contraceptive? A little red riding hood.

    And an orginal:

    In rain, sun and all kinds of weather
    Our dolce likes her men in black leather
    Or nothing at all
    (in the spring or the fall)
    but a condom and a chrome studded teather


    don’t think about showing your cock
    to our lass in the red coloured frock
    she’ll cut off your todger
    you dirty old codger
    for thinking about sex without sock


    Our Dolce could warble all day
    about the joys of wild and wet play
    but only, of course
    with a raincoat on source
    a *must* for a roll in the hay

    I could go on, but work beckons *sigh*

    I’ll leave you with condom Naaiku (in SA, we call a shag a “naai”. And of course, the japanese artform of haiku is delicious)

    mouth and finger tips
    slowly roll down the latex
    rubberized foreplay

  8. I’m not worth of these competitors, but here goes:

    If your man becomes a gloomy gus,
    When given a condom does cuss,
    He should not be a toad
    When launching that load,
    To prevent his dong squirting…

    No. I can’t finish it… May try again later when I’m more awake…

  9. I can’t limerick worth a damn, so i’ll ask a question instead.

    Wasn’t one cure, like, late in the 19th century, to dip the affected penis into the vagina of a virgin? The belief was something to do with the belief that a clean, unaffected feminine pudendal grip would somehow cleanse the pox away.

    There’s all these stories of young virgins being sold into prostitution, and the sinister suggestion that gentlemen would pay highly for the right to access them first. The assumption was that the breaking of the hymen had some sort of fetishist power. It turns out, though, that the high price was more for the medicinal value of the unvented vag.

    Sadly, this meant that the young lass had the occupational distinction of carrying some dread venereal disease from day one.

    It was probably best to be a non-virgin, when becoming a prostitute in Victorian London.

    Let’s all remember that, next time there’s some sort of time accident in Engineering, ok?

  10. Before a wise man humps
    He securely covers his stump
    With sheep goo or rubber
    It’s good for his lover
    If neither wants a case of the bumps

  11. Gullybogan (not a Ferntree gully, by chance?)

    sadly, in South Africa, a lot of superstitious shite still lurks about. Including a lot of terrifying stuff about sex with a virgin curing AIDS. Which has resulted in a lot of rape, particularly of young girls, even children and babies. The horror in the uneducated corners of the world still persists.

  12. there’s some stiff competition for a nursemyra prize. unlike my previous competition you can enter as many times as you like – jokes as well as limericks…..

    I expect to see a few more entries when I get home tonight so put on your thinking rubbers people 🙂

  13. my sex life ain’t what it oughtta
    it is the fact I have a teenage daughta
    I know when I do
    they will be random and few
    But condoms are definitely on orda

    boom boom 😀

  14. ha ha you’re definitely in the running!

  15. lol 😀

  16. When your member is swollen and fir-m
    A condom will help stop the ger-m
    But since latex is thin
    Before you begin
    You’d be wise to ease off on the SPUR-M

  17. The ladies are now crying “Hubba!”
    When hubby now puts on his rubber.
    Much better is sex
    Since boring latex
    Has been upgraded to flubber*

  18. “You can’t put that in without wrapping”
    She said as his member was tapping
    But without tool shrink-wrap
    His blue balls took a nap
    Til he spanked while she thought he was …

    oh, rats. can’t finish this one either. really need sleep.

  19. df, the word you needed was “napping”!

    Now hot daisyfae is asleep
    I’ll just have a lewd little peep
    I’ll lift up the covers
    Like I’ve done with others –
    But condomless I’ll only weep!

  20. there’s some stiff competition for a nursemyra prize.

    Hahahaha. Pun intended? (I’m sure ’twas.)

    Bishop Gaspare Torrella recommended that these pustules “be sucked by some person of low condition”.

    …and when the good Bishop farted, said “low person” muttered, “Please sir, don’t make my job disgusting!”

    No limericks here – don’t have that creative bent for witty words.

  21. My, but we are talented bunch of very twisted people. I don’t envy Nurse Myra having to judge this contest.

  22. The fridge magnet was a wonderful prize. I honestly don’t know how you’re going to top that.

    There are myriad forms of disease
    You can catch with the greatest of ease
    But rubberised socks
    Will stave off the pox
    And also prevent the baybeez

  23. A clever inventor from Crewe
    made a condom that varied its hue
    It turned Green up a fanny,
    went red up a trannie
    and up a lad’s bottom went blue

  24. A really mean fellow named stu
    patched up an old condom with glue
    While having a fuck
    his willie got stuck
    and he thought “Darn, I should have brought new”

  25. Oh sweet mother of shiva. Why hasn’t someone told me about this blog sooner? I feel soooooo cheated.

  26. I should be working on my business but I’m sitting here thinking up rhymes involving johnies instead. Curse you Nurse Myra!

  27. jeepers creepers, annie is right, how the hell to pick a winner with all these great entries. at least the king of limericks, Ian from Letters Home, is away in Paris so I don’t have to contend with several from him as well.

    Ist prize: Dolce
    2nd prize: Xoggoth
    3rd prize: Archie

    so quick guys – before I change my mind and award the prizes to daddyp or anaglyph – send your snail mail addresses to me at the email below and I’ll post you something suitably gimcracked

    thanks everyone for joining in the fun xx

  28. ooops


  29. Oh man, the contest is over?

    Had a good laugh with the entries. Congratulations to the winners. 🙂

  30. sorry lizza, I had to put an end to it because I was getting too many fantastic entries. the choice was hard enough as it was…..

  31. Dolce is a very deserving winner – hurrah

  32. GREAT entries, and a difficult choice, but all clearly deserving winners!

    archie – the word would have been “crapping”. and i’d be nice enough to let you touch, even without wrapping 😉

  33. Can I suggest that those who enjoy reading and composing limericks should look into the newsgroup alt.jokes.limericks where there are a number of evil-minded practitioners of the art.

  34. *big grin*

  35. hopwfully you’ll grin even more when your prize arrives 🙂

  36. […] post info By Dolce Categories: *grin* Tags: Alex Lloyd, dorks, DW, fuzzy bits, gorgeous, Nurse Myra, prizes, pussy Aaah.  So how apt is it, that just as I’m preparing* for my first DW in a long, loooooooong time, I receive my prizes from Nurse Myra  for her much fun limerick competition. […]

  37. […] last time nursemyra ran a competition was in May so another one is overdue. daisyfae left a comment on practically joe’s blog about having a […]

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