a bum’s rush for the anal probe

nursemyra has trouble accepting that middle age is not around the corner, it’s actually here. working at the gimcrack means I see aging bodies breaking down in a number of ghastly ways so recently I switched into body maintenance mode. No, I haven’t gone as far as to adopt a serious exercise routine but in the last month I’ve had my eyes and teeth checked and a long overdue pap smear.

Stephen died when cancer destroyed his lungs but it had originally started in his colon. right now my ex-husband is recovering from surgery which has left him with a colostomy bag and azahar is currently battling colon cancer too. so for my posterior’s sake I rocked up to a proctology appointment today.

Dr Diggler was already running behind time when I entered his consulting room at 9.45. a moment of small talk followed by an invitation to remove clothing meant my naked bottom was on his couch by 9.49. I was only given about 45 seconds to enjoy the gloved finger (who says women don’t have a prostate?) before being introduced to the sigmoidoscope.

nursemyra had read up on what to expect so when I wasn’t asked to fast or drink anything special before my appointment I thought I’d be getting the rigid sigmoidoscope. At a rumoured 9.8 inches I wasn’t sure whether I should be excited or terrified but as it turned out I was neither. He used the flexible type which was not so much fun for me but apparently was good for him as he kept murmuring “beautiful, beautiful” as the video camera revealed no polyps or piles or any of those other nasties that hide out in rectal recesses.

so approximately 8 and a half minutes after making his acquaintance, nursemyra found herself fully dressed and handing over a credit card to Dr Diggler’s secretary. I paid $140.00 for the consultation and another $80.00 for the anal probe. It’s the first time I’ve undressed for a man in over a year and he charges ME $220.00!

perhaps the aliens had temporarily transported me to some parallel universe where everything was round the wrong way. let’s hope this is not a permanent state of affairs – it could make for a very surprising corset friday shot tomorrow…..


Published in: on September 11, 2008 at 10:39 am  Comments (30)  

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30 CommentsLeave a comment

    What’s your son’s website?

  2. I can’t put the link up here – he’d kill me. I emailed it to you a couple of days ago, check your junk mail or email me rocky@geko.net.au

  3. oh, my… a reminder that i am due to pay for digital butt sex soon. Did you ask for pictures from the probe? i want some to frame and put on my desk! Especially if there’a polyp that needs to be removed… i can sit it on the desk, and cry when anyone asks about it… telling them that it’s a part of me that is lost forever *sniff, sniff*

  4. I would be only too happy to probe any orifice of your choosing, for absolutely no charge, m’dear.

    No, no. There is no need to thank me. I am just doing my duty.

  5. Only eight and half minutes? I bet I could go eight minutes and 45 seconds easy.

  6. Since no one else has said it i’ll be the first, i would’ve done if for free, still glad to hear you have a healthy, happy colon.

  7. I think I might be OK with paying the money if someone was going to murmur “beautiful, beautiful” about THAT particular area of my person.

  8. This reminded me of Chevy Chase in Fletch – “Hey Doc, do you have your whole fist in there?” (or something like it).

  9. At least the doctor didn’t break out his sketch book…

  10. I am in denial that it’s time for me to get all these tests done. The old cliché is that men hate going to the doctor. Well, it’s true, but you post is full of cautionary tales.

  11. Sometimes you get the probe, sometimes the probe gets you.

  12. …or I fought the probe and the probe won.

    thanks don. I’ll have that song in my head all day now

  13. I have nothing to say.

    cat got your tongue my friend?

  14. Provocative… had the colonsocopy; Doc took out a pollop and left a tatoo so he could find the spot again- it was my first ever and I asked for an anchor; could have been the drugs. Watched the start on TV with the attendants… why did they turn on the camera before the train went into the tunnel? I felt like a TV star, like Jimmy Smits.

    Recently other Doc spontaneously decided I needed a digital (not analog) prostate exam. Asked if it was OK in front of young female osteopathic student. Who am I to say no? One minute I conversing with two adult strangers, next he’s wiping up the K-Y and I’m asking if it’s OK to pull up the shorts. The only question I’m left with is how come my posts are so much longer than everyone else’s? Nurse, your story was much warmer.

    Ben Dover

  15. he left you with a tattoo? I wonder how many Republicans are walking around with tattoos up their arse after a polyp removal…. there’s a political post in there somewhere 🙂

  16. As one who is on the wrong end of the colonoscope more frequently than most folks due to my father’s history of colon cancer, I can only say, “Well done.”

  17. I was offered the chance of a colonoscopy as well but turned it down. I’m only prepared to go so far in the name of body maintenance 🙂

  18. rectal health probes are not part of common health checks over here…. at least I don’t think they are ??

    Yep middle age is here and I too deny it (no hot flushes yet so it ain’t happening)… the only thing that makes me feel middle aged is the fact that men in their later life give me the eye where as younger men don’t…. bugger!!

  19. I think any ol’ GP will do a digital check if asked but you have to go to a specialist for a colonoscopy or sigmoidoscopy. that’s why they charge so much for the pleasure…

    though I do get about half the money back through Medicare. we have a pretty good health system over here luckily

  20. I always give cougars the eye.

  21. I had to have a rectal exam once… not the best thing in the world is it. Anyway glad its all good and healthy.

  22. Just feeling a little disenfranchised after reading what that bastard doctor did.

  23. OMG! Dr. Dixon. My Primary care physician. He played basketball in college and has the biggest friggin fingers I’ve ever seen. I must say though … he is very gentle.

  24. It’s the first time I’ve undressed for a man in over a year and he charges ME $220.00!


  25. I had a rectal probe done about a year and a half ago after a serious bout of gastroenteritis and asked if I could also have a colonoscopy (a friend of mine kept telling me that everyone over 50 should have one). So I was given a referral to a specialist but somehow I never got around to making that appointment. And now I’ll never know if it would have made any difference to my present condition.

    So for anyone considering having this done, I recommend you don’t put it off.

  26. ah azahar, you don’t want to travel down the “what if” road too often. Stephen’s GP misdiagnosed his symptoms nearly a year before the cancer was diagnosed. And the radiographer and oncologist both missed the metastasized cells on his first scan after surgery, though when the cells had grown by the time he had his second scan 3 months later it was noticed they had been there all along.

    I’ve spent many nights thinking “what if….” and all it does is make things worse. Stay strong. I’ll be thinking of you on the 22nd.

  27. Dr Diggler was already running behind

    Interesting choice of phrase…

    Hi, NM!!!


  28. I popped that in just for you Abbadon 🙂

  29. It’s almost time for all of my lovely little exams and approaching 40 I’m sure they’ll add a new screening each year.

    It’s best to catch things early!

  30. don’t forget the mammogram.

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