when I am an old lady I shall wear purple

ok it’s t-shirt friday – no word yet on who’s playing along. Stephen bought me this t-shirt in New York. it’s also what I was wearing while holding him when he died. my son’s then-boyfriend had packed a little bag for me while I was living in at the hospice and this was in it. first time I’ve worn it since and I’ll probably exchange it in a minute for something cooler as it’s 35 degrees in sydney today. so stephen this one’s for you. as you once wrote to me…. “love you, miss you, just want to kiss you”

I hope everyone I mentioned last week is posting their photographs soon and I’ve heard rumours that there will be at least one new entrant…… c’mon people the nurse is waiting 🙂

first cab off the rank : Dolce

now Sylvie’s is up too plus Silverstar’s and Daisyfae’s

it’s saturday morning now for me but presumably still friday in other parts of the world. 70s has posted hers and so has Miss…..

hump this

we’re back to the perfumed garden for advice on a delicate matter

In the case of the man being obese and the woman being thin, the best course is to let the woman take the active part. To this end, the man lies down on his back with his thighs close together, and the woman lowers herself upon his member, If she knows how to move, she can rise and sink upon it; if she is not adroit enough, the man imparts a movement to her buttocks by the play of one of his thighs behind them. But if the man assumes this position, it may sometimes become prejudicial to him, inasmuch as some of the female sperm may penetrate into his urethra, and grave malady may ensue.

I will now speak to you of sex with those who are little, in consequence of being humpbacked.

First, there is the man who is crookbacked, but whose spine and neck are straight. For him it is most convenient to unite himself with a little woman. Placing himself behind her posterior, he thus introduces his member into her vulva. If the woman be afflicted with a hump and the man is straight, the same position is suitable. In the case of a man whose malformation affects only his neck, he can take any position he likes for doing the business. If the woman is lying on her back, he will appear in action as if he were butting at her like a ram. The most convenient position for them will be that the woman should stoop down, and he attack her from behind. If a little woman is lying on her back, with a humpbacked man upon her belly, he will look like the cover over a vase.

It is said that there are women of great experience who, lying with a man, elevate one of their feet vertically in the air, and upon that foot a lamp is set full of oil, and with the wick burning. While the man is ramming them, they keep the lamp steady and burning, and the oil is not spilled. Their coition is in no way impeded by this exhibition, but it must require great previous practice on the part of both.

hey shortarse

the people at demandby.com promise to make you taller without popping pills or worrying about side effects. all you have to do is slip one of their reflexology insoles inside your shoe

Kimi Height Increaser can enhance the thickening of the cartillage at the knee joint areas so that you may grow taller and have height increase. Thus the application of KIMI™ helps you lose fat, gain muscles, grow bigger, stronger, and taller all at the same time

these people make elevator shoes or “height enhancing footwear”. and they say that Kimi and her sister product Yoko are both scams. false claims in advertising are nothing new. but would you buy a product from someone called Dr Minges? or is it only in australia that minge means pussy?

some people still believe you can achieve more height by stretching exercises but there is no proof of this, no matter what method is used

for the vertically challenged, there are sites that give advice on sexual positions when one partner is short and the other tall.

Spoon position
Straight Version: While you’re lying behind her, you can slip your penis inside her and enjoy a soft, smooth motion of penetration while her back’s to you. Your body doesn’t have to be pressed up against hers; you can opt to form yourselves in a Y position instead.

Gay Version: Both partners lying on their sides means you can focus on the sensations of a gliding penetration without distraction. To avoid hot breath on the back if the top is significantly shorter, you can opt to form a Y position.

I’m impressed with the writer’s political correctness, especially as he says his 12 year marriage provided the inspiration for this article….. guess his wife’s hot breath on his back was not a problem……

 

put a frog on your frog

the cantharidin in the pretty green spanish fly has been used for medicinal and erotic purposes for centuries. fortunately, with the development of viagra, men are less inclined to experiment with these and other dangerous compounds.

back in 1861, a doctor making rounds in a field hospital “discovered several French Legionnaires with a most peculiar complaint: ‘Erections douloureuses et prolongues’ – known more technically as priapism. Vezien suspected the soldiers had been taking something they should not have – cantharidin, an insect toxin better known as the aphrodisiac Spanish fly .

the unfortunate soldiers had merely been eating the local frog’s legs, but these frogs had been dining on meloid beetles and the toxins passed on through the food chain. more recently a biologist at Cornell conducted experiments with beetle fed frogs to see if they retained their appeal as food to other animals.

“Eisner offered 16 cantharidin-fed frogs to 4 broad-banded water snakes. The snakes ate all but one ‘without undue delay, as is usually the case’, Eisner reports. How about leeches? Would they feed from an affected frog? To keep the frogs from eating the leeches that he briefly attached to their hind legs, Eisner designed a unique restraint. He cut off the receptacle end of a condom and slipped it over each frog’s front legs and torso. The leeches seemed no worse for wear after feeding on frogs’ legs.

in another example of humans being affected by food their food has eaten, Paul Devereux has this to say

The reindeer of these remote wastes have a hankering for Amanita muscaria (fly agaric or magic mushrooms). When they eat it they become stupefied and stagger around. If a reindeer is killed at this point, the meat will pass on the intoxicating effects devoured by the animal — but this is merely one part of a strange menage a trois involving human beings, reindeer and the mushroom itself. When they dine on certain mosses and lichen, reindeer also develop an insatiable passion for urine, their own and that of humans.

The Koryak, and doubtless other tribes, made use of this strange fact by carrying sealskin containers they called “the reindeer’s night-chamber,” in which they collected their urine. This was used to attract reindeer who were proving difficult to gather into the herd. But there was another value in human urine: the active constituents in Amanita muscaria remain intact even when passed through a person’s bladder. “The Koryaks know this by experience, and the urine of persons intoxicated with fly-agaric is not wasted. The drinker himself drinks it to prolong the state of hallucination, or offers it to others as a treat

Richard Rugley quotes from the encyclopaedia of psychoactive substances. the article is very interesting and quite long so I’ve reproduced a couple of sentences from it to whet your appetite to read more

“Holy men in India are reported to smoke cobra venom for its psychoactive effects. Both the king cobra and common cobra are used in this way; their dried venom glands or crystallized venom is often mixed with cannabis when smoked. In Russia it was apparently a custom that if a cat ate mukhomor (the fly-agaric mushroom) it was given the hemp or cannabis plant to sober it up”

corset comparison

regular readers know nursemyra has a large collection of corsets. recently I conducted a search to see what else is out there in the world of corsetry and I discovered the Little Tailor. the site has some great images but the translation leaves a lot to be desired

“Model statement: there is a wave pattern of tights which claims to have a massage effect of fat push in order to allow the meat to squeeze in more than a lap to the waist but the figure can see completely useless. the only normal waist, he did not have any so called magic to do it.

In the 16th century corsets were made of iron or brass. they were beautifully intricate but must have been hell to wear. both sexes wore them for orthopedic support as well as for body shape manipulation

Mary Rouncefield makes amazing corset art. here are two of her metal creations

the freakiest corset wearer is this 70 year old pensioner who is in the guinness book of records for having the smallest waist. my corset photography days will be put to rest long before I reach her age.

what I want most to add to my collection is the mario brothers corset or this particularly lovely one at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

for extreme corsets of a totally different kind, check out Paddy Hartley’s face corsets. they make for confronting viewing but it’s art for a good cause…..

friday babydoll, no corsetry

 don’t forget next friday is T-Shirt Friday. Past participants have been 70s, daisyfae, dolce, surftwin, silverstar and anniegirl…… lizza and sylvied could probably be persuaded to join in too. if I’ve missed any participants out please remind me and I’ll add the links.

hand me my guessing tube* Mr Throckmorton

every industry or workplace has its own language and slang terms. at the gimcrack we use acronyms like BMT** so as not to embarrass a female patient with faecal incontinence who is in need of a very thorough wash.

then there are some affectionate terms like “house red” for blood or “bordeaux” for blood in the urine and one of my favourites, “chocolate hostage” for the constantly constipated. we also use DILF but only occasionally as there aren’t that many attractive doctors practising geriatric psychiatry.

thanks to Archie for showing me this chocolate kamasutra page

but my favourite piece of medical slang relates to the Throckmorton Sign which is the supposition that on an abdominal or hip xray, the penis will point to the site of the injury.

* a guessing tube is, if you haven’t already guessed it, a stethoscope

** a BMT is a bowel movement taco. yes, I know it’s gross. that’s why we use the acronym

gee whizz

we love unusual words at the gimcrack. gossypiboma is the word used to describe a surgical sponge accidently left behind in a patient’s body. yes, it happens so frequently there is a name for it. if you’re overweight your chances of ending up with a gossypiboma after an operation are significantly higher. talk about adding insult to injury.

another favourite word beginning with “g” is gomphiasis which is the technical term for having loose teeth.

nursemyra likes made up words too. like ‘grogambulate‘. this means to walk with special attention paid to your posture and carriage whilst very very drunk.

I think it’s time for another gimcrack competition. First prize is an Australia-shaped stress ball (except it’s not a ball obviously) and a copy of “Sex in the Future” by my favourite science writer Robin Baker. Runners up will probably get cds again and maybe australia-shaped postit notes. the task this month is to submit an interesting word beginning with the letter “G”. It can be real or made up – just so long as it qualifies as a grandiloquism.

how’s the air up there?

my savvy readers know blowing air into a vagina is dangerous, right? vaginal insufflation can result in surprisingly large amounts of air being pushed further up into the abdomen. As it can take several days for the body to absorb the air a woman often may not connect the ensuing pain with its cause.

the people at the finchley clinic practise air therapy for the treatment of thrush. nursemyra thinks it’s better to see your doctor than to take advice from a website that doesn’t spellcheck

Vaginal insufflation of ozone is used for thrush and related problems. It involves the patient – not the practitioner – inserting a small catheter into the area and guiding ozone into it at a low flow rate (i.e. slowly). This method is completely painless and women usually report that they can’t feel anything at all except a slight gurgling sensationl. For obvious reasons of discretion, the catheter is inserted by the client herself and she then covers herself with a towel around her waste.

there are several clinics offering this service. the ozone therapy company has an interesting disclaimer on their website. “Please note: We are now only offering vaginal insufflation for women.”  Perhaps they had an influx of animals or martians wanting to try the treatment. Is it sexist to only provide vaginal services to women?

according to the International Journal of Legal Medicine (1990), a 40 year old woman was using a carrot as a dildo when, bicycle pump style, she manged to push enough air into herself to cause a lethal embolism in her bloodstream. so please guys, if you feel the urge to inflate a woman, restrict yourself to the safe, sporting floatable type

reciprocal sight of the posteriors

nursemyra has reached Chapter 6 of the Perfumed Garden and it is full of advice such as “Do not drink rain-water directly after copulation, because this beverage weakens the kidneys” and “Do not leave the vulva directly after the emission, as this may cause canker.”

Leaving aside weak kidneys and cankers, I found the Positions for Coitus very enlightening

MANNER THE FIRST–Make the woman lie upon her back, with her thighs raised, then, getting between her legs, introduce your member into her. Pressing your toes to the ground, you can rummage her in a convenient, measured way. This is a good position for a man with a long verge.

MANNER THE SECOND–If your member is a short one, let the woman lie on her back, lift her legs into the air, so that her right leg be near her right ear, and the left one near her left ear, and in this posture, with her buttocks lifted up, her vulva will project forward. Then put in your member.

MANNER THE THIRD–Let the woman stretch herself upon the ground, and place yourself between her thighs; then putting one of her legs upon your shoulder, and the other under your arm, near the armpit, get into her.

MANNER THE FOURTH — Let her lie down, and put her legs on your shoulders; in this position your member will just face her vulva, which must not touch the ground. And then introduce your member.

MANNER THE FIFTH — Let her lie on her side, then lie down by her on your side, and getting between her thighs, put your member into her vagina. Remember, sidelong coition predisposes for sciatica.

MANNER THE SIXTH–Make her get down on her knees and elbows, as if kneeling in prayer. In this position the vulva is projected backwards; you then attack her from that side, and put your member into her.

There are more “manners” if you care to click the link but the names for the various positions are my favourite part of this chapter

the stopperage, frog fashion, with the toes cramped, with legs in the air , he-goat fashion , the screw of Archimedes, the somersault , the tail of the ostrich , fitting on of the sock, reciprocal sight of the posteriors , the rainbow arch , alternative piercing , pounding on the spot , coition from the back , belly to belly , ram-fashion , driving the peg home , love’s fusion , sheep-fashion , interchange in coition , the race of the member , the fitter-in , the one who stops in the house , the smith’s coition , the seducer

are you curious about the somersault? It’s not something I’ve ever attempted but then again I chose horseriding over gymnastics when I was at school

SEVENTH MANNER–El kelouci (the somersault). The woman must wear a pair of pantaloons, which she lets drop upon her heels; then she stoops, placing her head between her feet, so that her neck is in the opening of her pantaloons. At that moment, the man, seizing her legs, turns her upon her back, making her perform a summersault; then with his legs curved under him he brings his member right against her vulva and, slipping it between her legs, inserts it.It is alleged that there are women who, while lying on their back, can place their feet behind their head without the help of pantaloons