the rules of rummaging

the perfumed garden is an authority on so many things

As to coition with old women, it acts like a fatal poison, and it has been said, ‘Do not rummage old women, were they as rich as Karoun.’ And it has further been said, ‘Beware of mounting old women; even if they cover you with favours.’

 

A proverb says also, ‘Do not service an old woman, even if she offered to feed you with semolina and almond bread.’

He who does not want to feel the necessity for coition uses camphor. Half of a mitskal of this substance, macerated in water, makes the man who drinks of it insensible to the pleasures of copulation.

Coitus after a full meal may occasion rupture of the intestines. coition in hot countries may cause sudden blindness without any previous symptoms. It is also not good constantly to wear vestments made of silk, as they impair all the energy for copulation. Silken cloths worn by women also affect injuriously the capacity for erection of the virile member.

The abuse of coition is followed by loss of the taste for its pleasures; and to remedy this loss the sufferer must anoint his member with a mixture of the blood of a he-goat with honey. This will procure for him a marvellous effect in making love.

It is said that reading the Koran also predisposes for copulation…………….

Published in: on November 8, 2008 at 8:32 am  Comments (31)  

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31 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. beer… oh sorry, where was I. Rummaging is a no no is it. I have to wonder how you rummage an old woman.

  2. rummage around under her dress I suppose….. much the same as you would with a young woman. but with your eyes closed instead…

  3. so that is where I am going wrong …. ‘semolina and almond bread anyone?’

  4. Good Lord, I had no idea I’m running the risk of going suddenly blind.

  5. define “old woman”? you’re as young as you feel, right? i’ve been told i feel pretty good, so i’m optiistic that i’m not done being rummaged. off to the store for semolina and almond bread just in case…

  6. Thanks… I could have gone a lifetime without seeing Sasquatch on that bed.

  7. Are there similar warnings about rummaging old men? I don’t suppose there are since these rules were, undoubtedly, written by men.

  8. See, in Celtic fairy tales the young man had to *um* rummage the crone to get the goodies. Usually, the crone would turn into a beautiful maiden. This crone finds that coition turns her beautiful for at least half an hour.

  9. In my day you had to rummage ‘frogs’ ……. or was that an old wive’s tale?

  10. define old. b/c 40 now is what 30 was 25 years ago, and 2 goes into 1 perpendicular to 25, based on lifetime principles, so if you’ve put goat’s blood anywhere near your body, don’t even bother being anywhere near me.

  11. Beer, breasts, and braided pigtails… all we need is some boots and there’s all four of my favorite B’s.

  12. It says beware of mounting old women. No problem. Just let them get on top instead, they know what they’re doing.

  13. Seraphine: that just wins you comment of the day

    Renalfailure: I’ve just put up a photo of nursemyra with braids on my ‘friends and family’ page. do you still have the password?

    Sledpress: I definitely like being on top 🙂

  14. excellent commentary..as usual.

    all this rummaging talk reminds me of a riddle my dear old(Australian).. Uncle told me..
    “there are 2 men,on opposite sides of the world,doing two completely different things, and yet, each has the same thought at exactly the same time…”.

    any guesses from the Gimcrack posse?

    (please note, I did mention my Uncle was Australian..so don’t blame me for the answer).

  15. I know I’ve heard this before but for the life of me I can’t rememember the answer. I know it’s rude…..

  16. yes,well..

    one man is walking a tight rope strung between 2 buildings 16 stories up…

    the other is enjoying being on the receiving end of some oral pleasure from a 90 plus year old, toothless lady.

    Their thoughts…?

    “Don’t look down..don’t look down”.

  17. I too would like to know when a woman is deemed “old.”

    I always heard that you’re only as old as the woman you feel. But what about the woman? Is she as old at the man who feels her? What if he is an OLD man!??? How confusing!

  18. Dr Robert: very pertinent since I recently saw “Man on Wire”

    Olga: I’m not letting any old men do their groping near me!

  19. I have to disagree with the bit about the perils of silk.

  20. oooh dissent in the ranks. we like that at the gimcrack 🙂

  21. OI! I’m with the “Define old” group. I may be 60+ but everything is still working – except for my memory – what are we talking about?

  22. I feel slightly queasy.

  23. you’re only as old as the women you feel… isn’t that how the saying goes?

    …but what if i LIKE silk and semolina?

  24. Rummage? What in the world does that mean? I hope to hell that I will never be too old to enjoy a good fuck. That would be hell. on. earth.

  25. The problem is with old women you never know quite what you might find.

    Years ago on contract I went to see one about renting a flat and incredibly she just sat there in front of me with her legs wide open. She had this amazing sort of red and blue lumpy growth all up one thigh like a small part of the barrier reef, it was quite revolting but I couldn’t stop looking, I kept expecting lobsters or starfish to pop out.

  26. This hurt my brain.
    I just turned 44
    Sob.

  27. Aw Anita, dry those tears. I’m 54 in two weeks.

    The last three guys in my life have been 10, 8 and 15 years younger than I am, respectively.

    All three, so far as I could tell, had the reaction of the lad pictured in this article:
    http://www.bbspot.com/News/2000/9/linux_laid.html

    It’s all about experience, nuance, timing and whole-hogging lasciviousness. What 20-year-old has that?

  28. Anita Marie: Stop your sobbing sista – 44 was the best year of my life 🙂

    Sledpress: wow… lucky duck indeed…

  29. Who knew silky material could be so harmful. and thank your for putting up the pictures of Pamela and the beer maiden to offset the hairy man. I’m going to have nightmares.

  30. I have to agree… we need to define ‘old’ because, say… would Sean Connery be considered ‘old’ or would you still allow groping in that case?

    Being over 40 and Mr. Frac being several years older than I yet, I wonder at what point I should consider him old? I’ve already begun with the jokes… but seriously… this is worrisome.

  31. you’re not old until you reach 70 now. new rules.


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