forget the pigeon, bring me a housebreaker


artwork by Harry Tanner

today we return to the perfumed garden to learn some alternative names for the penis.

El hamama (the pigeon), because after having been swelled out it resembles, at the moment when it returns to repose, a pigeon sitting on her eggs. El teunnana (the tinkler) So called because every time it enters or comes out of the vulva in coition it makes a noise.

El heurmak (the indomitable) It has received this name because when in a state of erection it begins to move its head, searching for the entrance to the vulva till it has found it, and it then walks in quite insolently, without asking leave.


artwork by Ballivet

El zeub (the verge) From the word deub, which means creeping. This name was given to the member because when it gets between a woman’s thighs and feels a plump vulva it begins to creep upon the thighs and the Mount of Venus, then approaches the entrance of the vulva, and keeps creeping in until it is in possession and is comfortably lodged, and having it all its own way penetrates into the middle of the vulva, there to ejaculate.

El zoddame (the crowbar) It is called so because when it meets the vulva and the same will not let it pass in directly, it forces the entrance with its head, breaking and tearing everything, like a wild beast in the rutting season.


Mochefi el relil (the extinguisher of passion) This name is given to a member which is large, strong, and slow to ejaculate; such a member satisfies most completely the amorous wishes of a woman; for, after having wrought her up to the highest pitch, it allays her excitement better than any other. When it wants to get into the vulva, and arriving at the portal finds it closed, it laments, begs and promises: ‘Oh! my love! let me come in, I will not stay long.’ And when it has been admitted, it breaks its word, and makes a long stay, and does not take its leave till it has satisfied its ardour by the ejaculation of the sperm, coming and going, tilting high and low, and rummaging right and left.

El âouame (the swimmer) Because when it enters the vulva it does not remain in one favourite place, but, on the contrary, turns to the right, to the left, goes forward, draws back, and then moves like a swimmer in the middle amongst its own sperm and the fluid furnished by the vulva, as if in fear of drowning and trying to save itself.


El dekhal (the housebreaker) Merits that name because on coming to the door of the vulva this one asks, ‘What do you want?’ ‘I want to come in!’ ‘Impossible! I cannot take you in on account of your size.’ Then the member insists that the other one should only receive its head, promising not to come in entirely; it then approaches, rubs its head twice or thrice between the vulva’s lips, till they get humid and thus lubricated, then introduces first its head, and after, with one push, plunges in up to the testicles.

El mostahi (the shame-faced one) This sort of member which is met with sometimes, is capable of feeling ashamed and timid when facing a vulva which it does not know, and it is only after a little time that it gets bolder and stiffens. Sometimes it is even so much troubled that it remains incompetent for the coitus, which happens in particular when a stranger is present, in which case it becomes quite incapable of moving.


El lezzaz (the unionist) Received that name because as soon as it is in the vulva it pushes and works till fur meets fur, and even makes efforts to force the testicles into it.

Published in: on December 3, 2008 at 8:02 am  Comments (23)  

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23 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. And to think I just call it dick

  2. Never knew a penis could have so many personalities.

  3. El Egg Timer I’m afraid…at least that’s what I’m told

  4. I could fix that 🙂

  5. kinda makes naming one “Little Jim and the Twins” seem lame… but if a penis ever spoke to me? even saying ‘What do you want?’ ‘I want to come in!’ ‘Impossible! I cannot take you in on account of your size.’? i’d faint. and not the good kind of faint…

  6. I wonder what the names would have been if The Perfumed Garden had been written in the era of power tools…

  7. Mine? El Infrautilizó (roughly: The Underused)

  8. I would have named it Bill.

  9. An albino gentleman in my past who thought the world of his own wit used to refer to “Moby Dick.”

    But this business of being shy for coitus when a stranger is present? I would be, too…

    and me too!

  10. Reading the unionist I at first thought it would be about a blue-collar worker who is always in the hole…

  11. I think I’ll have a sign made ….. “This way up” would help ……..

  12. If I refer to mine as “Puff the Magic Dragon” will that work for any women at all? Maybe really sensitive women in their sixties? I’m just trying to set a course.

    Andy Capsized

  13. Much more imaginative and descriptive than “cock” and “dick”. Bring me “an extinguisher of passion” if you please.

  14. the E of P was my second choice after the Housebreaker

  15. “and it then walks in quite insolently, without asking leave.”

    That’s also known as the Tag Larkin.

  16. When I was a kid my mum came to collect me from school in our new family car….. I told the teacher and she said ‘Oh thats nice, what sort of car did she get’? to my Mum and I proudly exclamed ‘She got a VULVA’

    Good times good times!

  17. so, is there a committee of women i have to go to in order to see which category my penis is in? where do i sign up?

  18. pryapus. because… well… because. that’s what it was called in a victorian novel i read.

  19. Oddly enough, I nicknamed mine The Creeper ages ago…small world, eh? 😉

  20. NASDIQ.

  21. is that like NASCAR with only two wheels?

  22. More like NASDAQ. The market goes up before it goes back down.

  23. 😉

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