tired of being humbugged?

Professor Jean Civiale had quite a way with words when it came to promoting his Urethral Crayons for the cure of spermatorrhoea


The Vital Fluid: What it Is, What it Does, and How it is allowed to Drain Away, Weakening, Emasculating and Dementing the Vicious and the Careless. Diurnal (daily) Emissions. Nocturnal (nightly) Emissions. Impalpable Oozings. Losses in the Urine. Losses while at Stool. Mistaken Gleet.

At the first symptom of Sexual Decay or Nervous Exhaustion, the person thus affected should have his urine carefully and thoroughly analyzed by some competent person.

Civiale considered himself to be one such competent person. He painted a horrifying picture of what lay ahead for chronic masturbators

Oozing of a glairy fluid under excitement and imaginings, Formation of Evil Pictures in the Mind, Mental Hebetude, Stringiness and Softening of the Testicles, Sensation of the Bowels Falling Out, Weight on the brain, ringing in the ears, pains in the head, nervous twitchings of the eyelids, The erector muscles become paralyzed, and the organ remains inactive at the call of the will followed by convulsions, coma and death.


exact size and shape of insertable crayon

all these symptoms could be controlled, of course, by a once daily insertion of his famous melting crayons. Professor Civiale also had other strings to his bow. His Elastic Self Adjusting Cradle and Compressor could permanently and painlessly cure twisted scrotal veins, otherwise known as variococeles.


Such a perfect and practical combination is to be found in the Elastic self-adjusting and adjustable Cradle and Compressor, which has succeeded in curing many apparently hopeless cases.

Attached to the metallic shoulder is the Elastic, Glove-Fitting, Self-Adjusting Testicle-Cradle, by means of which not only are the testicles perfectly supported and rested, but by the sheet-rubber lining and the elastic tie bands, a constant, easy and perfectly painless elastic pressure is kept up on the dilated and sagging veins, which are thereby emptied of their unhealthy and stagnated blood and allowed to regain their tone, strength and contractility.


aren’t you glad you live in the 21st century?

Published in: on December 20, 2008 at 7:18 am  Comments (25)  

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25 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. And I thought ear candling was bad for you. Crayons up the urethra? No thank you!! The self adjusting testicle cradle shows promise.

  2. Neither one of them sounds any fun to me, but I guess if you are into S&M or medical fetishism, you might like them.

  3. I’ve got tears in my eyes ……………… again

  4. I recently experienced “Sensation of the Bowels Falling Out, Weight on the brain, ringing in the ears, pains in the head, nervous twitchings of the eyelids”, although I suspect that may be directly attributable to the curry I had for lunch.

    was that goatse curry?

  5. Do the Urethral Crayons come with the Anal Play-Doh as part of a play set? GREAT christmas gift, isn’t it?

  6. Mistaken gleet? No, no… my gleet is never mistaken.

    Now who wants to reenact some of those evil pictures in my mind?

    hey RF, have you watched Deadwood? Al had some serious gleet problem in series 2

  7. I’ve got an ache in my balls and I don’t have any.

  8. Oh my god, I don’t even HAVE a penis, and yet that crayon made me tense up my nether-regions. God DAMN!!

  9. In case there has been any confusion, I am a guy. And being that I am a guy, this crayon up my thing sounds like a very scary and bad idea.

  10. In the future, people will sum-up our contemporary medical practices as barbaric and be very happy that they live in the 22nd century. But, to your point, yes, I’m happy to be in the here and now. It’s all a matter of perspective and history.

  11. chemotherapy and open heart surgery come to mind….

  12. I don’t think of it as “chronic masturbation” so much as a thrice daily activity for effective relaxation and the promotion of good mental health.

    Then again, I was raised Pagan and was never circumcised so, according to the Victorians, I’m biologically prone to sexual compulsion in addition to being a social undesirable.

    Sorry if that was too much information.

  13. nope, that’s the appropriate level of information for the Gimcrack

  14. Wow…that is a whole new advertising scenario for Crayola…

  15. SH–t nursy poo, and I was just beginning to forget about that centipede bit on my, well you know. Wow now it’s starting to bring the pain all back to me.

  16. put some ice on it and be a man 🙂

  17. The horror! The horror! You find some of the most amazing genital torture devices I’ve ever seen.

    Merry Christmas! Here’s hoping 2009 is a very good year for us all.


  18. I didn’t realize that crooked veins were a problem. . .

    Happy Solstice greetings to you, nursie.

  19. Impalbable Oozings… one of the best punk rock bands of the early 90s in the Wilds of Ohio…

  20. Welcome back Mark. Merry Xmas and Happy Solstice to you and HMH

    Good try gnukid 🙂

  21. There’s always the infamous “bougie.”

    I suspect if I surfed your archives I’d run into a post about them.

  22. I will never, ever be able to look at a box of crayons without laughing from now on.

  23. Could you draw with the crayons as well, because Mr Squiggle would take on a whole freaky new level if you could.

  24. And I thought I just had tintinnitis.

  25. ooh I love tintin – my favourite comicbook character. don’t let him anywhere near your ears though….

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