comstockery and clavicles


In 1915, H L Mencken published an essay  on terms used for the human body.


“I undertook to arrange the parts of the body in 8 classes, beginning with the highly respectable and ending with the unmentionable. Into the highest Class I put the heart, brain, hair and eyes, into Class 2 the collarbone, stomach, liver, arms (excluding elbows), ears etc. Into class 3 the elbows, ankles and teeth (if natural), shoulders, neck etc. and so on. My class 6 included thighs, paunch, esophagus, spleen, pancreas, gallbladder and caecum and there I had to stop for the inmates of classes 7 and 8 could not be listed in print in those days of comstockery.”


the days of prudish Anthony Comstock are long gone so now it’s time for another gimcrack competition. You may enter up to three times but each entry has to be for a different body part. whoever comes up with the best synonym for breast, vulva, penis or testicle will win a copy of Oddly Australian (1984) with runners up receiving whatever else is in my prize stash on judging day.

So knock yourselves out and surprise me………


Published in: on December 27, 2008 at 8:13 am  Comments (21)  

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21 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Ewwww! I don’t want to sit in those chairs. I name the penis in its flaccid state Little Lord Sleeping.

  2. Penis – trouser sneezer

    Breast – chest distraction

    Vulva – sorry my mind’s gone blank

  3. Here’s my short list for “penis”:

    one-eyed giant
    better than chocolate
    crack haunter
    kidney scraper
    cream stick
    rump splitter

    One of my favorite early ska recordings is One-eyed Giant, made in the ’60s by a Jamaican whose name I can’t remember.

  4. those bean bag chairs are special.

  5. Breasts: Snuggle Pups
    Penis: The Bishop’s Staff
    Testicles: My Boys
    Vulva: Safest car on the road?

  6. Boobs: The Great Pyramids … or The Twin Towers if you are older and they have since collapsed.
    Penis: The Venus Probe
    Testicles: The Odd Nuts
    Vulva: Creation Space

  7. oh, the pressure of a contest – when i’m COMPLETELY distracted by my newly discovered desperate need for a Polyp Chair…. when does the contest end? when exactly is judgement day?

  8. Penis: Joy stick

    Testicles: chin nuts (think about it)

    Breasts: pillows from heaven

    He He, what fun nursy .

  9. testicle= family jewels

  10. hmmn..
    penis: trouser trout

    breast: chimichangas

    testicles: bilbo’s baggins…

  11. Hey, I hope this link works … it shows on mine as correct but everyone else is telling me that the dot is missing between aggiesplace and blogspot. Should read as:

  12. Sadly my well of ideas is dry at the moment but I look forward to seeing what others come up with.

  13. are you squandering all your ideas on that screenplay?

  14. Vagina- The great pink whale

    Penis- The Harpoon

    Testicles- white powder propulsion

    Apart from those I’ve got nothing… heres a tip never play cricket then get drunk, then get more drunk and play guitar hero till 4.30 in the morning, whilst druinking even more. Its fun at the time but oh dear, that following day is a real son of a bitch.

  15. Too bad we aren’t, um, coming up with masturbation terms. I know a lot of those. Waxing the dolphin is my favorite for men, auditioning the finger puppets for women.

    Okay, on to the matters at, um, hand:

    Bald-headed Jesus
    Bavarian Beefstick
    Clam digger
    Doughnut holder …

    Chia pet
    Mrs. Sphincter’s next door neighbor
    Passion flower
    Tunnel of love
    The Zone

    Nuts, er, Testicles:
    The Twins
    Love Apples
    Chestnuts (seems to be a food theme I’ve got going here)

  16. penis: beaver cleaver

    vagina: docking station (yeah. i hang with nerds.)

    breasts: mountains of glory

  17. ok that’s the spirit! I’m off to work soon so will mull it over during the day and choose the winners tonight

  18. Breasticle – the odd superfluous third nipple that one might encounter now and then, knew a stripper that had one..,

    penis- johnson or John Thursday, stolen from mssr. Henry Miller

    vagina – hairy end of the gut

    the best man at my wedding had four nipples. and isn’t there a male celebrity with a couple extra too? someone like mark wahlberg?

  19. penis – where the rubber meets the road

    vagina – the road; actually, the heavenly highway

    vulva – the tollgate to the heavenly highway

    breasts – handholds for the wild ride

  20. I vote for thegnukid, his all go together so nicely. [Double entendre intended.]

  21. Whoah! you guys make it really hard to choose. I think for sheer ingenuity and cleverness in linking them all together I have to award FIRST PRIZE to GNUKID

    and so I can’t be accused of favouritism I wrote down every suggestion for each category and read them all out to Cherrie Ripe. She picked

    Penis: Beaver Cleaver (Daisyfae)
    Testicles: Love Apples (Beth)
    Vagina: Docking Station (Daisyfae)

    (after being forced to contemplate vaginas she refused to move up to breasts and seeing how I only have three prizes I let her off the hook.)

    Congratulations Gnukid, Daisyfae and Beth and thanks so much to all who joined in

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