oh for chrissakes

One of the extra things I do (out of the goodness of my shrivelled black heart) is take the minutes for the Residents’ Committe. The committee chairperson is Miss S and she runs a tight ship. The #1 item on her agenda today was the recent visit to the Gimcrack by Cardinal a leading dignitary from a church other than our own.


You may remember that nursemyra is employed by a certain religious organisation but we’re fairly inclusive when it comes to entertaining infidels Micks, Jews, Muslims, Shintos and even Seventh Day Adventists. So when Father Flugel from round the road proposed bringing His Superior for afternoon tea we were underwhelmed delighted.


There was some discussion about how to address Himself (Your Eminence) and what to serve for refreshments. Old ladies were falling about to form a welcoming committee and even CK wanted to become involved.


During all this our own chaplain wore an expression of disdain and in aggrieved tones lamented that no one had ever shown any interest in a visit from His Bishop. Which has now been arranged for the following month *sigh* (I never knew there was so much rivalry for incontinent old souls).

Horrifyingly, CK decided this was the time to donate a hideous family heirloom to His Eminence. The DT agreed to wrap the monstrosity to hide its ugliness protect it from harm and at first CK was enamoured of this idea. A lot of trouble was taken to procur tissue and ribbon and a fair fist was made of wrapping it up to look presentable.


Twenty minutes later the mummified heirloom aroused CK’s latent paranoia and she began clawing at the ribbon and wrestled it back out of the box. No amount of cajoling would persuade her to keep it wrapped.

“It’s just to keep it safe until you give it to the Cardinal” said the DT.

“I don’t give a damn about the Cardinal” she screamed. “I don’t want my vase suffocated in that coffin you’ve made”

So we left her sitting by the lift in a nest of shredded tissue and got on with the business of welcoming His Eminence. Hands were shaken, foreheads were blessed, there were tears and teacakes and it was all over in half an hour. CK managed to waylay Him on His way out the door and presented Him with a mangled box of slightly cracked crystal. In which He showed an alarming amount of interest and gratitude which made her quite unbearable for the rest of the day.

That should have been the end of it but sadly for Miss S and her damned committee it was not the case.

Agenda Item #1. “I’d just like to express my disappointment that His Eminence spoke to 6 people on His right hand side but only 3 who were sitting on the left.”

Agenda Item #2. “He also refused a second cup of tea”

Dear God I wish I were making this stuff up……….


Published in: on May 7, 2009 at 8:34 am  Comments (43)  

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  1. ‘I’d just like to express my disappointment that His Eminence spoke to 6 people on His right hand side but only 3 who were sitting on the left.”’

    His Eminence sounds like a right bastard to me, how dare he do that. You must be a saint to not have knifed someone at work by now Nurse.

  2. The D.O.N frisks us all for weapons at the start of each shift……

    • I want to work a shift there, haven’t been frisked in the longest time …

  3. But that’s ol Ck’s emergency piddle vase isn’t it?

    So a victory of sorts!

    Thanks for the post, looking forward to the next Bishop on the chessboard – a stray ‘we can’t imagine how it got there’ banana skin perhaps?

    The King

    • the patients eat the skins here, they need the extra fibre

  4. Perhaps, If he had availed himself of the contents of that holy flask, he might have had more tea. He might have even become verbose. Both complaints resolved in one fell swoop.

  5. Only 3 on the left? There’s something sinister at hand.

  6. Somehow there needs to be a left right democracy now. Maybe the people on the right were better looking.

  7. What? You offered him tea and a cracked vase? Jesus Christ, no wonder he ignored people. You should have had no less than 3 young men lined up for his personal entertainment.

    • I’m not sharing my three young men with anyone let alone a man of the cloth

  8. “who would jesus snub” bumper stickers should be issued…

  9. It seems the Cardinal dresses to the right.

    The King

    • I notice you dress left King Willy. That’s my preferred angle too

  10. Pious crows should be pistol whipped within an inch of their miserable fucking lives. And as for that German fella in Rome, a pox on his hoose.

    I’ll take that 2nd cup of tea if he’s no gonnae drink it.

  11. For some reason, this is making me think of the immortal “Seven Old Ladies Locked in the Lavatory.” The lines about tea with the vicar and all. Maybe locking them all in the lav is the solution.

  12. We are all doomed by irrelevance.

  13. Amen. There is nothing funnier than the truth. And from where I was sitting (an ocean away and only reading about it and living through it) that was damn funny.

    “Amen”? “damn”? What the hell is going on with me…

    • It’s contagious. I’ve developed a halo since his visit

      • 🙂

        Better a halo than a cold…

        I suspect you wear it very well.

  14. “thank God I’m an atheist”..

  15. Thanks for making me feel better about a recent bitchfest regarding the internet. I felt a little petty and over-reactive there for a second

  16. I shall mop your brow Nursey …… martini?

    • I’d prefer a margarita thanks daddyp xx

  17. Would I be correct in my surmise that there were more ‘boys’ to the bishop’s right than to his left ?

    (They say old ‘habits’ die hard !!!)

  18. So do these resident’s meetings follow normal parliamentary procedure? Because I can see the residents passing a lot of motions that will need an immediate and thorough cleaning.

  19. I never knew there was so much rivalry for incontinent old souls

    Y’gotta get them when they’re really young, so that they can be well indoctrinated, or when they’re really old and can hear the reaper sneaking up behind them. The problem with getting them old is that you have to get them before they go down for the dirt nap so you never know how much time you’re going to have.

  20. “The D.O.N frisks us all for weapons at the start of each shift…… ”

    Where can i sign up for the position of frisker?

  21. Heck with “What Would Jesus Do”… this is much more intriguing and fun! Can’t wait for the next chapter of this hilarity.

  22. They were lucky he spoke to anyone on the left. That’s where god is supposed to put the sinners doomed to hell. But then again, all those people are in hell, aren’t they?

    • No, no, it’s not hell. It’s only Purgatory. They could be in a Nursing Home instead of the Gimcrack

  23. You mean you’re serious? about the cardinal and the Gimcrack being run by a religious faction? Someday you must tell the real story.

    • Deadly serious. And this is the real story. Only the names are different. I don’t want to say which Church Group employs me but it’s probably easy enough to figure out

      • Indeed. No need to place your job on the line. Yes, now that I know it’s real, it’s not hard to figure out at all what church it is.

  24. It sounds scarily like something from Father Ted come to life.

  25. Maybe he had some sort of stroke on his left hand side.

    If you know what i mean.

  26. he obviously is incontinent that’s why no second cuppa …. great story 🙂

  27. Cardinals are weird like that. Cardinal George, up here, doesn’t touch people. He will not shake hands with anyone, like the man has severe OCD about it. He smiles, nods slowly, smiles, but never shakes hands or hugs or anything. As a rule.

  28. I’m thinking of that song “fools to the left of me, fools to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle again” or some such …

  29. Hmmmmm. Is there really only one person left at Gimcrack? I see you are taking minutes for the Resident’s Committee — Resident’s is singular, not plural. I read every book, magazine and newspaper with a red pen in my hand, you know! Imagine the frustration when I find errors on-line and am not able to use said pen. Reduced to writing snotty emails instead.

  30. ooops… my bad. I’ve fixed it now

    • Thanks. Now I can rest easy.

      • 😉

  31. This is the stuff of a Patrick White novel! Gold!

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