a travelling chinaman called bruce

nursemyra is lucky enough to have had two mothers. One is alive and well and living on the beautiful Mornington Peninsula. My other mother passed away some years ago. She did, however, hand down some strange maternal advice that I’ve never forgotten. But before I share it with my readers first let me tell you about the “Bruce Effect”

The Bruce effect is a form of pregnancy disruption in mammals in which exposure of a female to an unknown male results in pre or postimplantation failure.

Laboratory experiments show that when a recently inseminated female is exposed directly to an unfamiliar, nonsire male or to its urine or soiled bedding, this causes her to prevent implantation or to abort or reabsorb her embryos.

This response supposedly is adaptive for the male, in that termination of pregnancy results in the female coming into estrus, providing the male with a mating opportunity.

(Jayne Mansfield succumbs to temptation)

The advice my mother passed on was this: “Never marry a travelling salesman, a Chinaman or anyone called Bruce”

The rationale behind this strange piece of maternal ‘wisdom’ being her sister’s cheating husband, Bruce, was a travelling salesman who kept a mistress in every other town. The entire Chinese nation got a bad rap because of the greengrocer down the road who let his cat sleep on the fruit in the front window of his shop.

This could also have been the reason I wasn’t allowed to put a Bruce Lee poster on my wall when I was teenage Enter the Dragon fan………….

cock cutting coconuts

Tu-Jin Sheng is a master of penis qigong.

“Tu exalts this practice as a penile panacea. He claims it can prevent old age and diseases, increase energy and vitality, make muscles and bones stronger, reduce arterial blockage, cholesterol levels, diabetes, allergies and ear problems.

With just a half-hour to an hour of practice a day, Master Tu promises quick results. After only one week, your hips will loosen. In two weeks, you will not feel thirsty as easily. After the first month, your vision will become clearer. By two months, your complexion will improve and the bags under your eyes will disappear, and by three months, you will require less sleep and feel powerful all of the time. Eventually, you won’t feel the need to go the bathroom as often and any plaguing maladies will vanish. And what about sex? Master Tu says “Of course! This is really great for sex!” One of his students fathered a new baby at age 82. Another student fathered a son 20 years after the birth of his daughter. Master’s Tu’s most incredible claim is that the highest masters of penis qigong can use it to pull cars, break ice blocks and even cut coconuts.

Master Tu has another extraordinary stunt in the works. He is in the process of getting clearance from the Taiwanese government to borrow a 747 jet airplane. Tu figures 20 to 24 of his top students, by strapping their penises, 6 to 8 men per wheel, can generate combined penis pulling power to move the 18,000-kilogram (39,780 lbs!) 747. That’s over a ton and a half per penis.

“Combined penis pulling power”?

*swoon*…….

you can’t just jam it up

Alfred Kinsey is known for his encyclopaedic surveys of human sexuality. He wanted to set up a dedicated laboratory in which to observe the responses of the body to sexual stimulation. Unable to secure enough funding for this project, he instead filmed himself and others in his own attic in Indiana.

“Kinsey inserted a swizzle stick into his urethra, tied a rope around his scrotum and then simultaneously tugged hard on the rope while he manouevered the stick deeper. He paused just long enough to explain to his fellow staff member and camerman why the knob on the end of the swizzle stick posed a problem. “There’s a little flap as you go partly up the urethra that you have to bypass, so you can’t just jam the thing in.”

Somehow I doubt that Kinsey was using anything as classy as these Memento Mori sticks which can be found at the link belowD.L & Co.

He was also known to have used a toothbrush. Though there is no word on whether or not he cleaned his teeth with it afterwards.

apophallation

I love a new word and today I discovered a very sexy one indeed. Apophallation. From “apo” as in detach and “phallus” as in penis.  Or as it is known in the world of banana slugs – the art of chewing your partner’s meat off.

“So what is so interesting about banana slugs!? Well, these slugs are hermaphrodites, which means that they can act as both males and females. When they mate, they insert their penises into each other at the same time. The unusual thing (in case you don’t find that unusual enough!) is that sometimes, but not always, when they finish mating one slug will chew the penis completely off the other, a process called Apophallation. Sometimes it happens that both slugs engage in chewing so that at the end of the mating encounter, both slugs are penis-less.”

The castrated males become obligatory females and the eater gets to produce many offspring. Those that are very successful can amass a harem of castrated slugs.

Okay, I bet this has got my male readers crossing their legs. And I may have turned a few female readers off their chocolate for at least the next half hour. If reading about slug sex has made you feel queasy then DO NOT click the link at the bottom of this post. Just look at this pretty picture by Elvgren instead. You can read all about him and see more of his lovely work here

You have been warned………………………………………….. NSFW link

how to fly like a witch

In the 15th century, flying witches were believed to be everywhere. It was thought that they achieved this power by anointing themselves with a magical unguent.

The preparation of this ointment was guarded as a precious secret. It was made from the fat of unbaptised children, mixed with soot and the blood of bats.***

Five women charged with witchcraft in 1460 described how the devil gifted this unguent to them. They used it to anoint a small wooden rod, then put the rod between their legs and flew off upon it.

“A man who discovered his wife rubbing herself all over with ointment tied her to the bed with ropes. Still she managed to elude him by changing into a bat and flying off……”

*** you’re not really going to try this at home are you…?

androgynozoophilia

image by Manning

Androgynozoophilia is an uncomfortable subject and one that relates to fertility rituals in ancient Egypt.  Herodotus wrote about women having sex with trained goats in Mendesian temples. I think I’ll leave that alone as it’s making me queasy just thinking about it.

image from an anti smoking campaign

There is a famous story of geese that were trained for the erotic arousal of the Byzantine empress, Theodora. She supposedly tutored them in a stage performance where grains of barley were sprinkled on her genitals and the geese were then encouraged to feed upon them.

In more recent animal news the Courier Mail filed this report about a sexually aroused parrot who was caught attempting to seduce its owner’s feathered hat – while she was wearing it. The most my lesbian parrot does is nibble my earlobes. then again, I don’t wear elaborate concoctions on my head very often.

improve your sperm count the manly way

In 2005 www.abc.net.au reported on a study about the effects of pornography on sperm***

“Looking at pornographic images of men and women together can increase the quality of a man’s sperm, a new study suggests. The effect is based on an evolutionary process observed in animals known as sperm competition.

Males ejaculate more sperm, or sperm of better quality, when the risk of sperm competition [the probability that a female will mate with more than one male] is high.

Research now shows that just looking at an image of another man in action is enough to register as a case of sperm competition, causing a compensatory adjustment in the viewer’s semen

I don’t know about my male readers but looking at this early photograph of Yul Brynner certainly increases my desire to check out the quality of freshly produced sperm. You know the drill…. bring your specimen in its original container to nursemyra’s Thursday morning clinic for a free  personal evaluation……

lab technician on stand by

*** I first read about this research in How Sex Works by Dr Sharon Moalem

corset friday 19/6/2009

my son has taken my camera to prague so I’m resorting to the out takes file this week. I love the fabric in this old boned and moulded corset top. the scarf was a present from my well travelled friend Martino. I think it was from Cambodia though it may have come from India. He’s been so many places it’s hard to keep track…..

he of the silver anus

Sylvanus Stall was a Lutheran pastor who produced one of the first ever talking books, sold as a set of 24 wax cylinders. It was a diatribe aimed at keeping young boys from succumbing to the evils of masturbation.

This was not the only sex advice he dispensed. He also wrote a book titled “What a Man of Forty Five Ought to Know”

“Many young men are deceived because old men who have led impure lives continue to vaunt their corruption of thought and speech, even after they have lost all sexual power and the uninformed suppose that these senile old men still actualise the evil of which they so boastingly speak. The listener does not know that the mind continues to grow increasingly corrupt even after sexual power has wholly departed.

photograph by Diane Arbus

Among the early indications of waning sexuality are the streaks of grey that appear in hair or beard. It might be unsafe to impute the full significance of this to young persons who are members of families where premature greyness is common.

The teeth are likely to give indications of more rapid decay. Instead of being able to expel at a strong stream, urine is now devoid of its force. The sensibility of the testes becomes blunted, the scrotum wrinkles, the testicles atrophy. The zoosperms are small and languid.

At around forty five years of age when the vital forces  should be in every way economised , sexual indulgences should be discontinued. **

**nursemyra apologises to all still virile men over 40 who are reading this post. Bring sperm samples (preferably still in their original container) to my clinic on Thursday mornings for free testing.

a pinch of salt

Princess Soltykoff was the pseudonym of Margaret Prebble, a conwoman who operated in the early 1900s. She used grand but fake addresses such as Haydock Lodge (a lunatic asylum), Arundel Square (where she had been a nurse) and Brighton’s Metropole Hotel.

Described as “enchantingly beautiful” she impersonated Lady Muriel Paget in an attempt to defraud shopkeepers and also pretended to be a cousin of the Marquess of Anglesey. She claimed to have married the Russian prince, Alexis Soltykoff, though this could not be substantiated.

(image scanned from Prince Soltykoff’s book of Indian Travels)

When not conning rich folk out of their money, she supported herself by working as a nurse. Here is an excerpt from the British Journal of Nursing 1906 as they reported on their wayward sister

“The police regard her as an adventuress and a liar.  The police stated that she has had four or five situations as a nurse since her last incarceration. We wonder who employed her?

Her present husband had done his best for his wife but she seemed beyond control, breaking out when under the influence of drugs and drink.

Let us hope before the expiration of the very lenient sentence of 18 months hard labour, the State Registration of Trained Nurses will be in force and Mrs Prebble will find herself outside the pale of the Register.