protect your garden produce by irrumation

Priapus was thought to be the son of Dionysus and Aphrodite. As well as being the god of fertility, he was also known as the protector of horticulture.


As a watcher Priapus warns thieves and transgressors, threatening to sodomise or to sexually penalize in any other way whoever dares to steal the garden’s greens and fruits (following epigrams collected by Smithers & Burton in Priapeia):

“I warn you, my lad, you will be sodomised; you, my girl, I shall futter; for the thief who is bearded, a third punishment remains.”


“… If I do seize you … you shall be so stretched that you will think your anus never had any wrinkles.”


The third punishmen treferred to in the Epigram is irrumation or coition with the mouth. The Romans regarded irrumation as a far more shameful vice than sodomy. In the Kama Sutra a chapter is devoted to ‘Mouth Congress’, in which the process is divided into eight stages:

1 The nominal congress
2 Biting the sides
3 Pressing outside
4 Pressing inside
5 Kissing
6 Rubbing
7 Sucking a mango fruit and
8 Swallowing up.


 If the threat of punishment by  irrumation were to be resurrected I predict a sudden corresponding rise in the theft of root vegetables…….

Published in: on June 3, 2009 at 7:55 am  Comments (37)  

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  1. “… If I do seize you … you shall be so stretched that you will think your anus never had any wrinkles.”

    The ancient greeks were awesome!

  2. I agree Alex. It appears I grossly underestimated their sense of humour 😉

    • I can’t remember the name of it but I studied a play back in high school, from Ancient greece, and it was hilarious, so sexually explicit as well. Well for High school it was.

      That was the great thing about the greeks their gods were far from perfect, so many human qualities and base desires.

  3. Actually what the Romans regarded as shameful (for a man, women didn’t count, sorry nurse, not my fault) was being penetrated. Any kind of penetration was virile and acceptable, no matter who or what you were penetrating or where you were penetrating them. So irrumation (penetrating someone’s mouth) was fine, fellatio (having your mouth penetrated) was not.

    Oh, and have you noticed the root of “penetrate”?

    • now I have….. 😉

      • You should just write a book on the images you find on the internet.

  4. By McGoo’s cabbage, I believe I’ve detected a pun or two or twelve.

  5. “why, yes, darling… i’d LOVE to participate in a round of mouth congress tonight”.

    so. not. sexy.

    [note to self: don’t send as text message to boy toyz]

  6. Really? I can get a nasty blow job merely by stealing some lettuce? This is not going to go over well at the local produce stand but at this point I’ll try anything.

  7. at least now i know who to pray to when i start growing weed. don’t steal my plants or your anus will have no wrinkles, with threats like that i could plant a garden in the front yard and even the cops would leave it alone.

  8. I can’t read your site when I first wake up. I thought it said Urination at first.

    And what is up with that sign. Here is what is says to me.

    HEY, I am over here, let me take you by the hand, push you on the swing until you are dizzy and do you you from behind. WhAT???

    • That’s what it says to me too

  9. She can suck my turnip.

  10. Root vegetables have already organized in their plight against being treated as ‘just an object’. You’ll have to deal with their attorneys now…

  11. That chapter of the Kama Sutra was an indispensable resource to me when I was fourteen. To this day I have rarely found a writer who can improve on it.

    I remain tickled at Vatsyayana’s assertion that “eunuchs disguised as males” (meaning straight-acting gay guys) “when they wish to do anything, lead the life of shampooers,” which was the term for a masseur in the public baths. Apparently people have been using my profession as a cover for sex for 4000 years; oh well.

    I am not going to explain this garden protection plan to my evangelical witnessing ex-drunk gardener.

  12. futter? she futtered from room to room looking for her mushed carrots.

    mangoes are ok. among the tropical fruits, i like bananas, pineapples and papayas better. and who hasn’t irrumationed a banana at least once in their life?

  13. Romans had slaves just so they could be the penetraters and not the penetratees.

  14. If only I could get out of the habit of taking the petit pois ……. oh well

  15. Y’know, I can actually see how this can be used as a real punishment. If I get off and she keeps going for any length of time, it can actually get kind of painful.

  16. Mouth congress – one of those rares times when anything pleasant is associated with congress.

  17. It sends shivers down my spine to think about the possible methods of capital punishment adopted in ancient Greece. One of the was probably Irrumaton Until Death!

  18. I guess this means I have to stop stealing beans and carrots in the garden and pay for them at the grocery store like everyone else.

    • Unless it’s a pretty girl doing the punishment. then it’s back to stealing.

  19. I’m just utterly baffled by the sign, which reads, to me: “I do jumping jacks of joy in front of people holding hands underneath a giant streetlight, whilst innocent children enjoy literal swinging so much that they don’t notice the other swingers in the foreground.”

    • well, it’s all about the swingers…..

  20. I must forward this to 2 of my mates who have set up small holdings .. I ma sure they will be leaving the gates unlocked in future 😉

  21. Now we know why an erection lasting more than four hours is called priapism.

    • Do you mean to say you really didn’t know that before reading this post? For shame, for shame!

  22. Your erudition slays me.

  23. Apparently, based on the amount of punishment I see being doled out here, prisons are full of murderers, bank robbers and vegetable thieves.

  24. That sign is just weird.

  25. So…..erm…… what root vegetables are growing in your garden at present nurse?
    And where did you say you lived?

  26. I’m only growing basil…..

  27. Kamasutra is also known to have described how to suck out unpleasant memories from the brain using fellatio. The only difference is the fellator may choose to spit !

    • Hey thanks for that extra bit of info ~uh~

  28. Look for me tonight in your garden. I’ll be the one with the open mouth. Agape.

  29. What about mangoes? Mangoes are God’s snot. Seriously perverse. I would never fellate or penetrate a mango. A honeydew melon yes, a mango no. Never. EWWWWW!


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