How the Count of Dingleberry expelled a Centipede from his Rod

darwinism

the following fragment from Landmarks in Gyneacology was written in the early 17th century.

“Count Percival of Dingleberry assures me that he ejected through his rod a live animal, not unlike a centipede in form but scab-red in color and smelling of fresh butter, which animal, after a great deal of lashing, leapt from the chamber pot and slithered under the bed, whereupon the Count’s cat, a fat old one-eyed mouser with shredded ears, devoured the worm and fell instantly dead.ย 

felinenativity

Because of the corruption of certain excrements that molder in their wombs, women have been known to expel from their wombs (sometimes with normal fetuses, other times as sole issue), insects, worms, oysters, frogs, toads, snakes, lizards, newts, horn-owls, monsters and harpies.

star nose mole embryo

Star-Nosed Mole embryo

Monsieur Bourgeois, a learned French physician and distant cousin of mine, delivered the monstrous birth of a tripe-monger’s wife well past age of child-bearing: a bladder-dugged hag with oysters for eyes and a black tongue, a scab-pated witch in a greasy kerchief whose ankles hung over her shoes. ย And the hag, insisting that she felt a child quick within her, begged Bourgeois to feel how the wee jester cut a caper in her belly. Not a drop of sap left in her, but this rancid old tripe-wife, this scrap of maggoty bacon, this roasted pig’s ear must spread her legs for the gentleman my cousin and scream like a sow in farrow. She showed him her privates, he gasped from the stench, and out popped a fat hairless cat, horned like the devil and mustachioed like a rake.

manning1


Published in: on June 7, 2009 at 7:59 am  Comments (37)  

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37 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You know i wouldn’t mind if my, to use Mr Bananas favourite word, ‘cha cha’ could occasionally ‘produce’ a neatly wrapped double-cheese burger. I do draw the line at house-pets and barnyard animals though

  2. how about a fillet ‘o’ fish?

    Less calories than a double-cheese burger

    • Not a fish fan i’m afraid :p

  3. “Monsieur Bourgeois, a learned French physician and distant cousin of mine…”

    Does this explain the fact that you were able to correct my mistake about Louise Bourgeois? Also a distant relative, perhaps?

  4. Haven’t you forgiven me for that act of pedantry yet?

    ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Hmm I’ve always been a cat fancier, and judging by that last pic, I feel the need to engage a tripe-monger in the kitchens – might liven the old place up a bit.

    Tinkle tinkle

    The King

  6. There are some days Nursey when I wish I wasn’t just about to eat …… mind you that Star Nosed Mole Embryo looks like a tasty morsel …….

  7. In the list of things expelled from wombs I thought at first that it said, “monsters and hippies.”

    I had a hippie in my womb once. I kicked him out because he wouldn’t pay rent.

  8. I thought the Count of Dingleberry was the guy who was the first to get little bits of Toilet Paper stuck to his Ass.

  9. so this is my introductory post for this blog. Very interesting Nursemyra!! I’m not sure what to make of it, but I’ll be back for more! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I keep coming back dear Lord, I don’t know why but I do! The commments to these posts keep me in stitches, very witty people over here, including nursemyra.

    • hey yorksnbeans, I’ve read your comments on other blogs. We seem to have quite a few friends in common. Welcome to the Gimcrack!

  10. count percival of dingleberry was clearly on acid… everyone knows that toxic penile centipedes do NOT smell of butter, but reek of lime and licorice…. geez.

    • The last one I smelt had a hint of cinnamon too.

  11. “It’s a girl! It’s a boy! It’s….a fat, mustachioed cat?”.

    I don’t think Hallmark has that covered.

  12. …I guess that explains the occasional odd whiff of fish.

  13. Cat Nativity is the most important piece of art since Dogs Playing Poker.

    • Yes, far superior to Elvis on velvet

  14. That is, without question, the greatest post title I have ever read.

  15. It’s amazing the we ever made it out of the 17th Century. It seems like all of the scientists were dingleberries.

  16. I am really, really impressed with that post!

    The imagery! The sights, sounds, and stenches!

  17. I feel sorry for the people back then.

    Nowadays, we have things like Valtrex to take care of those pesky harpies…

  18. There is something strangely familiar about the first image I am sure he was once a former colleague…… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  19. Oysters?

    • would you prefer lobster?

  20. If anyone were to expel a centipede from his rod, his name would have to be Dingleberry.

  21. Life is a wondrous thing.

  22. Oysters? Okay, I can accept the other ones leaping from an unkempt crevasse, but oysters?

    • I would’ve preferred a pearl to pop out ….

      • … or better yet, a string of ’em

  23. The Count Percival of Dingleberry had a very entertaining rod. Mine is so boring in comparison. All it does is dispense urine.

  24. if a horn-owl expells
    from my womb, please
    shoot me. i mean it.

  25. ‘She showed him her privates, he gasped from the stench, and out popped a fat hairless cat, horned like the devil and mustachioed like a rake.’

    Ah that old chestnut… holy shit!

  26. well I certainly won’t get to sleep very soon now. thanks a lot. ๐Ÿ™‚

  27. That is brilliant writing.

    There is nothing on the link you posted. Do you know the author? I need that in my library. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • oh I didn’t know the link was down. It was an anonymous English physician with the nom de plume of Sophipygus…. (an excerpt from the article below)

      “Unfortunately, the bulk of the unprinted manuscript was destroyed by fire, worms, and the dribblings of a very acidic wine fermented by an obscure group of monks in Blackmoor, which seems to have had an especially corrosive effect on the lamb-hide parchment and gallnut ink that Sophipygus used.”

  28. Those physicians of the old days wouldn’t know a teratoma if it bit them. And some of them might.


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