mismatch made in heaven

Ida Craddock is still dispensing wedding night advice


“These directions are of especial importance where the organs of the bride and bridegroom are so ill-matched as to make what is termed “a matrimonial misfit.” Sometimes the man’s organ, which in a state of activity should be about six inches in length, is much longer and proportionately large; and if the woman’s orifice and vagina chance to be unusually small, great suffering will result unless one party or the other has been cautioned and knows what to do


In a case where the organ had attained a phenomenal length, the man married a young woman of average proportions, and almost killed her upon the wedding night. Fortunately, the family physician, to whom the suffering bride referred her case, insisted that the husband should wear a pad, made as a ring, which prevented the entrance of the organ beyond a certain distance; and the couple are now living happily and have had several children.


Or the organ, while of average length, may be slender, and the woman’s orifice and vagina unusually large, so that his organ does not completely fill it, and this often fails to result in full satisfaction to the woman. In the latter case the male organ can sometimes be enlarged by electrical treatment. But I think that where the organs of either party depart very greatly from the average size, the party who is abnormal in size one way or the other is committing a great wrong upon the other party not to give due notification of his or her abnormality in advance.


Published in: on June 11, 2009 at 8:14 am  Comments (35)  

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35 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Reminds me of the classical engineering problem of shaft and piston.
    Either the shaft gets worn out or the piston.

  2. But giving due notification of his or her abnormality in advance could lead to yet another lonely night. It’s better to soldier on in the face of impossible odds, don’t you think? That’s what I do.

  3. It’s obvious Ida believes size matters.

  4. That Ida is such a card, isn’t she? Um, is there a form I have to fill out to give appropriate notification?

    • Take UB’s advice instead

  5. “….and if the woman’s orifice and vagina chance to be unusually small”

    Orifice? Is she talking about what I think she is talking about?

  6. Trying to think what electrical equipment was available in 1900 to grow a unit longer.

  7. wait, wait, wait…. on the LAST post she forbid the use of anything but a penis on the woman. NOW she says that if it’s small it may not satisfy the woman…

    she has set off all of my “Vulcan Logic Failure” alarms. Ida must be sent to the woodshed. With the object being displayed by the woman in the last picture…

    • Daisyfae you’re a hard taskmistress

  8. “…the husband should wear a pad, made as a ring…”

    Tip: the readily available inflatable hemorrhoid-sufferer’s donut, while a bit snug, works just fine for me.

    Hugh Junet

    • I’m impressed!

      • Well… now I feel guilty because it is not strictly true, it is just internet true. In the future I pledge to limit myself to empirical fact. Wow, coming clean feels great!

        Al Fernuttin

  9. Personally, if it came down to it I think I’d rather the former…you should hear what they call the women with abnormally large orifaces around here…

    It isn’t pretty.

    • Is an oriface anything like one of those sordid inflatable dolls engineered to give a crude blow job?

  10. As to the woman with the unusually small vagina, it will stretch ladies and gentlemen, it will stretch. After all, babies come out of there. As to the man with the unusually small penis, I find them very attentive lovers. They don’t bother to take Ida’s advice from yesterday, and use all manner of things to bring a woman to climax.

  11. My definition of due notification is the sound of my zipper.

    • hahahahahaha…….

  12. Linda said to her lover, “I have to marry a man with a nine inch cock.”

    Her man got on the phone and a few minutes later hung up, smiling. “It’s great,” he says “The doctor says he can cut it down to any size you want!”

    And there was joy.

  13. more reasons for pre-marital sex!! 😉

  14. They need to add that question to the marriage license application:

    “Is your vag:
    A) cavernous
    B) normal
    C) wee”

  15. Where do you find this stuff? Good lord. The male organ can be enlarged by electrical treatment? That sounds terrible. I think my vagina is pretty normal sized. I’ve never had any complaints.

  16. Life certainly can get complicated.

  17. I’d like to know how you go about actually giving ‘due notification’. He makes it sound like you should write a letter via a lawyer or something:

    Dear Mavis, I am writing to inform you that my member is of rather monstrous proportions…

    • Dear John,

      Prove it.

      • Claire you’re cracking me up

  18. Almost killed her? Must have been quite a stud.

  19. Too bad men don’t come with Satisfaction Guaranteed contracts. Test them out and if they don’t fit, return them.

  20. Silverstar is right up to a point — the guys with real whoppers, in my experience, tend to think that all they have to do is have a tool like that and a woman will collapse in ecstasy, maybe from across the room, even if they themselves have the tenderness and sensitivity of a guy with an air hammer or the hygiene of a swamp monster. And what is the deal with repeatedly telling a woman EXACTLY what the measurements are?

    My Brit ex once woke up in the morning with a spanking great woody, jumped out of bed, measured it, announced the figure to two decimal places, jumped back into bed and went to sleep.

    • Jesus! How long did you date him for sledpress?

      • It was a long distance romance that included an absent-minded offer of marriage. Well, I saw a lot of London and the South of England. About a year and a half.

  21. Some gals will put up with anything to see a lot of London 😉

    • It was the RAF Tank Museum and Duxford Airfield that made me hold out… that and the bookshops of Oxford

      • Former Frontier Editor must love you

  22. If the sorry mook would get back on his blog, we could find out 😦

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