he of the silver anus

cocaine digestive tonic

Sylvanus Stall was a Lutheran pastor who produced one of the first ever talking books, sold as a set of 24 wax cylinders. It was a diatribe aimed at keeping young boys from succumbing to the evils of masturbation.

anti masturbation apparatus

This was not the only sex advice he dispensed. He also wrote a book titled “What a Man of Forty Five Ought to Know”

“Many young men are deceived because old men who have led impure lives continue to vaunt their corruption of thought and speech, even after they have lost all sexual power and the uninformed suppose that these senile old men still actualise the evil of which they so boastingly speak. The listener does not know that the mind continues to grow increasingly corrupt even after sexual power has wholly departed.

arbus wheelchair

photograph by Diane Arbus

Among the early indications of waning sexuality are the streaks of grey that appear in hair or beard. It might be unsafe to impute the full significance of this to young persons who are members of families where premature greyness is common.

effects of masturbation

The teeth are likely to give indications of more rapid decay. Instead of being able to expel at a strong stream, urine is now devoid of its force. The sensibility of the testes becomes blunted, the scrotum wrinkles, the testicles atrophy. The zoosperms are small and languid.

Clinical Genetics

At around forty five years of age when the vital forces  should be in every way economised , sexual indulgences should be discontinued. **

**nursemyra apologises to all still virile men over 40 who are reading this post. Bring sperm samples (preferably still in their original container) to my clinic on Thursday mornings for free testing.

tulipan condoms

Published in: on June 18, 2009 at 8:09 am  Comments (34)  

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34 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. “…they have lost all sexual power…”

    Men over 45? Lost sexual power?!?!? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa! *snort* HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAA! *hic* Oh, shit…. that’s just funny…..

    a lie, perpetuated by young men, to reduce the competition?

  2. Har! No grey here….

  3. 45 here, and rifle still fires live rounds on request. Cannae say that I’ve ever looked at the anus colour, but after last nights intake it could well be on the brown side.

  4. Initially, I was going to say that new technologies should not be used to suppress natural sexual urges. The first talking books were used for evil. Then I realized that VHS and the internet came to the masses via the porn industry, so science occasionally gets it right.

  5. Lead em not into temptation, Revrend Stall.

    You give a young fella 24 wax cylindrs sayin “Dont masturbate” and Im guessin th lad will only see a couple dozn reasns to wax off.

  6. “Bring sperm samples (preferably still in their original container)’ – I love this line.

  7. Just love the last pic (much better than yesterday’s)! Even the washing machine door is open…what a hoot!

  8. I was thinking that they have to be about forty-five before they have even a lick of sense. So to speak.

  9. ah yes, aging. drooping. wrinkles.
    i thought sex was an elixer to keep the skin supple and the senses keen?
    surely mr. stall was incorrect in his observations?

  10. looks like our ‘dude’ is propping his feet on the rim of the washing machine for leverage… might be worth a try.. now if we could only make that work with the machine running, with an off balance load of laundry.. talk about rocking my.. or someone’s world…..
    Love that picture.

    • Ah… the old “leaning against the rocking washer” trick…..

  11. Zoosperms …

    Are they kept in cages or in aquariums?

    • you mean AFTER they emerge from the original container?


  12. Having been married to a man 20 years my senior, I can testify that there is even sex after sixty.

  13. Wow, it’s like old Sylvannus was writing my life story. Well, about my senility and bragging about my evil, not that other stuff, regardless of what you might have heard elsewhere.

  14. I’d just like to know how my picture in the wheelchair was taken by Diane Arbus …. I would have liked to comb my hair first ……

  15. Ta for clinic offer. Can’t make Sydney personally but you should receive a big jar of ageing spunk by Fedex in the next few days. Can you send back what you don’t use please? I hate to waste stuff these days.

  16. maybe he can get his silver anus bleached?

    • A bit of polish should do. TV does sell the “miracle cloth” which does a dandy ring job.
      My gold crowns feel taint as faint exotica.

      Ore Vilredden

  17. Just noting down a few points to add to the reasons to change my ’10 years either way (of my age)’ rule 😉

  18. I’m prepared to submit samples in the morning, afternoon, and the evening if you’re available.

    • My clinic is always open to you renalfailure

  19. I sending mine. It will be in the the stuffed and mounted hamster.

    • Fabulous! you know how much I want that hamster

  20. All I know is that after looking at the picture of Diego up top there? I don’t think I’m capable of sexual thought, corrupt or no. Dude is creepy!

  21. excellent advertisement for the dangers of post hoc ergo propter hoc

  22. There may be snow on the roof, but there’s fire in the furnace.

  23. Damn grey hairs.

  24. ok, but my original container is pretty full right now, are you going to be able to use all of it?


  26. While I admire the determination of that last couple, I’m not really that big a fan of dry humping.

  27. I can’t believe not another person has noted the name of the product being advertised at the head of the post: “Pepto cocaina” The mind boggles at the implications of such a name, and perhaps using the product is what accounts for the rather wild look on the purveyors face.

    I can testify that there is sex after 56 anyway, we’ll see how it goes. What I have noticed from my own personal experience is that it doesn’t happen as often as it did 30 years ago, but it is just as much fun if not more, and it has the added piquancy that usually we are engaged in that activity while everybody else is watching the clock at work hoping to survive until 5 o’clock when they can go home exhausted and try to scrounge up some food for dinner.

  28. I’m envious

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