who not to marry

Apologies for not posting yesterday. nursemyra is feeling particularly uninspired, laid up in bed with an upper respiratory tract infection. The most I can conjour up is a list of things to be aware of when considering matrimony

The Koka Shastra or Scripture of Koka was written in the 12th century.

kama25

Much of its advice centres around sex positions but it also brings to our attention some defects you should be wary of when choosing a bride.

Red hair

willie01

artwork by John Willie

Any girl named after a mountain, a tree, a river or a bird

hats

Rough hands or feet

rough hands & baby humours

Sighing, laughing or crying at meals

valium

Inverted nipples, beards, uneven breasts, flappy ears, spindly legs or scrawniness

kev walsh

Big toes that are disproportionately small

AUSTRIA/

Girls who make the ground shake as they go past

isobel varley isobel

Isobel Varley

Published in: on July 14, 2009 at 7:48 am  Comments (42)  

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  1. With all those prohibitions, it’s a wonder that any women were good enough to marry. I fail on the crying and laughing at meals myself.

    • What – no sighing as well?

      • I mostly sigh. At least if the food is good. The only man who ever told me that was objectionable was a sensual retardate who couldn’t have gotten laid in a Chinese whorehouse with a sack of rice on his back.

  2. The only favourable position I can think of for Isobel ‘Inky’ Varley, would be for her to be bent over backwards and packed into a large trunk shortly before being thrown into a deep river.

    The ‘big toes’ artwork did give me food for thought though. I wonder what’s for lunch? Surely not fish again..

  3. I must draw the line at flappy ears and breads when I was looking for a wife!

    • sorry, fingers aere slow this morning. I was trying to say beards! My bad!!

  4. I agree with your list, especially Isobel. Hope you get better soon.

  5. Well, can’t say I’ve ever looked for a bride …, though my attempts at husbands aren’t doing too well either ….

    (Get well soon nursemyra! xx)

  6. Those first few illustrations had me strangely excited. Then the last couple just ruined it.

    I once met a reprehensible woman who laughed, cried, and sighed throughout the course of one meal. Needless to say she is still a spinster living with a hoard of cats.

    I hope you get better soon. I recommend witch hazel or bloodletting.

  7. I can attest to the redhead thing 😉

    • but…. isn’t Dr O’C a redhead?

  8. I suspect women invented the list just so they wouldn’t ever have to get married … imagine the drudgery of dem olden days. I’d wail and weep and laugh to get out of marriage for sure.
    Take care NurseM … we do not want swine flu now do we!

  9. who knew that valium was a perfectly good substitute for a husband and children? she-ittt… i missed that. (take care of yourself!)

  10. My rough-handed wife Mississippi and I were just laughing over dinner about her inverted nipples. Can this marriage be saved?

    Ben Toda-Altar

    • Nope sorry. Four strikes and she’s out

  11. now, let’s see the list of mens characteristics to watch out for!

    • Um. . . I’m trying really hard to think of any characteristics of any male or female that WOULD prompt me to marry them. . .

    • Um. . . I don’t want to marry anyone. . .

      • Not even Benicio del Toro?

  12. Yeah that’s right:

    1. Men with no facial hair
    2. Men with small big toes (and we all know what that means)
    3. Men with larger breasts than the prospective bride
    4. Men who think they have a sense of humour
    5. Men who cry in movies like “Truly, Madly, Deeply”
    6. Men who can’t change a lightbulb
    7. Men who like moonlit strolls along the beach at night
    8. Men who like camping
    9. Men who never finish… oh bugger it I’m done

    The King

    • i definitely can’t be with a man who has larger breasts than my own-unless it’s a woman. whoo-hoo, get better NM.

    • I don’t know any men who’ve seen Truly, Madly, Deeply let alone cried during it

  13. Actually

    10. Men who say “I’ve changed” and think they mean it
    11. Men who believe in starsigns
    12. Men whose farts can’t kill at twenty paces
    13. Men who don’t appreciate a good Nursey!

    The King

  14. Any woman who can bend backwards like that painting has a leg up on the competition, should I choose to marry. And add to that, my admittedly anecdotal evidence point to the craziness in bed of women with geographic names, and I think you can discount this guys ideas of who to marry.

    But I’m sort of trampy.

  15. What if she only tittrs durin meals?

    Probly means she gots th Baby Humors.

    Which probly means she gots red rough hands too.

    Ah, but them lovely tittrs …

    • I read somewhere that sperm hand cream is good for those rough red hands……

    • Yeah, but them rough hands can be murdr, when tryin to get th cream to come outski.

      • hahahahahaha

  16. So I glad I don’t demand a list of who not to marry… I’d love a list from you on who not to make out…

    Hummmm… that makes me think of that “What no to wear show”… they could come up with a show where they would pay some money for us to trade our old ugly unfashionable bad taste women for a brand new super chic one… 🙂

  17. Bugger the blog, I hope you’re OK …. public *hugs* and a sly *kiss*

  18. Bummer on the illness. Another reason to never go anywhere…

    Now Isobel…if I only had a dollar for every Tat she has…

  19. So you are saying it probably isn’t a good idea to marry a red headed big eared lumberjack named Robin who eats onions daily (causing the tearing up at the table)

  20. thanks NM. Get well soon 🙂

  21. Upper respiratory tract infection? Is that like a chest cold? Protect that chest!

  22. i’m sorry you are feeling sick. some hot chamomile tea is good for you.
    i love that: if being neurotic disqualifies one for marriage, at least there’s valium. LOL

  23. Hope you feel better soon, Nursie. I can’t see the fun of the position in the first picture.

  24. hope you are feeling better hun x

  25. Isobel Varley. It’s not art for me, that’s ugly. I confess I’m not a Tattoo person and I would never have one (permanent) myself, but some of the smaller Tattoos are always nice to look. But this woman? The colours blend to gether in a way when you look from afar at her and remind me of “unappetizing”.

  26. Also a penis. Avoid marrying any girl with a penis.

    If she has a penis of her own, you will very rapidly become redundant.

  27. RE:”an upper respiratory tract infection”.
    I hope you get well soon!

    • Thanks Mark, I went back to work today after three days off. Think I’m almost better now.


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