heady business

Stanley Lovell worked in the Office of Strategic Services during the Second World War

war

“Another device we made for intelligence agents originated when a spy told me he was nearly trapped in the Adlon Hotel in Berlin.

“I would have given anything'” he said, “if I could have created a panic in that lobby.”

AbramsScienceInvention001

My answer to the spy’s suggestion was “Hedy.” Hedy was a simple firecracker device which, when you pulled a small wire loop, simulated the screeching Doppler effect of a falling Nazi bomb and then ended in a deafening roar but all completely harmless. By activating Hedy the agent could have a chance to escape in the turmoil he had created. It was named after Hedy Lamarr, because my lusty young officers said she created panic wherever she went.

Hedy-Lamarr

Equally simple was the explosive candle. Pretend you know a French girl who has access to a German officer’s study or bedroom. Give her your candle to replace the half-consumed one already there. It will burn perfectly until the flame touches the high explosive composing the lower two-thirds of the candle. Since the wick extends into a detonator and the latter is embedded in the explosive, the burst is as effective as any hand grenade.

suzette

Women’s accessories offered a wide source of concealment. It is easy to melt a lipstick, pour the molten wax around the message tube and recast it in its original shape. All containers for the female form divine become themselves available as concealment areas. Steels in corsets and foundation garments can be deadly stilettos provided they don’t work loose and stab the operator in a critical area. We are, as it happens, considering a still sensitive area of activity in camouflage, so the reader’s imagination will have to supply the devices omitted from this recitation.

happiness

My favorite attack on Adolf Hitler was a glandular approach. America’s top diagnosticians and gland experts agreed with me that he was definitely close to the male-female line. His poor emotional control, his violent passions, his selection of companions like Roehm, all led me to feel that a push to the female side might do wonders. The hope was that his moustache would fall off and his voice become soprano.

facial hair

Hitler was a vegetarian. At Berchtesgaden, the vegetable garden that supplied his melodramatic Eagle’s Nest on the rocky peak had to have gardeners. A plan to get an O.S.S. man there, or an anti-Nazi workman, was approved. I supplied female sex hormones and, just for variety’s sake, now and then a carbamate or other quietus medication, all to be injected into der Fiihrer’s carrots, beets or whatever went up to his larder.

Since he survived, I can only assume that the gardener took our money and threw the syringes and medications into the nearest thicket. Either that or Hitler had a big turnover in his “tasters”

PillMan


Published in: on October 11, 2009 at 9:11 am  Comments (21)  
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21 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Brilliantly entertaining as ever…. once more I live and learn!

  2. Ah jimmy, so good to see you back here again xx

  3. The models used in those “instant slimming” ads never need slimming. Where did the last image come from? It reminds me of the jacket of James Frey’s “Million Little Pieces.”

    • Sorry UB, that pic has been in my folder for a year or two now. Have no idea where I originally found it
      😦

  4. that Hedy device could also be quite useful in meetings… hmmm….

  5. All corsets are tactical corsets, even the ones without weapons in them.

  6. I love secret weapons, and I want all of them! The candle would just be so much fun. I also think that they were right about Hitler; I think he was a closet gay who tried like hell to hide it. Much like many republicans in the US. They are willing to look like such assholes if they think people won’t know they’re really gay!

  7. Wonder why more women aren’t spies with all the built in concealment in their accessories.

  8. ‘Women’s accessories offered a wide source of concealment.’… ahem!! of course we are so very resourceful we have a multitude of hidden weapons 😉

  9. Reminds me of the attempts to gimmick Castro’s cigars. Those didn’t work either.

    There was nothing particularly gay about Hitler, though it was true of a number of his associates (Ernst Roehm and Baldur von Schirach come to mind). Big difference between being gay and having some sort of knot in your dick. His liaisons were all with women and the few who remarked publicly registered some sort of disgust; coprophilia of some sort has been alleged.

    I have never gone in for accessories myself. I would just have to punch someone out and run like hell.

    • I bet you pack a real good punch too 🙂

  10. The Look I want? A nice huge Van Buren, I would be so SEXY!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Van_Buren

    • Oh dear. He looks like one of my patients

      • The wildly streaming presidential hair looks a little like David Ben Gurion, first Prime Minster of Israel.

  11. This all reds out like a precursor to James Bond. I think the gardener took the money and ran.

  12. ‘that he was definitely close to the male-female line’

    Hahahaha… All that says to me is Hitler was evil because he was almost a women…

  13. What a great idea for a Holocaust movie! Hitler’s cook gets experimental… I love the Hedy, every war should have one.

  14. love it – you’re truly gifted

    http://theproblemwithwomen.blogspot.com …any advice?

  15. Injecting female sex hormones into der Fuhrer’s carrot…?

    I think that would droop any man’s moustache.

  16. there’s enough juice here to make another angelina movie! *BOOM*


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