more strange rectal tales


We’ve previously posted stories about the strange things people insert in their anuses but it seems there’s a never ending trove of these tales. Our old friends Gould and Pyle describe some results of “self medicating”

In his memoirs of the old Academy of Surgery in Paris, Morand speaks of a monk who, to cure a violent colic, introduced into his fundament a bottle of l’eau de la reine de Hongrie, with a small opening in its mouth, by which the contents, drop by drop, could enter the intestine. He found he could not remove the bottle, and violent inflammation ensued. It was at last necessary to secure a boy with a small hand to extract the bottle.

babyjesus from sodahead

Studsgaard mentions that in the pathologic collection at Copenhagen there is a long, smooth stone, 17 cm. long, weighing 900 gm., which a peasant had introduced into his rectum to relieve prolapsus. The stone was extracted in 1756 by a surgeon named Frantz Dyhr. Jeffreys speaks of a person who, to stop diarrhea, introduced into his rectum a piece of wood measuring seven inches.


Hunter mentions a native Indian, a resident of Coorla, who had introduced a bullock’s horn high up into his abdomen, which neither he nor his friends could extract.


In Nelson’s Northern Lancet, 1852, there is the record of a case of a man at stool, who slipped on a cow’s horn, which entered the rectum and lodged beyond the sphincter. It was only removed with great difficulty.


Studsgaard mentions a man of thirty-five who, for the purpose of stopping diarrhea, introduced into his rectum a preserve-bottle nearly seven inches long with the open end uppermost.


“Preserves” found at Modern Mechanix

Published in: on October 17, 2009 at 7:54 am  Comments (23)  
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23 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Blimey thank goodness for Imodium lol

    I love what it says on the pills ad ‘keep your head cool, your feet warm and your bowels open’ ….. what a mantra 😉

    • Open all the time….? Ewwwww

  2. Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!

  3. Has David Hasselhoff got something stuck up his bum too?

  4. Don’t tell me, the fella who slipped on the coo’s horn while squeezing his head, he also has a pal who went into a field for a pish and a sheep backed onto him in the fog, reet?

    Coffee and anal insertions… what better to start a hangover day with. Thanks for that.

  5. I don’t think the preserve bottle guy really had diarrhea, I think he was trying to pickle his poop.

  6. My mom was always interested in our bowel movements or lack of them as the case may be, but I think that may have been for different reasons.

    Come Visit Silly Saturday

  7. “…case of a man at stool, who slipped on a cow’s horn, which entered the rectum…”

    I am confused by the physics of the above. Perhaps if it said “slipped in.” I used to work in a record store and I was creeped out every time I had to sell that Herbie Mann album. He put the sexy in guys playing flutes. It was excessively breathy, too.

    Don Havtalikit

  8. tucking a bottle in your bum to catch liqui-poo? that’s never going to end well… even if successful… yikes…

  9. These stories are why you need to check with someone else before you enact a wild plan that you’ve concocted.

    “Hey do you think it’s a good idea for me to shove a block of wood up my ass to stop my diarrhea?”

    “That doesn’t sound right… maybe you should just cool it on the Indian food for a while.”

  10. I can beat all those with a tale from my Albino Ex, who worked ambulance in Boston.

    One day they had just dropped off a cardiac case and some guys from the next company over came in with a fellow face down on a stretcher.

    He and his boyfriend had been playing around and a bullet vibrator, buzzing away, had slipped up too far to be retrieved.

    They were both kind of fucked up on something so the obvious course seemed to involve applying Superglue to the end of a Fenway Park souvenir toy baseball bat (about a foot in total length) and fish for the bullet vibe, kind of like a kid with gum on a stick fishing for coins in the sewer grate.

    So the guy was prone on a stretcher with a sheet tented over a gently vibrating protrusion from his bum.

    I bet they were pissed if it turns out to be true that a strong saline solution will loosen up Superglue.

    Cross my heart. I tell the tale that I heard told, and the ex never bullshit about EMS stories.

    • No need to cross your heart sledpress – I have no trouble believing that story. No trouble at all 😦

    • Jesus, Sledpress. That’s quite the story…

      • He had trunks full of them…

  11. Even in miniature baseball, the guy behind the guy who is “on deck” is said to be “in the hole.” I am deeply disappointed that I can’t make this more pertinent.

    Yogi Bare

  12. That made me Jizz in my pants

    • you’re too easy Malach

  13. the only thing i’m putting up there is chewing gum.

  14. How bad does diarrhea have to be for anybody to think blocking the hole is a good idea?

  15. I assume you’ve read some of the “Things I’ve learned from my patients” thread? The excuses that people come up with to ‘introduce into their fundament.’ I’m down with the whole self-medicating scene, but unless it’s an opiate suppository, count me out!

    • Yes I did Scott… pretty funny stuff

  16. First, what a horrid album cover, I wonder if he lived that down or if he even collects royalties from “Push Push.” Second there will never be an end to crazy stories of tings entering peoples rear ends. There will always be someone who thinks they are adventurous.

  17. okay NM, the only part of this post i could actually relate to was the a 7″ piece of wood, everything else is a blur…

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