crisp advice

Recently I read Quentin Crisp’s Manners From Heaven, a slim and delightful book which advise the reader how to glide through life without behaving like a cad.

a minute with venus

One should never introduce a sexual element into a relationship if none is intended, if you do, you cannot claim to be surprised  if someone tries to seduce you. If you have misled someone into thinking you are available, if you have accepted gifts and shown no concern where such generosity might lead, then instead of protesting when The Pounce comes, you should acknowledge responsibility and accept the consequences. In most cases, an act of sex is no more bother than being vaccinated. With good manners you can avoid having to make this sacrifice, but should you find yourself in a situation of your own making, you should stop defending your virtue and start worrying about your maturity. It will give you something to think about while the savage pumper bangs away.

AlcibiadeGlycere

Advice to gentlemen readers

“When you have actually kissed her and she has not squeaked, run away or hit you, you may assume you can proceed further but with caution. A man should treat a woman’s feelings with all the acute respect he would have for nature when shooting the rapids in a wild river. You proceed tentatively in Braille with your seduction, the less said the better.

porn for the blind

Later, when the beast-with-two-backs has finished its lowly task and reverted to its separate selves, and the woman is musing over the mystery of life and you are contemplating the meaninglessness of existence, whilst the two of you are sharing a post-coital cigarette in an effort to boost your mood after so much anxiety and strain, as you lie exhausted after the ritual of compulsive excitation and hollow release, you may well wonder if it was all worth it

When an affair is over

There is probably no polite way of ending an affair except by constantly putting obstacles in the way of further meetings between your unstable self and the man foolish enough to believe he loves you. A man should take three consecutive refusals to meet him as a definite sign that an affair is over. As a general rule in our modern times a man must accept that when the cock cries thrice and is thrice denied it is time to take his erection elsewhere.

martin van maele

Published in: on November 12, 2009 at 7:13 am  Comments (38)  
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  1. “A man should treat a woman’s feelings with all the acute respect he would have for nature when shooting the rapids in a wild river.”

    Aye, and then hold on tight for a wet and wild ride.

  2. “When you have actually kissed her and she has not squeaked, run away or hit you, you may assume you can proceed further but with caution.

    But stand back, because sometimes she’s just saving it up until after she sees your weiner…

  3. Drollarious! He describes a “…ritual of compulsive excitation and hollow release…” Hmmmm; when did Mr. Crisp meet with my wife, he wondered hesitantly, shamedly, reluctantly, doggedly.

    Anita Maakedquik

  4. You have to admire a cock that tries thrice.

    Thursday Thirteen – Me & Music

  5. When I first moved to New York in the mid-80s I almost hit Quentin Crisp while riding my bike through the East Village. Not long after that, I almost smacked into Norman Mailer while biking in Brooklyn Heights. It’s true! I though I could take out the entire literary community of New York.

    Off topic: Did you see that a Warhol just sold at Sotheby’s for a cool $43.7 million! Andy is so happy right now. Hop over to the NY Times and read the article on the auction results from that sale. Fantastic.

    • Addendum: Quentin Crisp is the subject of Sting’s Englishman in New York.

      • Have always loved that song. It makes me think of my hubby when he came over the pond.

    • What an outrageous sum! (I once nearly stood on Chloe Sevigny’s dog in NYC)

    • What, Andy’s skull’s grinning is it?

      The King

      • half grin half grimace

  6. Post-coital cigarettes make me wish I’d learned to smoke.

  7. I’ve been in love with Quentin ever since The Naked Civil Servant. He was in the NY phone book and would have tea with anyone who chose to call and invite him – I have a friend who did just that.

    • I’m envious of your friend…. how did the tea go?

  8. This man is obviously a genius and i now must read all his books.

    • oh yes you must, he was hilariously funny. His movie reviews are a riot

  9. “One should never introduce a sexual element into a relationship if none is intended”

    What if the sexual element IS intended but putting a ring on it at a future date is not?

  10. I’ve never heard of this man but intend to go find his works…
    I love the “proceed tentatively with Braille” and the accompanying picture.

  11. “In most cases, an act of sex is no more bother than being vaccinated.”

    So true! 😉

  12. That was hilarious! This Quentin Crisp seems to be a delightful chap. Do you know where I can find some more of his writings?

    • Some of his books are out of print, but most can still be found in libraries. A Naked Civil Servant should be available in any large bookstore

      • And you can see a lot of interviews with him on Youtube. He really is something else. The first time I heard him was on a compilation album of alternative music back in 1982 called “Pillows and Prayers.”

        A great album.

  13. This was really entertaining. I’ll only come calling two more times before I take my erection elsewhere! That last picture is hilarious!

  14. “after so much anxiety and strain” Was I being watched???

  15. damn, you have a most unique elegant manner of scribe…

  16. I would like to be known as a savage pumper.

    Funny… I contemplate the meaningless of existence all the time except post-coitus. At that point I love the universe and everything has meaning.

  17. Ah, more gems from the Naked Civil Servant.

    Well myra, in my own naked uncivil way, I took the liberty of nominating Gimcrack for the best Aussie/NZ Blog at the 2009 Weblog Awards. Not to woryy, you’ve only received 3 votes–all mine. However, if your posse is so inclined, now they know.

    It all started with a prank I have running at my place–which actually stirred McGoo from retirement, if only for a short while. Stop over, perhaps you’d like to play along.

    • thanks for the nomination cbul 😉

  18. “after so much anxiety and strain, as you lie exhausted after the ritual of compulsive excitation and hollow release”

    I must be doing this wrong. What anxiety? This whole description seems so negative for something that we enjoy so much over here at The Havens.

  19. What lovely manners he recommends! I have never read any Quentin Crisp, but I shall have to seek some out now.

  20. Crisp is one of my heroes. As he said himself: “One of the stately homos of England.” Who else could have played Queen Elizabeth in her old age onscreen with such aplomb?

    “How to Have A Lifestyle” is also quite a treat.

  21. So your saying I need to get a divorce?

  22. Are you suggesting I can get laid if I would just go get a flu shot?

    • that’s no ‘flu shot they’re offering…….

  23. i am never surprised at being seduced.
    i build walls and make barriers.
    i have a moat.
    armies have come and gone.

  24. Oh I’m pretty sure the cock goes elsewhere, thrice or no thrice 🙂

  25. I knew those blind bastards were all just reading porn.

    Seriously, if you have to finger out each fricken letter, one at a time, what would be worth the effort other than porn?

    I’ll bet no-one has read this far into this comment, and they’re sighted!

  26. The advice for men is spot on. Actually all of it is great. I love it.

  27. He must, surely, have been the wisest man ever to have lived?


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