Recently I read Quentin Crisp’s Manners From Heaven, a slim and delightful book which advise the reader how to glide through life without behaving like a cad.
One should never introduce a sexual element into a relationship if none is intended, if you do, you cannot claim to be surprised if someone tries to seduce you. If you have misled someone into thinking you are available, if you have accepted gifts and shown no concern where such generosity might lead, then instead of protesting when The Pounce comes, you should acknowledge responsibility and accept the consequences. In most cases, an act of sex is no more bother than being vaccinated. With good manners you can avoid having to make this sacrifice, but should you find yourself in a situation of your own making, you should stop defending your virtue and start worrying about your maturity. It will give you something to think about while the savage pumper bangs away.
Advice to gentlemen readers
“When you have actually kissed her and she has not squeaked, run away or hit you, you may assume you can proceed further but with caution. A man should treat a woman’s feelings with all the acute respect he would have for nature when shooting the rapids in a wild river. You proceed tentatively in Braille with your seduction, the less said the better.
Later, when the beast-with-two-backs has finished its lowly task and reverted to its separate selves, and the woman is musing over the mystery of life and you are contemplating the meaninglessness of existence, whilst the two of you are sharing a post-coital cigarette in an effort to boost your mood after so much anxiety and strain, as you lie exhausted after the ritual of compulsive excitation and hollow release, you may well wonder if it was all worth it
When an affair is over
There is probably no polite way of ending an affair except by constantly putting obstacles in the way of further meetings between your unstable self and the man foolish enough to believe he loves you. A man should take three consecutive refusals to meet him as a definite sign that an affair is over. As a general rule in our modern times a man must accept that when the cock cries thrice and is thrice denied it is time to take his erection elsewhere.