spell this

Lady Jane Wilde was not only the mother of Oscar, she was also the compiler of Ancient Legends, Mystic Charms and Superstitions. One of her cures for sore breasts is to rub them all over with butter.

Here is her advice for those who wish they had more money

“Kill a black cock, and go to the meeting of three cross-roads where a murderer is buried. Throw the dead bird over your left shoulder then and there, after nightfall, in the name of the devil, holding a piece of money in your hand all the while. And ever after, no matter what you spend, you will always find the same piece of money undiminished in your pocket.”

Her recipe for the lovelorn is even more gruesome

“Go to a graveyard at night, exhume a corpse that has been nine days buried and tear down a strip of the skin from head to foot. Tie this around the leg or the arm of the one you love while he sleeps, but remove it before he wakes. As long as you keep this secret strip hidden from all eyes you will retain his love.”

***This is not what she meant……..

*** Not to be viewed while eating

Published in: on February 6, 2010 at 8:08 am  Comments (42)  
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  1. Lady Jane Wilde’s advice for those with sore breasts has a good scientific basis. For many years here in Norfolk, housewives have kept pats of butter in their bras, to keep it soft and ready (the butter, not the bra) for making cakes, sandwiches, bearnaise sauce or adding to baked potatoes. One former Mrs Affer was regularly to be found with several kilos thus stored. She never suffered from sore breasts, to my certain knowledge.

  2. “One” former Mrs Affer? how many have there been?

  3. Ooh thanks for the tip luv…am going out to get a big tub of butter now for the ‘ladies’

  4. I had to click the link. HAD to.
    I wish I’d just rubbed some butter on the ‘girls’ instead.

    • haha… but at least you’re a nurse. It’s gonna be quite a shock for some curious people….

      • Not looking. I have made that mistake with you before.

  5. Does it have to be butter or can I make do with margarine?

    (just off to ask me female friends if their breasts are sore – wish me luck) 😉

    • No margarine is not acceptable. Crisco is though.

  6. ‘Not to be viewed while eating’
    Or even just before lunch:)
    No wonder Oscar was so multi- talented with a mother like that. Wish I’d known about the butter earlier when I used to suffer – I seem to have grown out of it now thank goodness although I still don’t like to sleep on my left side.

  7. I wonder, do voodoo type people just make all that crap UP? lol that’s some pretty gruesome gris gris lol

  8. Re: the money thing – shoplifting works just as well …..

  9. Rubbing breasts makes anything sore go away I find…

  10. you know i’ll pass on the viewing! Oscar had a very unusual mom.

  11. Stephen King and Lady Jane Wilde are soul mates for sure.

  12. I’m pleased to see that no one is leaping at the “pull a long strip of skin off a nine-day-old corpse” but everyone can relate to rubbing butter on something.

    Homer Churn

  13. That’s a handjob and a half on that link.

  14. “would you like to shake hands with Mr. Trouser Snake?” takes on new meaning…

  15. Jesus, I just looked closely at those gloves. Some Victorian anti-wank device?

    • Beautiful picture, though. I love the contrasts: innocent/sinister, smooth/spiked, pale/dark, look of the glove/gesture of the hand, etc etc.

  16. The donkey loves that!

  17. That strip of dead skin thing works!

  18. EEEuw to that link, but fascinating about Oscar’s mum. I’m going to try that money spell.

    • Hey let me know how you go with that Lulu, I’m a bit short at the moment

  19. “…..the meeting of three cross-roads where a murderer is buried”

    Does such a place actually exist?

    • yes it was common practice in parts of Europe a couple of centuries ago

  20. rubbing ladies’ breasts with butter gives me a headache and a black eye

  21. I was going to leave a clever comment about Batman, but frankly now I’m just a little queasy.

  22. Wow… and you commented my posts were scary!

  23. lol Daisyfae I had just the same thought 😉
    It certainly would be a great icebreaker at party’s

  24. There are a few logistics issues with the whole go the grave yard, strip the flesh routine.

  25. Oscar seems quite mild now in comparison to his mother.

    I guess many a man would be thrilled with a hand so close to his cock.

    Characters from Sean the Vampire

  26. Of course I clicked that link. Amazing, I say!

  27. Would buttered breasts always land the buttered side up? And would implants be approached with ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’? One does wonder.

    • I am enjoying your implants concept!

      Transylvania Fats

  28. I love the way all the superhero chaps think about girls they’ve ‘touched’ except Batman – his only concern is for young master Dick aka the boy wonder.

    All that sliding up and down poles in the Batcave makes more sense to me now.

    You always learn something here at The Crack.

    The King

  29. I own a pair of black leather gloves. Now I just need someone to provide the nice tits.

  30. Oh, almost forgot the topic at hand:


  31. Wow, if my arm was down there, I would never leave the house

  32. Both shocked and awed by such innovative medical handiwork.

  33. Oh man, I was hoping to see a picture of some buttered breasts. The whole oiled up thing works for me!

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