examining the husband

***In Gratian’s Decretum, published in 1140,  impotence was declared grounds for annulment. Nearly all clerics agreed that nonfunctioning husbands had to be examined. In the “cold water” test, a man’s penis was submerged in ice water after which the veins in his scrotum were checked for constriction. Even more humiliating was a test in which an examiner known as an “honest woman” bared her breasts before the accused man, kissed and fondled him, stroked his penis, and did whatever else she thought might entice an erection. This was typically done in the presence of the man’s wife and priest.

Priest Lie Detector found here

According to the Chirugia Magna, a couple had to lie together on successive days in the presence of a matron used to such procedures. The matron had to administer spices and aromatics, comfort and anoint them with warm oils, massage them near the fire, order them to talk to each other and embrace.

“Ooh Matron” found here

In Book 6 of the Viatacum, Constantinus Africanus recommended this stimulating potion for those in need

“Take the brains of 30 male sparrows and steep them for a very long time in a glass pot; take an equal amount of the grease surrounding the kidneys of a freshly killed billy goat, dissolve it on the fire, add the brains and as much honey as needed, mix it in the dish and cook until it becomes hard. Make it into pills like filberts and give one before intercourse.”

(This advice came from a monk who believed that an erect penis was filled with air not blood)

*** extract from “A Mind of its Own” by David M. Friedman

Published in: on February 10, 2010 at 7:41 am  Comments (50)  
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50 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Filled with air is it? LOL! That was funny. What do those monks know?

  2. I’ve heard of fanny farts but never willy wisps ….. can’t possibly be air …………. can it ………..

    • Well… in your case daddyp…..

  3. Those poor bastards! I don’t think you’d find too many men who’d be able to function….even with a hot ‘honest women’ with the wife and priest standing in supervision. I suppose it all depends what you’re into though….

    The only advise I can offer is eating olives every day. Lots and lots of olives. It helps that I freaking love olives!

    • Me too. But I like them best in a martini

  4. The whole thing sounds Viagravating. Sorry.

  5. The whole thing sounds Viagravating.

  6. It is almost time for a survey, Nurse. Which was the most sexually bizarre (or even kinky) era? The Middle Ages are certainly up there, perhaps not quite with the Roman Empire, but definitely in with a chance.

  7. The “cold water” test !

    How on earth is any man supposed to pass that with flying colours ? The phrase “frightened turtle” comes to mind.

  8. I have to hand it to you doll, this blog is unique in content and never fails to impress or make me laugh.

    I should also mention boak, cringe… and I’m sure you can guess the rest.

    • So long as I can make you laugh jimmy

  9. Oh, I dunno… I’m pretty sure that I’d get a positive response from this nurse.

  10. Cruel and unusual comes to mind. I find the term nonfunctioning husbands to ba a landmine phrase, certainly no good can ever come of it.
    First of all, I can guarandamntee ya that no priest is ever gonna touch my junk and it would be his head submerged in ice cold water.

    Most red-blooded men should get a boner just thinking about seeing their neighbour’s boobs, never mind the foreplay…which, come to think of all the bare breasts, kissing, fondling AND stroking, is probably more action than their wife ever gave them!
    They were doomed from the getgo!

  11. Sex therapy of Olde… great stuff.
    I like the phrase ‘nonfunctioning husbands’… fairly descriptive in it’s simplicity

    • ….and brevity.

  12. duh! of COURSE they’re filled with air… that’s why we’re supposed to blow them up! that’s what i was told, anyway…

    • wish i had said this! that daisyfae is always paying attention…

      • i vote for this as the best comment!! 🙂

  13. I knew the little blue pill was nothing new.

    Dam

  14. now, if your boy sprouts wood with the Honest Woman, he’s still in a world of doodie, is he not?

  15. “nonfunctioning husbands”

    I’d like to broaden the definition of /for this

  16. Sounds like a perfect title for a movie:
    “A Few Honest Women”
    It would be kind of like “A Few Good Men” but without Cruise or Nicholson or the Marines or the Navy. Just Demi Moore and a lot of strange semi-impotent men.

    … Has this been made already?

    • Showgirls?

      • That’s it!

  17. If my wife were ugly I might claim impotence to get this treatment.

  18. I thought the “sweeter flavor” would be all cherry blossoms and cinnamon doodles- turns out it’s just margarine. Mrs. F. and I both feel a bit let down about it.

    Pat Orstick

    • Pat Orstick… that’s rich.

      [um.is it wrong to drink wine out of a plastic peanut butter jar?]

      • Only if you’ve cleaned it first, everything tastes better with peanut butter

  19. Yeah, right, the brains of those sparrows and the goat’s kidney are going to be a BIG help. Poor creatures – sacrificed for a useless (pointless…) cause.

  20. I understand that Viagra has helped to save rhinos from extinction. In Asia, their granulated tusks were thought to be a cure for impotence but since the little blue pill came along, they are no longer slaughtered.

  21. YOU MEAN IT’S NOT FILLED WITH AIR????

    massage them near the fire

    heeeheeee. That’s what I always do.

    xo

    • you must show me your technique Rebecca

  22. Marvellous! Have you read Tom Sharpe’s ‘Indecent Exposure’? A wonderful exposee of aversion therapy….

    As to the margarine: damn the cholesterol – Marlon Brando always reached for real butter!

  23. “Take the brains of 30 male sparrows and steep them for a very long time in a glass pot; take an equal amount of the grease surrounding the kidneys of a freshly killed billy goat, dissolve it on the fire, add the brains and as much honey as needed, mix it in the dish and cook until it becomes hard.”

    …I think this is might actually be what I had for breakfast this morning. Tough to say for sure though, seeing as the menu wasn´t written in English.

    • Glad to see you made it back alive bschooled!

  24. Nursemyra apparently poses for drawings now. Excellent.

    Also, I hope Mrs. Filbert isn’t administering the test. No matter how much margarine she brings.

  25. a test in which an examiner known as an “honest woman” bared her breasts before the accused man, kissed and fondled him, stroked his penis, and did whatever else she thought might entice an erection. This was typically done in the presence of the man’s wife and priest.

    Jaysus! The mere presence of a priest would be sufficient to induce “non-functioning” regardless of how many bare titties were on display or how much stroking and fondling was going on!

  26. As a male I’m not sure I’d go for many of those but the matron ordering couples to get amorous sounds like it should work!

  27. “mix it in the dish and cook until” what becomes hard?

  28. Can’t I just use yoghurt instead?

    • Ha! You and your yoghurt fetish 😉

  29. hey! that “honest woman’s” test sounds downright kinky in the presence of his wife and a priest…sounds like penthouse forum originated here, no?

  30. I’m surprised they didn’t test him with a comely lad. That might have resolved a few ambiguities.

    • My thoughts exactly!

  31. iced water and a matron (oo err).. sounds like a 70s sit com …..

  32. Book 6 of the Viata cum??? Someone mis-spelled Viagra.

    Never mind, I’ll just Carry On, Matron – – –

  33. “non-functioning” husbands
    are an illness upon
    all humankind.


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