tricks with british wine

I don’t know a lot about British wine, and after having read these recipes, I’m not sure I want to

image found here

To keep British wine from turning sour: Boil a gallon of wine with half an ounce of beaten oyster shells or crabs’ claws burnt into a powder; then strain out the liquor into a sieve and when cold put it into the wine of the same sort. It will destroy the acid and give to the wine a pleasant taste.

oyster shells found here

To take away any unpleasant scent from British wines: Bake a long roll of dough stuck well with cloves; hang it in the cask and it will draw the disagreeable scent from the wine

bread roll found here

To preserve wine when ropey: Tap the cask of wine and put a piece of coarse linen cloth upon that end of the cock which is inserted into the inside of the cask then rack it into a dry cask ; to 30 gallons of wine add 5 ounces of powdered alum, roll and shake them well together (Ropey wine signifies that which is foul, thick or mothery)

image found here

To sweeten musty casks: Take some dung of a milking cow when it is fresh and mix it with a quantity of warm water so as to make it sufficiently liquid to pass through a funnel, dissolve 2 pounds of salt and 1 pound of alum, put the whole into a pot on the fire, stir with a stick and when nearly boiling pour into the cask and bung it up tight.”

milking cow image found here

Published in: on April 7, 2010 at 7:58 am  Comments (49)  
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49 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to throw it out and buy a cask of Coolibah Riesling?

    • ah the old bag-in-a-box… do they still make that stuff?

  2. Could I have another glass of water, please?

    • Certainly my dear, sparkling or tap?

  3. ahhhhh… British wine, you should taste our sherry, it would strip the Y chromosones fae a chimpanzee’s pish.

    • the only way I’d taste your sherry is if it were in a Tipsy Laird

  4. These are some of the reasons I keep to Italian wines in the main ……

    Corkscrews are interesting aren’t they? ….. objects with great character ……

    • Rather like yourself daddyp 😉

      • I’ll take that in the way it was meant …… errrrr, in what way was it meant exactly? *swivels head like an owl*

  5. So, the Brits approach to wine sounds eerily similar to their approach to food.

    • right? the only surprise here being the lack of a recommendation of a splooge of katsup put to a cocked and ropey barrel.

  6. That Jimmy Bastard is the best! What a great line. I believe that ages from now, some of our contemporary culinary practices will be looked upon with equal disgust. For instance, eating small birds with a napkin draped over your head.

  7. How bad does a cask have to be for manure to make it better?


  8. British wine sounds pretty disgusting. It seems to me that if you’re bothering to find oyster shells to make it taste better, maybe you’d be better off just eating the oysters and buying a nice cheap riesling.

    • or a shot of neat gin

  9. ‘mothery’ wine? does that mean it wipes your nose, makes you clean your room and gives you a spit bath?

  10. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by raincoaster. raincoaster said: Tricks with British wine. How about throwing it away and buying French wine? […]

  11. And that my friends is why i drink beer. Anyone got a resolution for skunk beer??

  12. It would be a hell of a lot easier to simply NOT by British wine!

  13. What’s someone doing sticking his cock in a wine cask?

    • Tag Larkin doesn’t have to explain himself to you or anyone!

      • If it’s British wine he gets just what he deserves…

  14. British wine, that’d be a variation on their regular whinge, would it?

  15. Maybe it’s a test to weed out the weaklings. You have to be a pretty committed drinker to indulge, don’t you?

  16. Ropey wine? Treat it with cock? Oh, I am deliciously confuddled.

    • Hi Lizza, lovely to see you here again!

  17. um. i rather think some of those wine ‘treatments’ aren’t legal in california. I hope so.
    but its enough to make me foreswear british whines forever.
    or did you mean swine? because bread and swine and oysters and swine and dung and swine– *that* makes better sense…

  18. Well, at least we now know that it’s best to avoid British wine?

  19. And all this time I thought it best to filter a bad wine through my sock before serving up drinks to my friends. The corkscrews are awesome.

  20. I detect a hint of Brit bashing in these comments…..we can take it. 🙂

    Although your piece refers to days gone by I can assure you British wine hasn’t improved since then.

    As a small point of reference, British wine can come from anywhere in the world (and usually does). “British” just means it’s blended and/or sweetened in the UK from imported grape juice concentrate before being bottled.

    There is a budding English wine industry which produces genuine, single estate wines which must be wholly produced in England. It has I believe, a growing reputation although I’ve never tried. it

  21. This all sounds a bit like my Uncle’s recipe for fixing carp.

    1) Scale the fish, but leave the head on.
    2) Season it on both sides.
    3) Nail it to a board.
    4) Pour lemon juice over it.
    5) Bake it for 40 minutes.
    6) Throw away the fish and eat the board.

  22. I was not aware the British made wine. Obviously they shouldn’t, but now I know they shouldn’t do what I thought they didn’t do in the first place.

    • Tag Larkin could have told you….

  23. Not sure how putting a linen cloth over the end of the cock will make it less ropey….

  24. British Wine: disgusting.
    English wine: some of the whites are now up with the world’s best (Sharpham, Chapel Down, Denbies). And Christopher Merret invented Methode Champenoise some years before Dom Perignon claimed it….

  25. Exactly! that is why I drink Oz or NZ wine although I am sometimes tempted by a fine Spanish white rioja 😉

  26. Mothery wine. Gross. I’ll take a rum and coke over a glass of wine any day.

  27. The bread roll is awesome!

  28. That would be why I don’t drink

  29. I reckon my castle-mouser Scabbers was a barnyard cat in a previous life (not that I give credence to such things…)

    The King

    • Scabby is looking at that photo right now with me! I think he’s about to head down to the scullery.

      • I didn’t know you called Scabbers “Scabby”. Now I don’t feel so bad about shortening Pablo to “Pabby”

  30. Where in the world in the British wine country? Australia?

    • Oh no, we have fabulous wines here 🙂

      Seriously, Killian

  31. God love the Brits. I did marry one after all, but I’ll never trust their food or drink. Just awful.

    • our wine maybe rubbish but our food is fabulous 😉

  32. BTW – Nursey ….. I shouldn’t bother applying to the British Tourist Board for a job ……tee hee ….. still, it’s lovely to see your commenters jumping to our defence ………

  33. Oh yes, yes. Crushed oyster shells and manure and cocks and bung it up tight. Serve with kidney pie?

  34. Who the hell came up with these stupid ideas? LOL!

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