three sausages but no umbrella

In 1852, Dr John Newman publicly charged Father Hyacinth Achilli with the grossest acts of profligacy. Achilli retaliated by accusing Newman of libel.


“There is a piquant peculiarity in this case; both plaintiff and defendant are apostates from their original faith. Father Achilli was a Roman Catholic priest and now is a Protestant, while Dr Newman is one of that chosen band, who after halting a while at Puseyism, took refuge in the bosom of the Catholic Church. The trial has been a perfect bonne bouche for lovers of prurient detail as the evidence of witnesses to Father Achilli’s profligacy lasted three whole days.


The first Italian witness was Elena Giustini. “Dr Achilli deflowered me in the sacristy” she said. Asked if there were any presents, she replied “He gave me a silk handkerchief, which was older than himself. And three sausages. He also promised an umbrella but it never materialised

Sausage Queen

Four Italian and three English women claimed to have been debauched in Achilli’s sacristy. Remarkably, he still won his libel case though Newman’s fine was a token £100.00.

Fast forward to 1990, when Thomas Tyler, the Vicar of Henfield, was in the news for conducting an affair with the wife of one of his church wardens. He reputedly guided the woman’s hand under his cassock, placed it on his erect penis and said “You see what an exciting girl you are” which began a ten year romp in the vicarage and in the back of Tyler’s Ford Cortina.


But when he took a new mistress, 32 year old Barbara Edwards, the spurned woman broke her story to the Bishop of Winchester. Tyler then found himself in front of a consistory court charged with conduct unbecoming to a clerk in holy orders. The colour of his pubic hair, the location of a pimple, the circumcised state of his penis and the general age and bagginess of his underwear were all discussed in front of a judge. The difficulty of the pimple was never resolved. Both Mr and Mrs Tyler insisted his underwear was always tight and white.


The vicar was found guilty then and also at a subsequent appeal. He still had many supporters who sympathised with his case. Not so Stephen Edwards, husband of the second mistress. He punched poor Tom in his much discussed private parts and narrowly avoided prosecution for assault.

Published in: on August 16, 2010 at 7:58 am  Comments (42)  
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42 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Just made me think about Ian Durie and the Blockheads – Billericay Dickie…
    “had a love affair with Nina
    in the back of my Cortina
    a seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener”

    • Love the line about the hyena

  2. Hmmm… Whatever happened to Monica Lewinsky?

    • I believe she took up knitting

  3. Pimples are tricky little blighters ……

    • Especially those damned arse pimples

  4. I had a Cortina once and I never had to offer anybody three sausages. But then again, no one ever offered them to me, so I guess it’s a wash.

    Funny stuff, and very entertaining.

    • Was it a lucky Cortina?

      • No, it was very unlucky, as no sausages proves 😦

  5. I used to make do with a Ford Escort.

    • And I bet it worked for you Kyk

  6. Priests, cars… Meh

    What are you wearing now?

    The King

    • the same dress I wore to work last Monday. Only this time the black stockings are lace

      • You are cruel and kind in equal measure!

        The King

      • Exactly the effect I am aiming for

  7. Hulk. Smash. Catholic. Church.

    Pretty brilliant pic.

    The best part of the Sausage Queen’s get-up? Her hat that says “Zion!” What in God’s name does Zion have to do with a sausage skirt?

    • The Lord knows and works in mysterious ways

  8. Couldn’t he pick a more roomy car?

    • I don’t think the church budget allowed for it

  9. The geek in me is trying to figure out what good that Profligate Waste card would do in a game of Magic the Gathering. Seems like something I’d just discard during my turn, hoping to get some cool monster to summon next time around.

    The sex fiend in me is interested in how well that Sausage Queen would handle my sausage. She looks like she’s a pro at smokin’ wieners.

    And the practical super spy in me knows the Security Briefs would never work for me in deterring a thief because I don’t wear briefs. So one pair of briefs in a sea of boxers on my floor would be very suspicious.

    • Just look at the smile on her face. She’s a sausage expert

  10. The Clergy deserve all they get. [sorry, a button just got pushed!]

  11. I can’t imagine anything more debasing than having my baggy underwear and pimpleness discussed on a witness stand. That’s why I’ve had a picture of Stonehenge tattooed on my privates, so if I’m sued for profligacy I need only provide one piece of picture ID.

    • Stonehenge?!?! I’m impressed

      • Well … Pebblehenge, actually.

      • hahahahaha…..

  12. I’ve always wondered why none of my Dear Penthouse type letters happened to me or for me and now I know; I wasn’t carrying around 3 sausages, silk handkerchiefs and promising free umbrellas.

    • It’s not too late to rectify that situation Scott

  13. I would simply die if I was known for my “baggie underwear”… a rule of 70s is always to be immaculately attired in the underwear department because you never know when that will be essential 😉

    • If I’m wearing underwear I like it to be colour coordinated. If I have an accident and end up in the emergency department I hope it’s on a day when I’m actually wearing some

      • I think I would NOT wanting to be wearing anything I liked in an accident. When I broke my wrist they cut my imported french tennis dress off me 😦

      • What scoundrels!

  14. I am puzzled about the Zion Sausage Hat. And the umbrella.

    • It must have been a very special umbrella

  15. Surely £100 wouldn’t have been very token in 1852. Not if receiving 3 sausages was payment for hanky panky in the sacristy. How much would you demand, NM?

    • Oh dear, I’ve always given it away for free.

  16. The title of your post well described my first camping trip in college.


  18. Nursemyra, these are my go-to topics of convo on all first dates: The colour of his pubic hair, the location of a pimple, the circumcised state of his penis and the general age and bagginess of his underwear.

    Have I been dating clergymen?

    • Yes. And politicians and car salesmen. Time to raise your standards Miss V.

  19. He had the punch to the crotch coming.

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